


Relationship Rescue

by Nocturnal



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 53,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3578673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal/pseuds/Nocturnal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tired of Shizuo and Izaya's constant fighting, Shingen forces them to take advice from Dr. Phil. Much insanty follows as the pair as Dr. Phil confronts the pair and brings them to admit things they would rather not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Shingen was contemplating the overpass and wondering if he should adjust the filter of his mask to purify the heavily polluted air. He was about to ask Shinra about it when a vending machine came hurling through the air and landed far too close for comfort.

“Izaya-KUN!”

Shizuo barged into the scene, wielding what seemed to be a traffic sign and swinging it a wide arc so that it knocked down a small crowd and still managed not to as much as scratch the target, ie, a very cocky Orihara Izaya.

“My, Shizu-chan. I really can't talk with you when you're like this.”

“I told you, once, twice, a million fucking TIMES to stay away from 'bukuro!”

“Ah yes, I seem to remember something to that effect. But what can I say, this city loves me too much for me to stay away.”

Shizuo growled something in lieu of words and dashed blindly ahead. Izaya waited until the very last moment to twirl away and thus allow Shizuo to crash into a concrete wall. Izaya stood on the pavement laughing in that borderline psychotic way of his. But he was in for a rude awakening when someone pulled him by an ear. Hard enough to hurt.

“Young man, you are bringing shame to your parents by acting like a goon.”

Izaya turned around and was ready to produce his switchblade when he recognized the gas mask.

“Hello, if it isn't Kishitani senior. And Shinra, too.”

“Can't you just avoid Shizuo? How long have you two been fighting like cats and dogs for? It's been years.”

Shizuo pulled himself from the pile of rubble and bounced to his feet, spinning around to find the bane of his existence.

“IZAYA!”

“Shinra, do you know these two?”

Shinra sighed and adjusted his glasses.

“Unfortunately.”

Shizuo spotted them.

“You flea, using Shinra as a shield?”

Shingen crossed his arms and stepped between the two sworn antagonists.

“And you too, acting like a ruffian. Don't you have any shame?”

“What's on your face?”

Izaya cackled in the background.

 

“Shizu-chan doesn't know what a gas mass is. It figures he wouldn't, his brain has yet to evolve into human standards. Keep working at it.”

“You young people need an intervention. And I know just the person to do it.”

Shizuo was a tad puzzled.

“Shinra, who's this fellow?”

“That's my father.”

Shizuo muttered something to the effect of his being sorry but of course Shingen was a roll now and not inclined to listen.

“Young people nowadays lack proper respect for their elders and for common property.   
It is a great problem with Japan but it just so happens that I am on good terms with doctor Phil and I can get you a slot on his show. I believe that-”

Izaya bounced forward.

“Kishitani-san, if you're paying for the trip then you can count me in. I'd absolutely love to visit the States.”

Shizuo flailed, causing the sign post to go clattering against the pavement where it left marks.

“Eh?! I'm not going to no America with the louse!”

“Young man, you are going, like it or not. If you're my son's friends then I have the responsibility to educate you since your own parents clearly did not do a proper job. No wonder Japan is going down the drain with hoodlums such as yourselves running around causing trouble for everyone.”

Shinra intervened with a bright smile.

“Orihara-kun, Shizuo, just think of it as a holiday. Everyone needs a change of scenery every now and then, right? And when was the last time you actually left Tokyo?”  
Shizuo scratched his hair and Shingen was reminded anew of the weird fashions that were en vogue with the younger generations. Completely missing the fact that a gas   
mask was quite a fashion statement.

“It was that time we went on a school trip.”

“See, a long time ago. So I say you just go to America and enjoy yourself to the fullest.”

Shizuo frowned. Unpleasant memories were creeping in.

“Ages ago but I still remember that the louse there ruined everything. Like he always does.”

“I had a lot of fun that time. I remember it as if it was yesterday.”

Shinra could tell that this tentative truce was about to crumble away and so he nodded affably, being at his most friendly.

“That was the past. Shizuo, you should really go. What do you have to lose? If it goes bad you can always kill Orihara-kun later.”

“Hmm...true.”

“Shinra, that hurts. It really does. I thought that we were friends.”

*

It took little convincing to get Tom on board with the plan and in no time Shingen had prepared everything. And so it was that Shizuo found himself on a plane to the United States of America without even knowing exactly to which of these States he was going to. Izaya took the long flight to chat with a few people and polish his English. As far as Izaya knew this was a leisure trip, a free one even, and as soon as he touched the ground he was making a run for it and having a blast on his own. All the talk about interventions and the like seemed like a waste of his precious time.

But Izaya's plan was foiled by Shingen again grabbing his ear and dragging him to the studio along with a muttering Shizuo who was more subdued than usual. Thing was, Shizuo was simply confused. He had no idea who Dr. Phil was and when he was ushered before a live audience he could not understand why the crowd began to shriek madly at the entrance of a fat moustached man with a balding head. And it seemed no one was about to explain it to him in a language he could understand. Then a black lady arrived that the crowd screamed so loudly that Shizuo was itching to go berserk and would have done so, too, were it not for the fact that the light suddenly flashed at him and nearly blinded him, thus stunning him completely.

Izaya sat on the cozy sofa and smiled his best smile. This might be fun after all.

“Hello y'all. We are here with two overseas folk in need of some guidance. Izaya Orihara-”

“I hate to interrupt but I do prefer the Japanese order better. So make that 'Orihara Izaya'.”

“Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima have known each other since their highschool days where they developed a very negative relationship. That persists to this day with increasing episodes of violence, 'mkay? Clearly, things have got to change. We are calling this operation relationship rescue.”

Izaya's eyebrow twitched just a bit.

“Like I said, that's 'Orihara Izaya'.”

“Fucking louse.”

Shizuo had no idea what was going on but there was never a shortage of opportunities for insulting Izaya or as Shizuo looked at it telling it like it was. Oprah opened her eyes so wide that Shizuo was afraid they'd drop from her head and said a bunch of things Shizuo could not even begin to understand.

“Let's take a look at a day in the life of these Japanese people.”

And true enough massive screens popped out of nowhere and began to play footage of   
Shizuo's rampage and Izaya's troll ways. Complete with subtitles for the English speaking public. Izaya was impressed, Shingen must have hacked into quite a few surveillance cameras to get all this. And there was a dynamic soundtrack to go with the crazy demolishing mayhem as Shizuo hurled vending machines at Izaya. Shizuo mumbled something about stalkers.

Dr. Phil let the collective gasp from the audience fill the pregnant silence. Then he leaned forward, widening his hands in a gesture of flabbergasted dismay.

“Tell me, how did things get to this point?”

Izaya shrugged.

“Shizu-chan has anger issues. Severe ones.”

Shizuo recognized his own name and snapped, picked up the sofa with Izaya on and was about to throw it when Izaya dashed to the edge of the slightly lifted platform.

“Izaya! Don't go talking about me to this fatso!”

Izaya switched to Japanese and responded with,

“I'll tell Big Brother whatever I want! And you can't catch me.”

Odds were Shizuo could not but Shingen sure could and did.

“Not again, let go of me old man!”

“You die now, flea! Kill, kill, kill, KILL-!”

A few minutes of 'We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by' followed. After which the broadcast resumed with Shizuo in chains and Izaya looking exceedingly cross.

“Welcome back.”

Dr. Phil did a recap on the case at hand and turned to Izaya.

“Let us start at the beginning, how did you first met?”

“It was shortly after the high school ceremony. A mutual friend introduced us and right away Shizu-chan brutally attacked me like the beastly creature he is. I have suffered much.”

Izaya put on his most tortured look and got an 'aww' from all female public. Oprah opened her eyes in a rather distressing manner.

“And why did you react in such an irrational way?”

Dr. Phil asked Shizuo and Shingen translated.

“Because I could tell right away he was a f*cking louse!”

“We don't swear on my set, mkay? We blip that on this show.”

Shizuo glared at moustache man. Dimly, he felt that this fellow was against him but he still produced an answer.

“I could tell he was a filthy louse right away. I knew I'd hate his guts the moment I saw   
him, and it turns out I was right. He's been nothing but trouble with framing me-”

“Hold it right there. Back up for just a second. How can you just tell all that just by looking at him? That's prejudice.”

As far as Shizuo knew it was so self- evident that Izaya had no qualities and was that he was 'a fucking flea' that it was almost a personal affront that anyone could possibly fail to see this obvious fact of life. But he had heard Izaya described as cool on more than one occasion, it just went to show that people were messed up.

“He started it...attacking me with a switchblade.”

“Excuse me, Shizu-chan but you attacked me first. I merely acted in self- defense. I cannot exactly be expected to let you pummel me to death, now can I?”

Dr. Phil turned to Izaya with a swift movement of his big body, it was so sudden that Izaya was almost sure he would topple over and come crashing down but he realized that Dr. Phil had probably mastered the art by pulling off this trick many a time. Izaya was almost impressed, it could not be easy for a fat man to do such a thing.

“Did you really frame him for a crime he didn't commit? What were you thinking!”

Izaya shrugged.

“I confirm nothing. If you'd like you can contact my lawyer on that subject.”

Dr. Phil coughed and Izaya got the impression that he did not particularly like that line of action.

“Now look, this isn't just about you guys. It affects everyone in your lives. I have statements from your sisters, Izaya. Mairu says, 'I'd throw my big brother in front of a bus'. Clearly, you aren't exactly a model brother.”

“That's quote mining. She said that she'd do that if she could meet Kasuka.”

Shizuo leered dangerously, missing Shingen's translation and just catching his brother's name.

“Don't you bring Kasuka into this!”

“Not so fast, this Kasuka is your younger brother. My notes tell me that when you were both kids you tried to throw a fridge at him! Really?! I mean, really?!”

Dr. Phil did another crazy twist and bobbed his head as he repeated himself to drive home his disbelief. Shizuo stammer and flailed.

“I didn't mean to, it was an accident- I mean, I told him I was sorry...but he ate my dessert.”

Izaya smiled placidly enough as he always did when he knew he had scored a point.

“Shizu-chan clearly has anger issues.”

Dr. Phil swung back to Izaya.

“Oh no you don't. Don't think you're off the hook here. I mean, you know that Shizuo had a bad temper to say the least and you go out of your way to provoke him. How do you explain that?”

Izaya threw himself back on his seat and twirled his hands in a dismissive gesture, crossing a leg over a knee.

“I am an informant and it just so happens that the hottest town in Tokyo is Ikebukuro where Shizu-chan there works. It is hardly my fault that he is so territorial as to flip a lid every time I as much as come close to 'bukuro.”

Dr. Phil rummaged through his many notes and Izaya wondered just how much information he had in them and who had leaked it. Probably Shingen and Shinra, the spastic medical duo as Izaya thought of them.

“About your job, isn't it borderline illegal? It seems that you have talked girls into jumping to their death. M'kay?”

The crowd gasped on cue. Oprah crept a bit closer to Shizuo and made a few passes at him. Fortunately Shingen did not translate these so Shizuo was left to think that the lady was just weird instead of her wanting to get into his pants. He did wonder if she was related to Simon.

“Now, Dr. Phil, it would be rather bad if you kept on making such allegations. I might get legal consultation.”

Dr. Phil squirmed on his seat much to Izaya's delight. At this point Oprah interfered by latching unto Izaya.

“So is the blonde hunk single?”

“As far as I know he is. Do I get a free car now?”

Dr. Phil leaned forward and stared at Izaya from a weird angle that made it seem as if he was looking down on him.

“These are your words, quote, 'I love humanity, all humans. Except Shizu-chan'. It's obvious that you're obsessed. It's a pathological attachment.”

Shingen did translate this but it might as well not have since Shizuo had no idea what 'pathological' meant anyway. He was going to produce a cigarette from his vest but the chains made it difficult.

“It just so happens to be the truth. Shizu-chan is a beastly creature who has been foiling my plans for far too long.”

Shizuo snorted loudly and with plenty of spite.

 

“'Plans' my ass, it's more of your plotting. Your 'job' is screwing people over, screwing me over, it goes to show you're rotten to the core.”

Dr. Phil zeroed in on Shizuo and actually startled him.

“At least he has a job. According to my notes you have had over a hundred occupations since graduating high school. That's...a lot. And all your employers say the same, that you can't be managed due to your rampaging ways.”

Izaya beamed at this and Shizuo cast him a furtive glance.

“I got a job now, with Tom-san. Collecting debts. It might not be great but it works for me and at least it's an honest occupation.”

Izaya snickered.

“Oh yes, every so honest. Somebody give the man a boyscout medal!”

“Izaya-”

Dr. Phil intervened by putting up his very hand in the air.

“Y'all, this is my show and I won't let you take over it.”

“M'kay.”

Izaya added this with a giggle. Dr. Phil peered into his eyes.

“You think you're funny, don't you.”

“I try to be.”

“Would you be surprised to know that of all the people who we interviewed not one of them actually thought that you were even remotely funny? To quote, 'Izaya is just creepy with that laugh of his.'”

Izaya merely shrugged. He would very much like to know who this 'we' was.

“What can I say, people fail to understand my comic genius.”

“Haven't you heard that sarcasm is the last resort of the weak?”

Izaya sighed with some emphasis.

“Ah, I give up. I cannot win with you, doctor. By the way, doctor of what exactly? Psychology? Would you be so kind as to share your credentials?”

Dr. Phil leafed through his many notes.

 

“You're trying to change the subject so that your faults won't come to the surface by diverting the attention. And I got something to tell you. It won't work, pal.”

While Izaya remained perfectly smooth he made a mental note to be a bit more careful and not to underestimate fat Texans with bad moustaches. And he resented being called pal. Meanwhile Shizuo had gathered that Izaya was being grilled and saw fit to mutter,

“I just want him to stay out of 'bukuro. That's all. Can't be all that difficult to do.”

This time Shizuo did jump as Dr. Phil did another twist and turned to him.

“That's not true. I know that you went all the way to Shinjuku, to Izaya's house to be precise, with the explicit intent of killing him.”

Shizuo gasped. And gasped some more.

“How do you know-”

 

“Never mind that, m'kay? Fact is, you did it. And you may think I'm just a dumb American, hillbilly hick that doesn't know Shibuya from Ginza but I googled it so I know that Shinjuku is not Ikebukuro. So you couldn't exactly have just 'dropped by'.”

Shizuo shifted as much as the chains allowed.

“'Cuz he's had it coming.”

“In fact, you were about to throw a railing a him! A railing! More, just like Izaya always mentions how much he hates you even when it doesn't even have anything to do with, well, anything you always compare people you hate with him. I quote, 'I don't hate you as much as Izaya so this will do' or 'I hate you as much as I hate Izaya', etc. Don't you two see a pattern here?”

Silence. Izaya's was tactful, Shizuo's was prolonged even after the translation reached him. They exchanged the briefest of glances then looked away abruptly, Izaya to smile at some vacant point in the distance and Shizuo to stare at the floor in front of him. 

Izaya then stretched and broke the awkward silence.

“I suppose that you have established that our hatred is mutual.”

Izaya was not exactly sure why he felt at a loss by making such an admission. After all it was common knowledge that they hated each other with a passion.

But he could tell that by the way Dr. Phil's small eyes twinkled with a hard edge that the good doctor, whatever his qualifications might be, was on to something.

“Huh uh and you think that it's normal to be that obsessed with someone you hate?”

 

The question was not addressed to anyone in particular so that both felt as if it was directly meant for him. Izaya would have been impressed by this method of extracting data but he was realizing very fast that being on the receiving end of such an inquiry was not half as fun of being the one fishing for juicy tidbits. Izaya coughed and shifted slightly on the plush sofa.

“Well, I suppose that we simply got into the habit of hating each other. It is part of the daily grind.”

Dr. Phil swung dangerously and pointed a non- existing chin in Shizuo's direction.

“You agree with that?”

“I guess...hating him is natural, you know? Besides, all of my troubles started with Izaya-KUN.”

Shizuo spoke normally enough but spat out the honorific as if it was an insult.

“That's not true. According to my notes, the fridge incident happened before you met him and your bouts of berserk destructions date far back too.”

“It's just convenient for him to blame me for the fact that he is such a social misfit.”

The formless chin was aimed at Izaya's direction this time.

“You, what does it say there?”

Dr. Phil pointed a pudgy finger and bigger than life lettering hanging on the wall.

“The Dr. Phil Show. I do know how to read. It is Shizu-chan who-”

“M'kay, doesn't say 'The Izaya Orihara show', now does it?”

Izaya's eyes narrowed sharply.

“That would be 'Orihara Izaya'.”

“'Orihara FLEA', more like it.”

This bit went untranslated as Dr. Phil charged Shizuo with a question immediately leaving Shingen to flail a bit.

“Back to your brother. Kasuka, am I right? He's an actor. How come he shows so little emotion when not acting?”

Shizuo shrugged and the chains rattled. Izaya crept to the farthest edge of the sofa.

“Dunno. Always been that way. Quiet like.”

“Huh uh. And you don't think that you had anything to do with it?”

Shizuo started and the chains nearly shattered. Oprah gushed about sexy muscles and was ignored all around. Perhaps it would have been different if everyone had a free car.

“Me...? What do you mean?”

Izaya knew exactly what Dr. Phil was going for and he could not help but gloat happily. Dr. Phil adjusted his weight to his seat anew as if he was about to strike.

“Now, this is what I see. We have an older brother that can't hold his temper, flies off into fits of blind rage on little or no provocation and even tried to throw a fridge at his younger sibling. How do you suppose that would impact a younger child? Of course he'd retreat into apathy, the only displays of emotion he sees are destructive and harmful! Children take their cue from those around them! More, I know that in Japan older siblings are real important, m'kay? Don't think you can go tricking me just because I'm from Texas, I know a thing or two about your country. In Japan older siblings, particularly brothers, are looked upon as authority figures by younger siblings. The reason why Kasuka can't express his feelings unless he's on TV is because you stunted his emotional growth. These type of scars run deep and it takes years, years of therapy to get them sorted out. Thing is, you're a complete failure as a big brother and you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed.”

The impact of this tirade was not immediately felt because of the translation. But by the time Shingen was done playing the interpreter Shizuo was gaping wildly and tear eyed. It was so beautiful that Izaya wished he had a camera handy but then again he was recording the show and would rewatch this segment over and over again at his leisure. Through his elation he wondered if Dr. Phil's cultural notes were a bit set in another century but did not matter because Shizuo was now sobbing openly and Izaya might as well be in heaven.

“Kasuka, I didn't mean to hurt you! I am sorry! Why do I always screw up, you're my precious little brother and I love you!”

At this Izaya could not repress a giggle. He regretted it almost right away because Dr. Phil did another crazy squirm and turned to him, full on.

“Do you think you have any right of making fun of him? I mean, really? How about your siblings?”

Izaya tried to be dismissive with a shrug.

“Mairu and Kururi are very independent girls.”

Dr. Phil leafed through his notes once more. Izaya was sure that he was not reading anything but just giving the impression that he had not memorized everything in good CIA fashion.

“Not much of a choice there, now was there? Who were they supposed to rely on? You?”

 

Dr. Phil made it sound as if such a possibility was utterly preposterous. Izaya tried to remain as smooth as possible.

“I am a strong believer in the emancipation of women and it begins with developing a sense of autonomy in girls from a young age.”

“Huh uh. You just don't care much, do you?”

Izaya froze, his smile thinning into a shadow. Shizuo was still bawling and blabbering about how much he loved Kasuka and how sorry he was and that if could only turn back time he wouldn't be throwing fridges at him but would try his best to be a good nii-chan.

“It is not a matter of caring, it's a matter of preparing them for life.”

By the way Dr. Phil moved his bulky body Izaya knew that he had just made a mistake.

“So, how's that working? Really, I want to know. Because my notes say that your sister 

Mairu sort of terrorizes the entire school, stealing bras, blackmailing, you name it. And your sister Kururi is an accomplice.”

“They're twins, it figures that they'd stick together.”

Dr. Phil widened his eyes in a way that meant he was outraged that you should be too.

“Let me see if I get this straight, you actually expect me to believe that their criminal behavior has nothing to do with you? Where do you think they learnt that it was okay to treat people this way?”

“To be fair there was a bully bothering them, especially Mairu, so it was retaliation.”

“Huh uh. Fair enough. Would you say you're a normal family?”

“As normal as any modern Japanese in Tokyo can be, yes. I'm afraid you need to rethink your old fashioned ideas about older siblings being role models.”

“In other words, they don't like you much.”

Izaya did freeze. He did his best to appear as if it had not at all affect him but the damage was done.

“At least they are no co-dependent and can handle life without going 'Izaya-nii' every five minutes.”

“That's because they know they can't trust you! What if they actually called to ask you for help, with say homework? You'd give some excuse and not bother helping! And then you make it seem as if you're doing them a favor in treating them this way!”

 

Izaya crossed and recrossed a leg over the knee and licked his lips. Fortunately for him Shizuo was blowing his nose on Oprah's hanky and the noise was so defeaning that for a while the third degree had to stop. The chains came undone but Shizuo was not in a violent mood, tears still streamed down his cheeks.

“What can I do to get Kasuka to love me!”

Dr. Phil was visibly annoyed. He had his show timed to the millisecond and this interruption was unwelcomed especially since he needed to crack Izaya.

“We'll talk about that later, m'kay?”

“I'll do anything, anything!”

Izaya saw an opportunity here. He switched to very clipped Ikebukuro accented Japanese that he prattled on, very fast. As he expected Shingen was clueless and could not understand a word.

“Moustache dude says it's too late, Kasuka totally hates you and wants you to die.”

Shizuo gasped.

“Stop trolling, you gnat!”

“Woah, improving on our vocab, are we? I am impressed, I really am!”

They both switched to borderline dialect and Shingen was left wondering just what language young people were talking nowadays.

“Shut up!”

“You're just angry because I'm telling you the truth. The good doctor here knows that you'll never get Kasuka to like you. Sucks being you!”

Shizuo was gathering momentum for another bout of anger but buckets of cold water falling from the ceiling put an end to that. Dr. Phil almost got up. He did gesticulate wildly.

“Enough! You will stop provoking Shizuo and Shizuo, you must stop falling for it. How many times can you fall for the exact same trick?! How many times?!”

Izaya also wondered and he hoped that he would never find out. Shizuo muttered something.

“And you, Izaya. What's so fun about pushing his buttons? Shizuo is an easy target! You can't be all that great an informant if you pick the weakest link in the chain to mess with.”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“I hardly think Shizu-chan qualifies as 'weak'.”

“Mentally, up here.”

Dr. Phil tapped his temple, the light bouncing off his shiny bald head. Izaya shrugged.

“You can't blame me for the fact that he's a simpleton.”

“M'kay, so what do you call someone who takes advantage of a simpleton to play mind games with? A jerk! That's what you call him! A jerk!”

Shizuo nodded as soon as the translation reached him. The lag made it look truly stupid since he only reacted after a delay thus giving the impression that he needed to turn things over, even the simplest of things. And Izaya bet it endeared Shizuo to the audience.

“That is your opinion.”

“Oh no it isn't.”

Dr. Phil smiled like a lawyer about to land a suit. Izaya did not at all care for it.

“I do not live by popular opinion.”

“That's good because if you did you'd have to hide under a rock. All the people we interviewed were unanimous in saying that you're a jerk.”

“You didn't ask Saki, then.”

Dr. Phil ignored this altogether and made some notes with a pencil. Izaya would bet his apartment that he had not actually written anything.

“Tell me about this nabe party of yours. To our viewers at home, nabe is a kind of hot-pot dish and it's eaten when friends and family gather together. It's a very popular Japanese tradition, a bit like we have barbecue in Texas.”

Izaya was beginning to wonder if Dr. Phil was only interested in the Texan audience and the other 49 States were simply not that important.

“Why, you did quite a lot of research on my country.”

“Don't go dodging the bullet now, what happened with your nabe party?”

Izaya knew that he could not lie, this dreadful Dr. Phil must know everything about it. Shizuo stared curiously as if suddenly he too was interested.

“Well, you know how life in the big city is. People are always busy with one thing or another and they cannot spare a minute. Unfortunately that as what happened to my nabe party. But I had a wonderful time with a beautiful woman, Yagiri Namie, around the hot pot table.”

Izaya smiled as tamely as he could.

“Huh uh. The same Yagiri Namie that works for you? So, the only person you could get to actually come to your party works for you?! And if I understand correctly she did not even want to go either! She was afraid you'd fire her otherwise, m'kay?”

It was with difficulty that Izaya did strike back with a snappy retort. Shizuo chuckled.

“I assured you that we have a most wonderful time together.”

 

“Even if you did, the fact remains that the one person that attended your party, reluctantly I may add, is on your payroll! More, it's hardly a party with just two people!”

“So it wasn't a party. It was an intimate date. I don't suppose you'd want to turn it into an orgy?”

Dr. Phil bobbed his head up and down in a dismissive attitude that Izaya truly loathed.

“How come none of you ever had a girlfriend?”

Shizuo blushed furiously and stammered something or other. Izaya shrugged anew. At length Shizuo gathered some of his bearings.

“I'm no good with girls, they're afraid of me...because I lose my temper and things fly, girls don't like me.”

“And with good reason, m'kay?”

“I guess, m'kay.”

Dr. Phil's eyes turned into bullets for the briefest of moments. Izaya noticed it. But Shizuo did not mean any harm, he just ended up adopting the expression.

“How about you? What's your excuse?”

He turned to Izaya now.

“I am not suited for relationships. But rest assured that I have a very healthy sexual life.”

“Oh, I'm sure you do. A different girl every week?”

“It suits me and the girls involved as well so everyone wins. Feel free to ask them. 

Besides, relationships bore me. I get bored rather easily.”

“Don't see you getting bored with Shizuo.”

“I don't exactly have time to get bored when vending machines are landing around me and I have to run for my life.”

“Which wouldn't happen if you didn't go to Ikebukuro, now would it? Folks at home may be wondering, Tokyo is a big city. I mean, big. Why do you keep on going to the   
one place where you know you'll run into Shizuo? It baffles the mind!”

“Folks at home may want to know that Tokyo isn't as big as Texas.”

“Have you ever heard that the line between hate and love is a thin one?”

“I have, it's one of those clichés one keeps running into.”

Shizuo frowned deeply as the translation reached him. He did not like this line of questioning, not one bit, it made him in fact very angry but he wanted Dr. Phil to help him with Kasuka.

“Huh uh and you don't see any of that going on here?”

Izaya lifted an eyebrow and then smiled slowly.

“Ah, I see what you're doing. Trying to hype your ratings with a steamy gay love/hate romance? I am sorry to disappoint you but there is nothing of the sort going on here.”

Shizuo's frown darkened.

“Yeah, what he said.”

“Do you know what 'denial' is?”

“A river in Egypt.”

And Izaya was of course at his most serious.

“You think you're a funny guy, don't you. Well let me tell you something, Mister-”

“'Orihara'. People at home might find it interesting, this is how you write it!”

Izaya promptly wrote his name in big characters and waved them at the camera.

“You, stop changing the subject. We're not here to talk about your name, m'kay?”

Izaya humphed and crossed his arms peevishly enough.

“You're offending my culture. Knowing how to properly write someone's name is part of basic Japanese etiquete. Seems like you failed to find out that for all your research.”

“I write 'Izaya' with the kanji for 'flea' and 'bastard'.”

“And then you try to read them and realize you actually don't know how.”

Dt. Phil spread his hands in a gesture of warning.

“Enough! We're not discussing etymology here. Have you heard of 'sublimation'?”

The question was aimed at Izaya and it did shake him.

“Yes, but this I hardly see how that is at all relevant in this case.”

“Why don't you tell folks at home what it is? Since you're a smart fella.”

Dr. Phil leant forward so much that Izaya wondered how he did not simply capsize and come hurling down. He thought about humpty dumpty. Sitting on a wall, having a great fall etc. Izaya giggled but gathered himself.

“'Sublimation' is a psychological event in which a socially unacceptable pulsion is transformed or sublimated into another that can be integrated in the moral structure of the society in question or that the individual can rationalize without too much of a disconnect. For example, in some contexts violence is an expression of deeper erotic impulses that the individual in question is not equipped to handle-”

Izaya halted mid-sentence, his eyes widened slightly and he even missed the gloating look on Dr. Phil's pudgy face. Izaya was already sitting on the corner of the sofa most distant from Shizuo but he leapt over and hid behind it. Shizuo blinked since the translation did not mean anything to him.

“What the hell are you doing now?”

“You just stay right where you are. To think that all these years you wanted to rape me.”

Izaya did not know what was more disturbing, the bare fact or that he had so missed it completely.

“What?!”

“You heard me. Hey, Dr. Phil. Get security here.”

Shizuo showed no signs of violence. He was simply puzzled and getting more confused   
by the second.

“What the hell is wrong with you now?”

Dr. Phil twirled his moustache in blatant self-satisfaction. Izaya loathed him and there was no sublimation involved.

“Will you drop the Kira 'Just as Planned' act and get security here! Oh the hell with it,   
I'm out of here.”

Izaya made as if to dash away but Shingen saw it coming and detained him by the ear yet again.

“Young man, you're not going anywhere until you've had your medicine.”

“Wait, what is that is even supposed to mean...? And let me go already! I'm calling my lawyers and will sue you all! Sue you all!”

This last bit he aimed at Dr. Phil who nodded as if he fully expected.

“M'kay, looks like you're becoming American.”

“No need to insult me and will you let me go! I have witnesses, this is harassment!”

“You know, the audience? They're actually robots controlled by Oprah by remote control. And we edit this show.”

It was at this point that Izaya began to feel seriously worried. Shizuo was still blinking and now scratched his head.

“What is going on...?”

Izaya gathered himself with difficulty. He was annoyed that only now did he realize that everyone in the audience looked exactly alike, probably the same model of robot manufactured in bulk. Model Suburban American Woman tm. And indeed there was Oprah bulging her eyes creepily as she dangled a remote control, her crazy hairdo having changed somehow into a puffed up Afro that Izaya associated with juvenile delinquents.

“Alright, I admit that you are probably right about Shizuo and his strange tendencies. I must say it is rather disturbing.”

Dr. Phil smirked darkly.

“Oh it's not just Shizuo. It's you, too.”

Izaya blinked rapidly. He was back to the sofa, one leg crossed over the other, still keeping a safe distance from Shizuo but trying to be smooth about it.

“I am not sure I follow.”

As for Shizuo he did not follow anything at all and was in a state of complete confusion.

“Shinra's Dad, what gives? What is going on here?”

“Young man, my name is Kishitani Shingen and I appreciate it if you address me with proper respect as befits a man of my status.”

Izaya's annoyance climbed a notch at this silly banter.

“What is going on, Shizu-chan is that I have been made to realize that down deep you want to rape me.”

“What the?!”

Dr. Phil did another dangerous looking leaning act and Izaya wondered if maybe he did fall every now and then and they simply edited it out. Humpty Dumpty had a moustached cousin no doubt. Shizuo turned his wide eyes from Izaya to Dr. Phil in the hopes of finally having an explanation.

“We got some footage, m'kay? Let us watch.”

And footage they (whoever 'they' might be, Izaya suspected that it meant Dr. Phil and his CIA minions or perhaps Dr. Phil and all the king's men) had. A bigger than life screen appeared out of nowhere and showed a particularly heated chase scene in which Shizuo screamed his head out as he ran down a crowded street, vending machine held over his head as he dashed, Izaya barely visible as a slim dark figure bouncing away, fur fringe flitting in the air. And then Shizuo managed to corner him against a dead end alley and his attempt to hit such a slippery creature resulted in what for all practical purposes looked so much like foreplay that it might as well be that. Shizuo had ditched the machine somewhere along the line but he kept screaming at the top of his lungs, more, he kept screaming at the top of his lungs straight into Izaya's face. Their lips were so close it was difficult to believe they were not about to kiss.

Of course, Dr. Phil and co. did edit. By the time the footage was done playing a knowing murmur ran through the audience and Shizuo flailed intensely. Then blushed.

“It isn't like that! You didn't translate it, I said I wanted to kill the flea! Not do...that!”

Izaya nodded as if once pointed in the right direction he could not help but see the telltale signs that had been there all along. He did so because it hurt his pride in an insult added to injury sort of way to deny what was so to his advantage to consider as patently obvious.

“How horrible, to think that all these years my physical integrity was endangered in such a way. Honestly.”

Shizuo's jaw hit the floor.

“The fuck, you flea, don't tell me you buy this crap?!”

“It all makes sense to me.”

Dr. Phil had been waiting for this moment.

“Oh, don't think it's just Shizuo. You're just as guilty of sublimating as he is.”

Izaya shrugged dismissively.

“Now, no need to stretch it. I know you want your rates to go up but there is no need to be absurd.”

Dr. Phil chuckled. It wasn't pretty.

“You know one of the bad things about having a different girl each night? These girls will talk. Trust me, they'll talk. And I got twenty, mind you, twenty girls who claim that you go on about 'Shizu-chan' as you have sex. M'kay?”

Izaya grew pale. Exceedingly so. Against all odds Shizuo was the one to take a seat in the farthest corner of the stage as far from Izaya as possible.

“You must have bribed them to lie.”

“Oh no you don't. No-huh, not gonna work. You see, we got a video. That proves it. If you insist on denying it we'll have to play it. Do you want that?”

Izaya coughed. Never had he felt so awkward and Shizuo was staring at him with a most perplexed expression.

“I may have said something that to the effect.”

“So now you admit it, huh.”

Shizuo blinked and then frowned.

“I knew you were fucked up in the head.”

Dr. Phil placed a pudgy finger squarely in front of Shizuo.

“You keep out of it. Now, Izaya. Care to explain why you'd even think about Shizuo when you're having sex? Let alone actually talking about him.”

“Getting rid of Shizu-chan is such a goal of mine that it naturally connects with the endorphin rush.”

“Huh-uh. So it's got nothing to do with any latent attraction? Why don't I believe that.”

Izaya had managed to gather himself.

“It is not very relevant whether you believe it or not. The fact remains that having sex makes me happy, finally killing Shizu-chan would make the happy, therefore the two converge.”

Dr. Phil tapped at his notes.

“You know, I'm not buying that. What do you think?”

He turned to Shizuo who was still taking cover on the other side of the stage. It forced Dr. Phil to spin and twist his bulky body in a way that Izaya hoped was as painful as it looked.

“Me? I think he's a freaky homo, that's what I think!”

“Oh shut up. At least I have sex with actual girls. Instead of someone who can't even get it on with blowup dolls.”

Shizuo was beyond indignation.

“Don't go saying my name when you're with your hussies, that's my name you're mixing with your loose habits!”

“'Hussies'? What century do you come from?”

Oprah had followed Shizuo and looked at him as if appreciating a chocolate fountain.

“I mean those whores you're always with! Always with a different whore all the time! Drives me insane!”

Dr. Phil's scandal radar flashed at this.

“Why is that? What is it to you how many sexual partners Izaya has?”

Izaya was just as interested. Shizuo blushed anew and hunted for cigarettes in his vest.

“No smoking on the studio, m'kay.”

“Bloody hell, so annoying. It's cuz, you know, he's a flea and doesn't deserve it.”

Izaya chuckled.

“He's jealous because girls are too afraid to even get within a mile of him. Bet you'll die a virgin.”

“That's none of your business, you slut!”

Dr. Phil was still staring intently at Shizuo and nodding.

“To be fair it's none of your business just who Izaya sleeps with either. And you do sound jealous, to be honest.”

Shizuo muttered something or other too low for Shingen to hear. Izaya piped merrily.

“Want me to introduce you to some cute girls? Then again, in your case it might be easier to opt for professional girls. At least they won't be picky. It'll cost you, though.”

It came as no surprise that Izaya was a natural at pimping. Dr. Phil pointed his non-chin at Shizuo.

“Why don't you tell us about that dream you had.”

Shizuo's blush deepened to crimson. He flailed and faltered. It was so awkward that Izaya all but hummed with excitement at the possibilities. Oh the possibilities.

“Dreams don't mean anything! They're just dreams...that has got nothing to do with anything here!”

“Dr. Phil is Freud now!”

“Dreams are an interface between the subconscious and the conscious minds, m'kay.”

Izaya was quite impressed at the computer metaphor.

“How do you even know about the dream...and it wasn't like that! It wasn't!”

“Oh we got our ways, trust me. We know things.”

Izaya could very well believe it. He was realizing just how widely spread Dr. Phil and co.'s contacts were. Never underestimate the fat bald Texan, m'kay. Shizuo licked his lips and addressed Shingen.

“Do I have to tell...?”

“Young man, you should.”

Dr. Phil sealed it with a smile and,

“If you don't tell, I will.”

Shizuo turned a shade of ashy gray.

“Huh, well, so I had this dream....must have eaten some bad food. Anyway, Izaya was in this dream and we were, erm, you know...doing this and that...BUT he was a girl in my dream, a girl! So it's not like that!”

Izaya blinked rapidly. Then burst out laughing.

“Oh dearie, that's too much!”

“Shut up!”

Dr. Phil gestured Shizuo to keep quiet. And somehow it worked.

“Now, why don't you tell us more about this dream?”

“Dreams don't mean nothing...like I said, it was Izaya but he was a girl. I'm not a homo, he was a girl in my dream.”

This seemed to be a point of honor for Shizuo. Izaya rolled his eyes and giggled.

“That's hardly the biggest problem here, Shizu-chan. But who could tell that you'd be raping me in dreams.”

Shizuo jumped to his feet, glaring crazily.

“Don't lump me with the likes of you! There was no rape, you wanted me to do you!”

“...good thing that was just a dream.”

Dr. Phil slapped the notes across his knees.

“Dreams tell us a lot about people, m'kay? It is very interesting that in this dream of yours everything was very consensual.”

“But he was a girl...”

Dr. Phil tucked his feet one behind the other and did another forward leaning swerve.

“Girl or no girl, fact remains that it was Izaya in your dream.”

Shizuo's blush deepened to dark crimson and he paced up and down as if he needed to do something. Oprah followed him a few steps behind but Shizuo did not even notice.

“Doesn't matter, it's all the damned flea's fault anyway.”

Izaya clicked with his tongue and offered a piece of his wisdom:

“I must say that I am shocked, absolutely shocked.”

Dr. Phil set his small beady eyes on Izaya who did not at all care for the twinkle he saw there.

“You think that the dream is bad? How about your roleplaying habits?”

Izaya squirmed and fretted.

“There is nothing particularly wrong in having certain preferences in terms of clothing when it comes to sex. It sets the mood.”

“Huh-uh. The mood, huh. How about having your girls wear short blonde wigs and bartender outfits with skimpy skirts? Remember that video? It was all there.”

Izaya's smile died on his lips. He coughed.

“That is, well, just an extra kink-”

“And you don't find it strange that you make your sexual partners dress up as Shizuo? And let's not forget that you call them 'Shizuo'.”

This caught Shizuo's attention.

“That's messed up. Crazy flea.”

“Oh give me a break. I'm not the one having wet dreams at this age. Grow up, will you?”

“I can't choose what I dream about! It's out of my control! Your sick games with vests and stuff, that's just- just- sick!”

Izaya was about to inform Shizuo that he was being redundant. But Dr. Phil cut him short.

“Shizuo has a point there. It's true that you can't control dreams.”

“See?! I've been saying that for a while now...”

Dr. Phil swung so fast that this time around Izaya was sure that he was about to pull a Humpty Dumpty. But no, Dr. Phil's balance seemed unshakable. Izaya suspected that not even a 9.0 earthquake could change that.

“What do you think that says about you, though? It says that you do have a subconscious attraction to him! How more obvious does it get? Huh?! This is what you really feel without the interference of conscious regression. Just admit it already!”

Shizuo stammered.

“But- but- he was a girl in my dream...he's not a girl in real life...I'm no homo!”

“M'kay. A closet case if I ever saw one. Two of them, even.”

Dr. Phil stared intently at Izaya who looked peeved.

“For the record, I have a very healthy sexual life with females.”

“Hmm...and males too, I believe.”

This did make Izaya flail.

“That is not particularly relevant.”

“Right...”

“Yeah, no wonder the flea is gay! He looks gay.”

“It's called 'bisexual' if you must know and it is none of your business anyway.”

Shizuo and Izaya spent some time glaring at each other. Dr. Phil let them and then changed topic.

“M'kay, so let me see if I got this right: you've been trying to kill Izaya for years now, correct?”

“Yeah! Cuz he's, well, Izaya.”

“Huh-uh. Throwing vending machines and other heavy objects at him regularly, right?”

“He deserves it, too.”

Dr. Phil made a show of scanning his notes carefully.

“Then, how come he's still alive and kicking?”

“Er, he's shifty. Dodges stuff real well. Fleas can jump a lot, you know.”

“Has it occurred to you that you don't actually want to kill him?”

Shizuo gasped as if badly offended. He finally crossed the stage again and settled on the sofa, having decided that being closer to Moustache Man would make a point of sorts.

“I wanted to kill him, I really did. I've been trying all this time but he is shifty. He dodges.”

“Oh gee, should I just stay put and let you run me over? As if!”

Dr. Phil swung left and right as if undecided which of them to tackle first. He settled for keeping the heat on Shizuo.

“Let me see if I get this straight. It's been years, years of failed attempts at Izaya's life?”

Shizuo nodded sadly.

“Yeah.”

“You know, either you have a really bad aim or something is else is going on here. And by the looks of it your aim isn't at fault. After all you manage to hit plenty of people. It's just when it comes to Izaya here that you fail.”

“You don't understand Dr. Moustache, he does parkour.”

Dr. Phil frowned a bit but he turned to a camera and promptly said,

“Parkour, our viewers might want to know, is a form of urban obstacle track racing using all sorts of techniques and agility. M'kay?”

“M'kay!”

Izaya simply could not resist. Dr. Phil ignored him.

“So you want me to believe that because Izaya is like Spiderman or something you simply can't put as much as a dent on him? Huh? You want me to believe that? According to my notes you never actually caused any damage to Izaya.”

Shizuo crossed his arms, cast a furtive glance at Izaya.

“He makes me so angry that I keep missing, can't even hit him.”

“Sucks being you, Shizu-chan.”

Dr. Phil scratched his chin or what passed for one in his case.

“You know what I think? I think that down deep you never meant to kill him. Not really.   
You don't know how to deal with your feelings and so you flip a lid, literally even, and go all crazy but killing him is the last thing you want. Subconsciously you know this. That's why even when you 'lose it' as you put it you still don't harm him.”

Shizuo flailed and Izaya snickered. And right away Dr. Phil zeroed in on Izaya.

“Shizuo isn't the only one either. This applies to you too. You claim Shizuo is your sworn enemy and we do know he has attacked you many a time. How come it didn't cross that smart mind of yours to hire someone to shoot him dead?”

“I am pleading the fifth on this. My lawyer would never allow me to answer that.”

“Just add 'allegedly' to everything and you'll be fine. Also, we edit this show.”

“I see. Well, I am sorry to prove you wrong but I have indeed taken measures against Shizuo. I allegedly arranged for Shizuo to serve time for a crime that he did not commit and I allegedly slashed him with my switchblade.”

Shizuo jumped to his feet and proceeded to undress from the waist up.

“There, it left a scar! Filthy flea, cutting up people!”

“Not 'people', you and it was 'allegedly' at any rate.”

Oprah swooned at the sight of well-defined abs and nearly drowned in a puddle of her nose blood. No one seemed to notice.

“Allegedly my ass! See, he tried to kill me too!”

Shizuo sounded mortified. Dr. Phil shrugged.

“I don't see a scar. It must have been a superficial wound. What I really want to know is how did he even manage to slash you?”

“Cuz he's got parkour skills! I told you this already, you're supposed to be clever.”

“Huh-uh. Look, it's a minor cut as it is and you pretty much let him do it-”

“Did not!”

“-it goes to show that you both don't really want to kill each other. You'd rather be going at it like rabbits if you pardon my French.”

This time both Izaya and Shizuo gasped.

“That's preposterous.”

“What the hell?! You're twisting up everything!”

Dr. Phil jabbed a thick finger in the air.

“If y'all don't agree with me, it's fine. Why don't you allow me to get an expert to hypnotize you two?”

Izaya was succinct:

“No.”

“No way! Not gonna do that!”

Dr. Phil chuckled.

“Funny how you guys suddenly agree when it comes to keeping up your charade from crumbling. Very funny.”

Izaya did not think it was remotely funny but he could not even 'm'kay'. Not one bit. Shizuo muttered something and having forgotten to get dressed again looked like an awkward male stripper.

Izaya did not miss the similarity.

“Will you get dressed already!”

“What is it to you if I'm dressed or not!”

“It makes me uncomfortable.”

Shizuo glared darkly but Izaya looked away, a faint blush suffusing his cheeks. Dr. Phil of course noticed it.

“Why do you feel uncomfortable, though? I mean, why?”

“Because it is hardly something a civilized person would do. Shizu-chan has no sense of what is proper.”

Dr. Phil snorted.

“Now that's precious coming from you.”

“Yeah! Got a problem with me getting naked? Huh? HUH?!”

“See, this is your problem. You're a primitive caveman living in the modern world.”

“Oh yeah?! And you're a filthy flea!”

Izaya waved.

“Yeah, yeah, come up with something new one of these days. I'm getting so tired of the same old.”

Shizuo seemed to have reached a decision. It included dismissing his pants and was worth it, Izaya's face turned a shade of bright red.

“What are you doing...?”

“So you don't like it when I get naked, see how you like 'em apples now! Screw you! I'll get naked when I feel like it!”

Shizuo beamed as if he had scored a point. Izaya squirmed. Dr. Phil shook his head.

“Now look, no stripping on my studio, m'kay? This isn't that kind of show. If you want that then get a room.”

Only now did Shizuo realize that just his weird behavior came across.

“It's not like that, I just hate him. Izaya-KUN was all touchy cuz I undressed so I had to get naked to show him a lesson! Yeah! That's how it goes, I really do hate him.”

Izaya snapped.

“Will you get dressed already!”

“Make me.”

To Dr. Phil's surprise Izaya suddenly dashed out of the sofa, scooped Shizuo's scattered clothes and ran to the end of the stage where he promptly threw them at his feet.

“Put these on or I'll stomp on then! You just watch!”

“You wouldn't dare.”

“Oh wouldn't I? Maybe you don't care for your clothes that Kasuka got for you. No wonder you're a failure as a brother.”

Shizuo was working himself into a paroxysm of sorts. Before Izaya could react Shizuo charged.

“I-ZA-YA!”

Normally Izaya could dodge Shizuo with some effort but in such close quarters he never had a chance. Shizuo tackled him down and landed on top of him, clambering on top of Izaya. The idea was indeed to at least scare Izaya out of his wits, and it succeeded in that, but suddenly Shizuo thought about his dream and found himself unable to move. 

So he just gaped. Meanwhile Izaya was hollering for security to no avail and all too aware that Shizuo was very naked. In an attempt to squirm away Izaya ended up grinding against Shizuo, his crotch rubbing the front of Shizuo's boxers. And then both froze and exchanged a look of panic, then embarrassment. Shizuo leapt to his feet as if stung and ran out still mostly nude, mumbling something about going to the bathroom. Izaya was left lying in a state of great perplexity before also running out albeit at a slower pace.

“Commercial break, m'kay.”

Shizuo emerged from the restroom looking paler than death and splashed his face with cold water, vigorously drying it only to repeat the procedure all over again. Izaya went to a restroom in another floor to be on the safe place and by the time he left he too was a few shades too pale. He was about to simply slip away from the studio altogether and trust his lawyers if it came to a libel but yet again Shingen dragged him by the ear. Shizuo was already sitting on the sofa, having put on his beloved clothes again, but his mind seemed miles away. He flinched when Izaya sat on the opposite side and both busied themselves trying their very best not to look at each other.

Dr. Phil clambered to his high chair and resumed.

“Welcome back. Now, what exactly happened just now? Huh? Huh?”

He twisted his body and darted intently at Shizuo, then Izaya, then at Shizuo again but neither of them met his piercing eyes.

“Hello, cat got your tongues?”

Izaya cleared his throat but said nothing. Shizuo took a cigarette and snapped it absent mindedly. Izaya studied his rings with great care as if he had a vested interest in making sure they sparkled just right. Shizuo snapped another cigarette.

“Now hold it! You, stop littering my studio. And you, look at me, m'kay?”

Neither Shizuo nor Izaya paid him any attention. In fact, it was unsure whether they even heard him. The silence widened. Izaya took it to studying his perfectly manicured nails. Dr. Phil would have none of this.

“Y'all, I have a deal. Just hear me out.”

Izaya perked his ears. His job included doing deals first and foremost and the fact that these were mostly shady only attested to his skill in negotiation. Slowly he turned his eyes to Dr. Phil who carried.

“Look, I am suggesting some intensive therapy. You two spend two weeks together in a specially prepared house and talk things over. At any time I'll contact you via screens. If you both agree to this I won't air this show. How about that?”

Izaya considered it. Not a bad proposal but he was still rather afraid of being in close quarters with Shizuo.

“I have concerns regarding my physical integrity.”

“No worries. There'll be security within earshot.”

Izaya's eyes narrowed and he adopted his business attitude.

“What is it to you?”

“Look, I can't show rape on national TV, m'kay? You stay in the house and see what happens. If nothing happens then that's that. If something violent happens security will intervene. And if some say, serious make out sessions were to take place then I'd air that. But of course it's got to consensual or I won't have usable footage. The ball's in your court.”

The translation reached Shizuo a couple of minutes later because Shingen had decided that now was the perfect time to adjust his mask and using a tighter filter. Izaya took the time to think. He needed to see what Shizuo would say to this before deciding anything. It was not a position Izaya enjoyed but he had to play his cards carefully. Shizuo blinked, blushed, flailed, then said,

“So...if we just, you know, spend two weeks in this place you won't show just what happened back then- I mean...”

“M'kay, that's it, basically. Consider it extreme therapy. You can talk to me at any time.”  
Izaya giggled, having recovered some leverage.

“Oh my, Dr. Phil apparently doesn't have a life.”

Shizuo had been thinking very hard and he now got up and announced,

“I'll do it! Still hate him, bloody louse, but it'll be best if people don't, you know...get the wrong idea...with footage that is...”

“Yes, I concur. I hate you just as much, Shizu-chan.”

“Good. Hating is good! Keep on hating me and I'll keep on hating you!”

“And we cannot possibly go wrong that way.”

“Yeah!”

Izaya and Shizuo actually smiled at each other. Dr. Phil was very amused but he used his notes to hide his smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Before making his agreement final Izaya read the terms very carefully. The house in question was very big and there were enough rooms for Shizuo and him to live in opposite arenas and hardly interact at all. And that was wonderful news. There was unfortunately something called 'communication time' in which they were forced to have a conversation together supervised by Dr. Phil now in pure Big Brother fashion but it was only half an hour. The lack of internet connection, of any kind of communication with the outside, of even TV, newspapers and books was exceedingly aggravating but there was nothing to be done about it other than endure it.

“I'll take this room. You stay away, you hear me?”

Shizuo did not even check it for size but simply opened the first door he saw. Izaya waited with folded arms outside.

“You do realize that's a closet, right?”

Shizuo stepped out and glared.

“This is all for fault, everything is your fault.”

“Look, Shizu-chan. I don't like this any more than you do. The best way to make this as least painful for both of us as possible is to stay out of each other's way. I'll take that room at the back of the house and you can take that one. You won't even see me except for meals, and even that I'm sure can be arranged if we fix a rotation of sorts in the kitchen.”

Shizuo scratched his head but it sounded too reasonable for him to anything but agree.

“Yeah, I guess. Still bloody hate your guts and hope you drown in Tokyo bay soon.”

“Ah...right back at you.”

Izaya was rather puzzled. He was used to Shizuo hurling insults at him but the tone was now conversational. Shizuo too did not exactly know what to make of it, actually having a conversation like this was weird.

Dr. Phil, who could of course see all this, had a 'just as planned' moment and rubbed his pudgy hands at the thought of his ratings going through the roof. M'kay. And they were already walking in and out of closets without his doing nothing.

Before entering the house Izaya and Shizuo had a secret meeting of sorts.

“So you see, all we have to do is to keep a low profile and try to get along. There are cameras all over the place and the last thing either of us want is to give Mister Moustache more things to use against and twist things.”

Shizuo nodded.

“Yeah...okay.”

“If we argue too much he'll go on and on about how it's just a cover for...other things and you do not want that.”

And these were the arrangements they set about to put into practice. Izaya was happy to find that after all there were some books but profoundly disappointed that these were of Dr. Phil's penship and thus useless as far as he was concerned. One of said books was about siblings and Izaya decided to let Shizuo know. It gave the impression that they were on friendlier terms without coming across as too friendly. He knocked at the door.

“The hell you want?”

“Gee, I thought you might want to read this book on how to improve siblings' relationship but seems you don't care.”

“Give me that. Oh, thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

Shizuo was already avidly leafing through the tome. Izaya was about to retreat back to his room but Shizuo detained him.

“Don't you want to read it? So you can get along with your sisters.”

“I'll pass. I don't trust Big Brother.”

*

So far so good, Izaya thought as he tested the water in the tub with a toe. Nice and warm. Izaya sank in the steaming water and smiled happily, closing his eyes as he felt tension leaving his muscles. This was a Western tub so he could not soak in properly but he could not complain. And one thing lead to another, he began to stroke himself, his mind a deliberate blank. This was the one place that was not supervised by cameras and two weeks with no sexual release at all was too much than Izaya could handle. So it was best to take care of things where he would not be watched than end up running into some embarrassing situations later on.

And currently Izaya was very much engaged in keeping away from such situations. What had happened in the studio had been bad enough. He did not want to at all think about it now but still Shizuo's image flitted past his thoughts and his erection took shape immediately. Izaya remained with his eyes closed, a faint moan escaping from between his lips as he heated up.

“Shizu-chan....”

“The hell!”

Izaya flailed so much that he half drowned then yanked the curtain so as to hide behind it and glare furiously at Shizuo.

“Don't you know how to knock?!”

“What the hell were you doing...?!”

Only now did Izaya notice that Shizuo's boxers were around his ankles, his half erect dick almost level with Izaya's eyes.

“More like what were you doing.”

Shizuo pulled up his pants awkwardly enough.

“This is the only place to do this kind of thing without being seen...wait, you were saying my name just now!”

Izaya thought rapidly.

“That's because I realized you were intruding on my privacy.”

Shizuo frowned. Izaya wished he could not see the bulge in the jeans but it was impossible to miss.

“Dunno about that. You sounded weird. Like you were doing...stuff.”

“Don't lump me with the likes of you.”

So much for getting along.

“How come you're blushing?”

“Because the water is hot! Are you an idiot?! No wait, nevermind.”

Shizuo spotted something floating in the water and dramatically pointed at it.

“That! That's....that's totally pre-cum!”

“It's shower cream.”

“Like I'd buy that!”

“How about you just get lost and let me bathe in peace?”

“Can't bloody do that! I got to, you know...and I can't do it anywhere else! You leave!”  
Izaya could not of course do that for a million and one reasons. He cursed his bad luck.

“Look, I'll just close the curtain and let you do your thing then leave me to have a nice bath without further interruption.”

Shizuo looked absolutely mortified.

“I can't jerk off when you're in the same room! No way I can do that!”

“Sucks being you, then.”

But Shizuo would have none of this. He hesitated before simply flinging open the curtain and he was about to toss a towel at Izaya and herd him out the bathroom when he realized that Izaya was very hard. Shizuo flailed so much that for a while he could not even speak. To make matters worse his pants became tighter below the waist.

“You, you're sick!”

“Oh gee, it's within my rights to masturbate when I see fit in my own private time.”

“But- but- don't bring me into it!”

“I didn't. You're the one barging in.”

Izaya snatched the curtain and closed it. He could see Shizuo pacing up and down.

 

“What to do, what to do, what to do, and why is there only one bathroom is this huge house?”

“Probably to promote this kind of situation.”

 

“Oh. That's fucked up, as fucked up as you. That's it, gotta throw you out.”

The curtain swung open again and Izaya stood up much to Shizuo's absolute horror.

“You do that Mister Moustache will spin it into us 'doing this and that' as you'd put it.”

“Only need to show that you're the one with sick tendencies.”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“And you honestly think that will ever fly? Will you open your eyes already! The moment one of us shows any sign of being even remotely sexually attracted to the other we are both screwed because he will do his spinning and trust me on this, this Dr. Phil is good.”

Shizuo only understood the basic outline of what Izaya was saying. He could not help himself from staring and as much as he hated to admit it even to himself he liked what he was seeing. A lot, in fact. Naked Izaya sporting an erection, water dripping from smooth white skin.

“Put a towel around your waist, at least!”

Shizuo was about to do that for him but that would mean touching Izaya. At which point the world might very well end.

“Look, I'll think of something to explain why we're cooped in the bathroom like this- rest assured Moustache won't miss that- but first we've got to keep our wits about us. I don't suppose a cold shower will make it go away?”

“Of course not! Why does this have to happen to me, it's all your fault-”

“Just forget all this talk and listen. I'll pull the curtain and close my eyes. You take care of business. Then you wait until I tell you I'm ready. And then I'll tell you my plan and we'll be on the clear. Understood?”

“Fucking towel...”

Izaya caught himself and wrapped it where it needed be wrapped.

“Do you understand?”

Shizuo kicked at imaginary pebbles.

“Can't do that when you're in the room...curtain don't mean shit!”

“Do you want me to do it for you?! Just get along with the program already!”

Izaya did not of course mean it but it put images in Shizuo's mind. Very vivid images.

“That'd be hot...with plenty of tongue...I mean, shut up”

“What did you just say...?”

“Nothing! You're just hearing things.”

“Right...anyway, hurry up.”

And with this Izaya closed the curtain on Shizuo's face. Leaving Shizuo in something of a predicament.

“Don't go peeping now!”

“Why would I do that? Just hurry up already, I'm becoming a prune here.”

Shizuo turned his back to the tub but he kept glancing over his shoulder. He did not like playing to Izaya's tune and knew that he would be trolled forever for it. Shizuo told himself that was the only reason why he yanked open the curtain.

“Can't get it done, you do it for me.”

“Excuse me...?!”

“It's the only way, okay? It's not like I want it- or anything!”

Izaya sighed. This was something straight out of a whacky BL manga. But just like in those the threat of rape was imminent. Or so it seemed to Izaya.

“Fine. But just a handjob.”

Shizuo did not admit to himself that he was slightly disappointed. Not for long, though. Izaya formed a fist around Shizuo's shaft and slid up and down expertly. Just the enough amount of pressure and speed. Shizuo bucked instinctively and nearly knocked Izaya into the water.

“Will you be careful, you brute! I'm doing you a favor here!”

“Sorry...but it's all your fault.”

Izaya was getting very tired of this. He was going to voice his protest when Shizuo stepped into the tub and pinned him against the wall, pressing their erections together. Izaya's voice hitched.

“Have you gone mad?!”

“Just, taking care of business like you said.”

Izaya moaned despite himself.

“Don't go making weird noises!”

“Oh shut up. And hurry...”

Izaya was very glad that there were no cameras here because it would be dreadful if anyone were to see how he now spread himself for Shizuo to better rub against him. And how he bucked into Shizuo's hardness. As Shizuo made a fist around both of their shafts it was slippery with Izaya's oozing pre-cum.

“Gel my ass, you horny flea!”

“Like you're one to talk- hng...”

Shizuo picked up speed and pumped himself and Izaya, his mind getting more muddled with each stroke.

“Shit, this is so wrong-”

“But good...”

Shizuo was not about to agree. At least not verbally. Judging by the way he tensed up and splattered Izaya's naked skin with his thick whitish load he did agree. Izaya giggled with more than a hint of malice.

“Shizu-chan can't last much, what a shame~”

“You fucking flea!”

“Whee...!”

Of course Izaya could afford to troll because he was already toppling over, his orgasm building up along the sweet friction. He squirmed, eyes rolling, as he released all over Shizuo.

“My clothes!”

“Heh...no worries, Shi-zu-chan! Trust me.”

“As if! And why are you all weird now?”  
It disturbed Shizuo. He was torn between kissing the dreadful flea (just to throw him off, of course. There was absolutely no other reasons behind it) and beating him within an inch of his life.

“Afterglow, feel good chemicals swimming through my blood stream, yay.”

*

They were having dinner when the giant screen lit up and Dr. Phil's all too familiar face loomed at them. Shingen was barely visible in the background but the mask was unmistakable.

“Hello, Phil-sensei!”

“M'kay, glad to see that you haven't killed each other yet. What are you wearing?”

Dr. Phil frowned. He let Izaya's breezy ways fly for now.

“We feel so disconnected from our country and having to eat this...I suppose you Americans call it 'food', that we had to put on kimonos. Couldn't we have some sushi? This is just....urgh.”

Izaya wrinkled his nose and poked at some highly caloric food that was splattered on his plate in a most unflattering manner.

“Uh-uh, it'll be two weeks, y'all. Not long.”

“That's long enough for Shizu-chan to forget most of his kanji.”

Shizuo was rather sullen but this caught his attention.

“It'd take months for that to happen! What the hell, I can read just fine.”

“Months...? Such a feeble minded simpleton you are. I think Dr. Phil wants to fatten us up in good ole Texan style so that he can use us to sell those dieting books he's so fond of. Speaking of which, how have those been working for you?”

Dr. Phil coughed.

“I don't care about all this talk, what I want to know is why did you spend so much time in the bathroom together?”

Shizuo stared at his plate as if he suddenly had a great interest in deep fried stuff. Izaya was unfazed.

“Ah, that. I was having a delicious bath and being Japanese as I am that means that the water was very hot. As I result I ended up passing out, quite embarrassing to be honest. Shizu-chan helped me out. Guess he's not completely useless. But he got his clothes wet and we figured we might as well change into kimonos.”

“Was that how it went, Shizuo?”

Shizuo lifted his eyes from the mushy food rather reluctantly. Izaya had scripted their answers but he was terribly afraid it would be all too obvious that he was lying. He cursed Izaya anew for being so smooth when it came to spewing lies.

“Yeah. Stupid flea nearly drowned.”

“Hmm...how come you didn't open the door, then? Since it was so hot.”

Shizuo blushed greatly at this.

“Didn't think of that, thought the flea was drowning...yeah.”

“And why didn't you call someone from the staff to help?”

“Didn't think of that either.”

Izaya took a very small sip of orange juice as if to indicate his dislike for such drinks.

“Dr. Phil, Shizu-chan isn't very smart.”

“So...the guy pretty much saves your life and you still act like a meanie? Showing your true colors, huh.”

Izaya shrugged. At times he wondered as to why Dr. Phil's vocabulary veered on that of a grade schooler even when it came to derogatory terms but then again the audience's mental age was around that level as far as Izaya knew.

“He overreacted. And I have thanked him already by fitting his kimono for him.”

This part was true and Shizuo hardly knew how to handle his awkwardness. He had no idea how Izaya managed to remain so smooth after what had happened. Shizuo mumbled,

“I'd like some miso soup instead of this...what is this, actually?”

“Deadly food, Shizu-chan. Deadly.”

Dr. Phil peered at them, tiny round eyes blinking.

“Speaking of deadly, I'm worried about having one of you drown on me. That's bad publicity, m'kay? Maybe I'll instal cameras in the bathroom too.”  
Izaya and Shizuo spoke rapidly and at the same time.

“No! I mean, there is no need for that.”

“Yeah, what he said...no need.”

“I was simply not used to bigger tubs. Ours are deeper and shorter so that it's difficult to slip underwater. Not that I was in any danger of drowning.”

“I just thought he was.”

“Exactly.”

Dr. Phil flipped through some notes.

“Uh-huh. But look at that, you're agreeing on stuff already. See how this is good for you?”

Izaya smiled weakly.

“Indeed.”

“Now, I can't take any chances. I can't have people dying on my show, m'kay? So you have two options, either you let me put up cameras in the bathroom or I'll have you two bathe with the other present.”

Izaya and Shizuo exchanged a panicky glance. They had already established a rotation for using the bathroom for masturbation purposes, having a camera on would make things rather awkward. On the other hand they knew firsthand what when they were in the bathroom together. But no one else knew. So without as much as having a word Izaya spoke for the two of them.

“I suppose it's fine if Shizu-chan is there as I take a quick shower.”

“Sure...I don't mind it too much.”

“Great, so it's settled. Mister Shingen here wants to have a word with you. Off the air, m'kay.”

Dr. Phil gave way to Shingen who began by adjusting his gas mask. Shizuo still had no clear idea of what it was.

“Young men, I hope that you realize that you are representing Japan. The eyes of the world are all on you! You have a responsibility to your fellow countrymen-”

“How about getting us some sushi?”

“I like those little cakes they sell at that intersection.”

Shingen nearly choked, mask notwithstanding.

“You are not listening to me. This is the problem with young people nowadays, they have no respect. I remember back in the war-”

“No, you don't. Just how old are you trying to come across as?”

“About those cakes, the vanilla ones with powdery stuff-”

Shingen jabbed a gloved finger.

“How do you expect to become better human beings if you don't listen to your elders?! Back in the war-”

“Again...you weren't around back then. And just who is ignoring what is being said here?”

“Can I get some of those cakes or not...and tell Shinra to record Kasuka's TV drama-”

But Shingen had had enough of instructing the dissolute youth and the screen grew black, presumably to tell others more worthy of his wisdom all about his war memories.

“This may be a good thing, Shizu-chan.”

“Just stay on your side of the curtain!”

It was bath time again, this time Shizuo's as per Dr. Phil's instructions Izaya was present.

“I will. But this way we get to make some adjustments. Let's see, I want at least half an hour every night of alone time at the bathroom.”

Shizuo nearly bolted out of the tub.

“The hell, just how many times do you do it?!”

“It depends on how much action I'm having but I must come at least once a day to be a happy camper.”

“Fuck, sex obsessed freak!”

“Judge all you want, I don't really care.”

“Don't go spying on me!”

Izaya had his back turned as it was.

“I won't. Who would want to see you naked?”

“Dunno about that.”

“Oh please. Has Dr. Phil been getting to you a bit too much?”

“He has a point. You're messed up in the head!”

“I won't hear that from a guy who demolishes half a block on a regular basis.”

“At least I'm not doing nasty things!”

“Ah...could have fooled me yesterday.”

It was Shizuo's turn to snatch the curtain wide open.

“That- that was all your fault!”

“Look, let's call it what it was: we're in a stressful situation and deprived of any outlets for sexual tension. And the curtain, Shizu-chan. The curtain.”

Shizuo closed it.

“And by the way, why don't you take a shower instead of soaking in?”

“Because if you can take an actual bath then it's only fair I can do it too! And shower gel, filthy liar!”

“Right...anyway, you should pick your friends more wisely from now on.”

“None of your business. And I have friends unlike you!”

“It would be better if you didn't. Just who did you tell about that dream of yours to?”  
Shizuo huddled in the water.

“I told Tom...”

“And Tom-san off and told Humpty Dumpty.”

“I had to tell someone! It was freaky! I was freaked out! And you're way cuter as a woman!”

“Shizu-chan, we need to keep our wits about us and focus. Otherwise Big Brother will walk all over us.”

“Huh? Who's that?”

“Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil.”

“Use people's proper names!”

“Now that's precious coming from a guy who seems to be under the impression my name is 'flea'.”

The curtain was yanked open again and Shizuo stood dripping.

“I know your name is Orihara Izaya! It should be Orihara flea Izaya!”

“...the curtain.”

“Damn.”

“And are you quite done or do you want me to rub your back?”

“Bloody flea.”

“Anyway, this forced bathroom time may be a good thing.”

Again Shizuo was standing fully naked, curtain in hand, waving a fist in the air.

“There! You want to see me naked, you sick-”

“Will you close the curtain and actually listen!”

Izaya was the one to close it. He was getting riled.

“Dunno, it's just weird to talk to you when I can't see you...”

“Ever heard of telephones? How did you handle that? I don't expect you to use the new ones with an audio interface. Anyway, what I meant was that we can talk unsupervised and get our tactics straight.”

“Nothing straight about this, it's all wrong-”

“Whatever. This way we can at least arrange what to say to Bald Head.”

“You mean lying...”

“Do you want to tell him the truth instead, Shizu-chan?”

“It would sound wrong...”

“I rest my case.”

*

They both felt that they had weathered a crisis since nothing happened apart from this heated debate. Shizuo decided to blow some steam by working out in a very well equipped gymn in the ground level and Izaya was left to laze around the apartment like a bored kitten. He was so bored that he even read the entire collection of Dr. Phil books since there was nothing else to read. Just when he thought that his brain was about to slide off his skull to trickle out of his ears a big screen popped out and Dr. Phil appeared in all his glory.

“Now, thought I'd have a word with you, m'kay?”

“M'kay.”

“How's it going?”

“Tedious. I can't believe I came all the way to the States and I didn't even get to see anything. Instead I got stuck here.”

Izaya sighed dramatically.

“Now, I'm glad you said that. Because I have a proposal. How about we take this show on the road?”

“On the road?”

“I got a nifty van, it's big so don't worry. Way bigger than your Tokyo apartments I can tell you that. It'll be the same but you'd get to travel around the country.”

“No thanks.”

“Why not? I thought you wanted to see the country?”  
Izaya did not care for how big this van was, he did not see how he could avoid bumping into Shizuo all too often.

“And so I would. But with better company.”

“Travelling together will bring you closer.”

“Not interested. I don't want to become friends with Shizu-chan.”

Dr. Phil snickered.

“Now, the cameras are off now so let me tell you something. I know that you have a thing for him and I know that it's mutual.”

“Oh really? Found that based on the kind of material you write on your books? I'm afraid I was not overly impressed.”

“I can tell. Anyone can tell, really. It's obvious there's a sexual attraction but I bet there's more to it. Oh yes, I'm willing to bet my moustache on it and my moustache is part of who I am, m'kay?”

“...indeed.”

“You're in luck, the van has two bathrooms. How's that?”

“Sorry but no.”

Dr. Phil nodded as if he was convinced and disappeared much to Izaya's relief. But all too soon Shizuo came barging in.

“Izaya! You got to bathe now. So come.”

“No, I don't- don't drag me- I can walk by myself!”

They cooped themselves in the bathroom.

“We should take this offer, I told him I'd need to talk to you-”

“You idiot, you should have turned it down on the spot!”

“Two bathrooms, you flea! That means no need to shower with you around!”

“Oh you simpleton. It also means no chances of talking without his eavesdropping!”

“Oh. Didn't think about that.”

“Of course you didn't, do you ever think at all? We are turning down this offer and that's that.”

“'kay...”

“And now I actually have to take a bath otherwise it would seem strange.”

“Damn!”

“Whose fault is it again, Shizu-chan?”

“Just keep the curtain closed...”

“You're the one with problems in that area. Now if you'll excuse me.”

Izaya took a shower without further interferance. So far so good. But as soon as they left the bathroom Dr. Phil sprang in front of them from a screen that apparently popped out of nowhere.

“Now, you guys didn't hear me out until the end.”

“We are not interested.”

“Yeah, what he said.”

Dr. Phil nodded.

“M'kay. But you know, this van doesn't have cameras on sleeping quarters.”

Izaya's ears perked despite himself. Shizuo too saw an opportunity here.

“Keep talking.”

“I wanna sleep without cameras around, I'm in! And think about it, two bathrooms!”  
Izaya was still rather suspicious but it sounded like a decent offer and an improvement on their current status. Also, it would do away with the difficulties of communicating in private.

“Alright, I accept.”

“M'kay.”

*

Izaya's suspicious were proven right all too soon. The van was indeed very large, a veritable mansion on wheels. Shizuo spent some time being amazed at it from the outside but Izaya went straight to the point, investigating the interior arrangements. There were a lot of rooms to go through so the van was already moving when Izaya realized the horrible fact.

“Shizu-chan! There's only one bedroom!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm sure! There's a bar, the two bathrooms, plenty of space since this is huge but only one bedroom!”

Shizuo gasped loudly.

“Oh. Shit.”

“'Oh shit' indeed!”

As if on cue a monitor appeared from the ceiling and sure enough Dr. Phil was on it.

“What do you guys think of the van? Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.”

“Why is there only one bedroom?!”

“It's in the contract you signed, that you'd sleep in the appropriate sleeping quarters.”

Izaya could have kicked the monitor.

“You tricked us! This is called entrapment pure and simple!”

“No it isn't. It's all there in the contract, you can't fault me for not reading the fine printing.”

“I'm getting out of here.”

“Why the hurry? Besides, the van is already on the road. It's a big room, I'm sure you'll make the best of it. Besides, there's no cameras in the bedroom so you can do whatever you want.”

“I don't want to sleep in the same room with Shizu-chan!”

Dr. Phil leered and his tiny eyes sparkled merrily.

“Oh really? Why not? Afraid you won't be able to control yourself? Hmm...?”

“What are you guys saying, speak Japanese already...”

Izaya forced himself to act as nonchalant as possible.

“Fine. I'll take the right side, Shizu-chan. You take the left.”

“Left...you mean there's only one bed?!”

“Yes.”

“That's! Like! I don't even!”

“Just deal with it.”

“But- but- I may move in my sleep-”

“Then don't move.”

“It's not up to me if I move or don't!”

“We can tie you up, then. Actually, that sounds like a wonderful idea.”

“The hell it does!”

Dr. Phil interrupted the argument.

“That's a Japanese thing, isn't? Shibari. I don't judge.”

“Not that kind of rope.”

Shizuo blinked, rather confused.

“Shibari?! What does have to do with anything- wait, you want to- you sick, sick-”

“Oh shut up already.”

Dr. Phil suddenly looked at some point past then, his voice going on automatic.

“Stay tuned as this Japanese couple travels through the country in a journey of relationship rescue.”

“You're trying to pimp your book, aren't you. And people actually buy them. And you just said 'couple'”.

“Our first stop will be New York City-”

“New York? Now we're talking!”

Izaya almost forgot how dreadful this whole thing was. Shizuo shuffled.

“What's so great about New York, it's just a big city. We already live in a big city, how come we have to see more big cities, it's all the same. People, people, tall buildings, cars, pollution, yakuza, more people, subway stations, pachinkos, taller buildings, even more people. It's all the same.”

Izaya rolled his eyes and put on a disgusted expression.

“It goes to show how uncouth you are. New York is one of the most interesting cities in the world and for the record I very much you will find yakuzas there except in Japanese influenced areas or in hotels. And I very much doubt there'll be pachinkos.”

“It's all the same, too many people. Don't wanna go.”

“Tell you what, Shizu-chan! Do you know where you won't find people? The South pole. 

So what are you waiting for, move there. You can feed off penguins and hunt for seals in the sea like the beastly creature you are.”

“You think you're funny! You're not! Bloody flea-”

Dr. Phil chuckled in the background.

“I leave y'all alone now, m'kay? We arrive at New York in a couple of hours.”

“Yay for New York!”

“Stupid cities, it's all the same.”

Shizuo was tempted to repeat himself as they were dropped off at Chinatown. Izaya had been in a rapture as soon the tops of skyscrapers began to block out the sky and jumped up and down as they crossed the bridge. It was enough to get Shizuo in a bad mood.  
And Shizuo focused on being morose because they were times when Izaya's bubbly happiness seemed almost cute and he would have none of that.

Presently, Izaya was rather dejected.

“Eh...why Chinatown? We're not Chinese, we're Japanese. Can't Egghead tell the difference?”

“See, I told you it's all the same. People, people, people, more people, no end to them.”

Dr. Phil popped out in front of him, the real man in the flesh. There was something creepy in having such a man simply appear like that without a warning.

“Now, I know you guys aren't Chinese. That's why you're in Chinatown, it's foreign to you.”

“We have a Chinatown in Yokohama. What's the point is coming to New York for the Chinatown?! I want to go to Fifth Avenue.”

“Later, m'kay. For now it is time for Chinatown.”

And just like he had appeared Dr. Phil disappeared. Izaya did not remain depressed for long. In no time he was skipping down the street, chatting with random people, stuffing himself with pork buns.

“Delicious food! Finally, all that dreadful American food was absolutely killing me.”  
Shizuo eyed the food suspiciously.

“Is that any good?”

“Try one.”

Shizuo took a small bite and then gobbled up an entire bun. Izaya wrinkled his nose.

“Hey, real tasty.”

“The way you eat is absolutely disgraceful.”

They made their way through packed streets and thronged avenues.

“It's like I said, it's all the same.”

“Where are the pachinkos, Shizu-chan? And the yakuza?”

“Dunno. In basements?”

“You're not even trying, are you.”

“Wanna take the boat? The river seemed kinda cool.”

Izaya would rather ditch Shizuo altogether and have a blast on fifth avenue and Times square but unfortunately their agreement entailed that they stuck together. So it might be for the best that Izaya indulged Shizuo for the time being to get him more receptive to his plans.

Shizuo had a blast, much to Izaya's amazement, watching the water sprays that the boat left on its wake. As for Izaya and found a group of Japanese tourists and immediately latched unto them to catch up on things. As a result Shizuo and Izaya were happier than they had been since this trip had begun and more relaxed around each other. Izaya did not even mind Shizuo's suggestion to visit Central park and promptly flung himself on the grass, having carefully placed a towel on the ground so as not to dirty his clothes.

“Ah, I'm beat. I didn't know that staying locked up in that house was this bad for my legs.”

“You wouldn't be tired if you didn't jump around all crazy.”

“Whatever. Go buy me an icecream now.”

“Who do you think I am, your butler?!”

“Buy one for yourself too.”

“Bloody hell.”

Shizuo returned shortly with a vanilla cone that was already dripping.

“Thanks a bunch, Shizu-chan.”

Izaya licked the swirly top. Shizuo blushed and flailed.

“That one wasn't for you!”

To make this point Shizuo snatched the cone from Izaya and downed it in one go, getting quite a headache in the process. Dr. Phil materialized from a bush.

“This is what in Japan they call, 'an indirect kiss', m'kay?”

Izaya jumped.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“It's not like that! They were sold out, there was only one cone left and then the flea goes and steals it from me!”

Shingen appeared right next to Dr. Phil, translating as he adjusted the mask.

“I stole nothing.”

“You're a greedy flea!”

Dr. Phil looked from one to the other, his eyes shiny.

“Now, how is the date going?”

“This is not a date, I am simply indulging Shizu-chan for the time being.”

“Who- who would want to date the flea?! I'm not gay!”

“So the date is going well, good, good.”

Shingen removed his gas mask and sure enough there was another one underneath it. Izaya was not even surprised. Shizuo blinked.

“You don't have a face...?”

“It explains so much.”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Phil gesticulated.

“Looks like you guys are having fun.”

Suddenly, Izaya realized that there was another fictional character to with whom Dr. Phil shared an uncanny similarity. It was enough to send him giggling.

“Dr. Robotnik! They could be twins!”

Once thought it could not be unthought and unlike the rest of Izaya's whacky comparisons Shizuo actually knew who Dr. Robotnik was. Shizuo laughed at the mental  
picture.

“Yeah, you got a point there! Same moustache and all.”

“I bet they went to the same school, too! And learned how to make giant machines of destruction! Demolishing ball!”

Izaya skipped about to express his hilarity and Shizuo chuckled.

“You know, couples that can laugh together have a great future ahead. It shows a connection, m'kay?”

Izaya froze on the spot. Shizuo forced himself to scowl.

“That's just a cliché.”

“We're not a couple! I am not gay, not gay!”

“We'll be back in a second.”

Izaya pushed Shizuo aside.

“Don't go luring me into weird places!”

“Just listen to me. You have got to stop freaking out and going, 'I'm not gay!' all the time.”

“But I'm not. You're the one who is all gay and shit.”

“For the record I am not but nevermind that now. The problem here is that the poor you freak out about it the gayer you come across. Dr. Robotnik there will just say you're in  
denial, m'kay.”

“What should I say, then?”

“Simple. Just shrug it off.”

“Okay...but if that backfires I am so killing you!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Dr. Phil had an announcement when they returned.

“You're going on one of those tour buses now. It'll stop on fifth avenue.”

“Alright! Finally.”

Shizuo looked at all the pretty green grass and sighed.

“I wish there was a place like this in 'bukuro. Or even in Shinjuku. It's so nice to have all this nature around.”

“With the way real estate works in Tokyo? Keep dreaming. Not to mention there isn't exactly any space to make a garden. Unless you demolish a few buildings and tear down an overpass or two.”

“Yeah, I wouldn't mind if we could have a garden.”

Dr. Phil presented them with a digital camera.

“Take pictures of Central Park, m'kay? Also, I booked you a carriage to take you around the park.”

It was Shizuo's time to rejoice. Izaya turned the camera over.

“Can we get a Sony? I like Sony, one should always support national products.”

“Now don't be cheeky, you hear? Just be happy you get a camera. American electronics are good, too.”

Shizuo snatched the camera.

“How does this thingy work?”

“You aren't too smart, now are you? Fine, I'll teach you.”

And Izaya did just that. Dr. Phil had a 'just as planned' moment but said nothing about it.

“So I just got to press this here button thingy?”

“Yes. This is not exactly rocket science. Even you should be able to get it right.”

“What's that supposed to mean, 'even me'?! I'm not stupid!”

“One wonders, one really does.”

Shingen closed and opened his hands to remind Izaya of ear pinching. The carriage arrived and Shizuo smiled happily.

“Horsies! So cool.”

Izaya rolled his eyes. They boarded the carriage, Izaya, Shizuo and Shingen. Izaya had decided to be nonchalant about this but as the horses began to trot away he got into the mood and enjoyed himself greatly.

“Look at that, Shizu-chan! You can see just how tall the buildings are compared to the trees.”

“Yeah, it's like being in a forest.”

Izaya failed to see how it was so but he knew that trying to figure out Shizuo was a waste of time. Meanwhile Shizuo was struggling a bit with the camera.

“This is complicated.”

“American stuff, what's a guy to do. Give it to me, I'll take the shots for you. What do you want to capture?”

“The trees, and lake, and grass. You know, nature and stuff.”

“You're a small town boy at heart.”

Izaya aimed the camera and took a picture of Shizuo.

“Don't take pics of me, it's weird.”

“Fine by me. Why don't you take pictures of me instead? I'm all for that!”

Shizuo flailed a bit more with the camera. Izaya guided Shizuo's hand to the button and taught him how to wait until the frame locked in.

“I got it now.”

Izaya struck a pose and smiled to the camera. Shizuo frowned, Izaya was indeed a bit pretty if one forgot all about his dreadful personality.

“Let me see, let me see!”

They sat side by side, knees touching, Izaya fully engrossed in the camera and Shizuo too distracted by Izaya himself.

“I didn't botch the pics, right?”

“You didn't, I look as great in digital as I do in real life. Not even you or American technology can change that.”

Dr. Phil popped from under a seat. And of course Shingen materialized too.

“Now, that's just prejudice, m'kay?”

Izaya was startled into jumping into Shizuo's lap.

“Will you stop appearing out of nowhere! And how do you manage to hide, you're not exactly small! And Gas Mask, do you have special camouflaging powers?!”

Dr. Phil coughed and combed his moustache. Shizuo wanted to toss Izaya off the carriage but at the same time this was not an uncomfortable feeling, Izaya's arms around  
him.

“I'm sorry, looks like you were having some intimate time together.”

Only now did Izaya realize just where he was. He scrambled away to another seat but a blush tinted his cheeks against his best efforts.

“You scared me, that's all.”

“Want me to take a picture of you two together? Huh? To show to your friends back home? Or do I have to get a Japanese camera?”

Izaya was going to flat out reject the offer on the spot but he needed to do some damage management. And he fully expected Shizuo to say no.

“I don't care either way.”

Shizuo started at this. He did not know exactly what to do and since he had decided to present a more or less united front to Dr. Phil he ended up agreeing.

“Sure, okay.”

Dr. Phil took the camera.

“Now get closer, y'all. Smile.”

Izaya had no problems smiling but Shizuo's awkwardness came across.

“Done. You can share it with friends and family and post it on facebook.”

“Let's not.”

“Don't want people back home seeing me with the flea, they'd get the wrong idea.”

Dr. Phil snickered.

“You guys went on a boat trip. How come you didn't stop at the Statue of Liberty?”

“No point in that. I've already seen the one in Odaiba.”

“Yeah, I used to go there with Kasuka when he was little. It was fun.”

“I like it too.”

*

And on this good note they took the tour bus. Shizuo was not impressed, no matter what people said about New York: one saw a big city one had seen them all. Once in fifth avenue, however, Izaya was possessed by a fit of joy and proceeded to skip about.

“Walk normally already!”

“I am happy and it is my right to express it. So there. Take a picture!”

“Okay, just stay still! Can't lock the frame thingy when you're jumping about all crazy!”

Shizuo had to take many pictures of Izaya and he was engaged in that when a group of girls approached them.

 

“Oh my god, are you guys Japanese boys? So cute! Desu, desu!”

Shizuo blinked.

“Friends of yours, flea?”

“Er, no. I think they are...could it...oh no, Japanophiles!”

“The hell is that?”

Meanwhile the girls were snapping pictures of them with cell phones and chattering rapidly adding the mandatory 'desu desu' to each sentence.

“They're people who are too much into Japan. At the same time they are mostly clueless about it.”

“What's with the 'desu desu' shit? Bloody annoying.”

“They probably think it's very Japanese.”

“Shit. Make them go away.”

Izaya was about to do that when one of them saw fit to say,

“Oh my god, you're boyfriends, aren't you? How cute! _Kawaii ___!”

_“No. No, we’re not.”_

_“Desu desu! Did you come to New York to get married?”_

_“…do you people actually listen to the words I’m saying?”_

_Shizuo’s frown deepened._

_“If they’re into Japan then why don’t they just speak Japanese instead of adding random words in Japanese?”_

_“Because actually learning a foreign language takes time, time best employed gushing about homoerotic delusions as far as they know. Besides, if they don’t understand what is being said they can pretend it’s dirty talk.”_

_“We totally want to go to the wedding, desu desu desu!”_

_“It just got worse…look, I’m sure you can find someone of Japanese descent in NY to obsess about so just leave us alone. Neh?”_

_Izaya tried his prettiest sparkly smile._

_“But that’s not the same! We want real Japanese boys, as in from Japan! Desu desu desu desu! Japanese boys are our life!”_

_“You people do realize how borderline insulting that is…? It’s inverted racism at its creepiest. You don’t even see us as human beings, do you?”_

_“We love you! _Rabu, rabu, rabu-_ ”_

_Shizuo literally growled._

_“Shut up! Crazy women, this is why I hate them!”_

_“Scary~ and hot!”_

_“Desu-”_

_The girl never got around to more senseless reiteration because Shizuo tossed her aside. To his surprise the rest of the gang busied itself taking pictures and squealing happily._

_“Damn, they’re worse than ganguro.”_

_“Who knew it was possible, Shizu-chan. Maybe I should stomp on them some.”_

_Dr. Phil appeared as he was wont to do. As did Shingen._

_“Since you came all the way to the States you should learn more about American culture, m’kay.”_

_“‘American culture’? Oh my, isn’t that a contradiction of terms.”_

_“That’s right, the only good country in the world is Japan, desu desu desu de-”_

_Another girl went hurtling through the air. Izaya stepped aside._

_“Our sponsors want you two to watch the Justin Bieber movie. For publicity, you know?”_

_“Ah…no can do. I am not a masochist.”_

_“Squee, M or S desu-”_

_Shizuo kicked the third girl out of the picture.  
“It’s either the movie or a concert. Your choice.”_

_Shizuo spat on the pavement._

_“The fuck is this Bie what’s his name fellow?”_

_“Shizu-chan, blessed be the ignorant! And we’ll take the lesser of two evils, the movie it is. Less retarded fans there.”_

_The girls rallied and before Izaya could skip away they were on him._

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This is a draft chapter in a posted work. It will be kept unless the work is deleted.  
Preview  
Chapter 2  
Chapter by Nocturnal  
Chapter Text

Before making his agreement final Izaya read the terms very carefully. The house in question was very big and there were enough rooms for Shizuo and him to live in opposite arenas and hardly interact at all. And that was wonderful news. There was unfortunately something called 'communication time' in which they were forced to have a conversation together supervised by Dr. Phil now in pure Big Brother fashion but it was only half an hour. The lack of internet connection, of any kind of communication with the outside, of even TV, newspapers and books was exceedingly aggravating but there was nothing to be done about it other than endure it.

“I'll take this room. You stay away, you hear me?”

Shizuo did not even check it for size but simply opened the first door he saw. Izaya waited with folded arms outside.

“You do realize that's a closet, right?”

Shizuo stepped out and glared.

“This is all for fault, everything is your fault.”

“Look, Shizu-chan. I don't like this any more than you do. The best way to make this as least painful for both of us as possible is to stay out of each other's way. I'll take that room at the back of the house and you can take that one. You won't even see me except for meals, and even that I'm sure can be arranged if we fix a rotation of sorts in the kitchen.”

Shizuo scratched his head but it sounded too reasonable for him to anything but agree.

“Yeah, I guess. Still bloody hate your guts and hope you drown in Tokyo bay soon.”

“Ah...right back at you.”

Izaya was rather puzzled. He was used to Shizuo hurling insults at him but the tone was now conversational. Shizuo too did not exactly know what to make of it, actually having a conversation like this was weird.

Dr. Phil, who could of course see all this, had a 'just as planned' moment and rubbed his pudgy hands at the thought of his ratings going through the roof. M'kay. And they were already walking in and out of closets without his doing nothing.

Before entering the house Izaya and Shizuo had a secret meeting of sorts.

“So you see, all we have to do is to keep a low profile and try to get along. There are cameras all over the place and the last thing either of us want is to give Mister Moustache more things to use against and twist things.”

Shizuo nodded.

“Yeah...okay.”

 

“If we argue too much he'll go on and on about how it's just a cover for...other things and you do not want that.”

And these were the arrangements they set about to put into practice. Izaya was happy to find that after all there were some books but profoundly disappointed that these were of Dr. Phil's penship and thus useless as far as he was concerned. One of said books was about siblings and Izaya decided to let Shizuo know. It gave the impression that they were on friendlier terms without coming across as too friendly. He knocked at the door.

“The hell you want?”

“Gee, I thought you might want to read this book on how to improve siblings' relationship but seems you don't care.”

“Give me that. Oh, thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

Shizuo was already avidly leafing through the tome. Izaya was about to retreat back to his room but Shizuo detained him.

“Don't you want to read it? So you can get along with your sisters.”

“I'll pass. I don't trust Big Brother.”

*

So far so good, Izaya thought as he tested the water in the tub with a toe. Nice and warm. Izaya sank in the steaming water and smiled happily, closing his eyes as he felt tension leaving his muscles. This was a Western tub so he could not soak in properly but he could not complain. And one thing lead to another, he began to stroke himself, his mind a deliberate blank. This was the one place that was not supervised by cameras and two weeks with no sexual release at all was too much than Izaya could handle. So it was best to take care of things where he would not be watched than end up running into some embarrassing situations later on.

And currently Izaya was very much engaged in keeping away from such situations. What had happened in the studio had been bad enough. He did not want to at all think about it now but still Shizuo's image flitted past his thoughts and his erection took shape immediately. Izaya remained with his eyes closed, a faint moan escaping from between his lips as he heated up.

“Shizu-chan....”

“The hell!”

Izaya flailed so much that he half drowned then yanked the curtain so as to hide behind it and glare furiously at Shizuo.

“Don't you know how to knock?!”

“What the hell were you doing...?!”

Only now did Izaya notice that Shizuo's boxers were around his ankles, his half erect dick almost level with Izaya's eyes.

“More like what were you doing.”

Shizuo pulled up his pants awkwardly enough.

“This is the only place to do this kind of thing without being seen...wait, you were saying my name just now!”

Izaya thought rapidly.

“That's because I realized you were intruding on my privacy.”

Shizuo frowned. Izaya wished he could not see the bulge in the jeans but it was impossible to miss.

“Dunno about that. You sounded weird. Like you were doing...stuff.”

“Don't lump me with the likes of you.”

So much for getting along.

“How come you're blushing?”

“Because the water is hot! Are you an idiot?! No wait, nevermind.”

Shizuo spotted something floating in the water and dramatically pointed at it.

“That! That's....that's totally pre-cum!”

“It's shower cream.”

“Like I'd buy that!”

“How about you just get lost and let me bathe in peace?”

“Can't bloody do that! I got to, you know...and I can't do it anywhere else! You leave!”  
Izaya could not of course do that for a million and one reasons. He cursed his bad luck.

“Look, I'll just close the curtain and let you do your thing then leave me to have a nice bath without further interruption.”

Shizuo looked absolutely mortified.

“I can't jerk off when you're in the same room! No way I can do that!”

“Sucks being you, then.”

But Shizuo would have none of this. He hesitated before simply flinging open the curtain and he was about to toss a towel at Izaya and herd him out the bathroom when he realized that Izaya was very hard. Shizuo flailed so much that for a while he could not even speak. To make matters worse his pants became tighter below the waist.

“You, you're sick!”

“Oh gee, it's within my rights to masturbate when I see fit in my own private time.”

“But- but- don't bring me into it!”

“I didn't. You're the one barging in.”

Izaya snatched the curtain and closed it. He could see Shizuo pacing up and down.

 

“What to do, what to do, what to do, and why is there only one bathroom is this huge house?”

“Probably to promote this kind of situation.”

 

“Oh. That's fucked up, as fucked up as you. That's it, gotta throw you out.”

The curtain swung open again and Izaya stood up much to Shizuo's absolute horror.

“You do that Mister Moustache will spin it into us 'doing this and that' as you'd put it.”

“Only need to show that you're the one with sick tendencies.”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“And you honestly think that will ever fly? Will you open your eyes already! The moment one of us shows any sign of being even remotely sexually attracted to the other we are both screwed because he will do his spinning and trust me on this, this Dr. Phil is good.”

Shizuo only understood the basic outline of what Izaya was saying. He could not help himself from staring and as much as he hated to admit it even to himself he liked what he was seeing. A lot, in fact. Naked Izaya sporting an erection, water dripping from smooth white skin.

“Put a towel around your waist, at least!”

Shizuo was about to do that for him but that would mean touching Izaya. At which point the world might very well end.

 

“Look, I'll think of something to explain why we're cooped in the bathroom like this- rest assured Moustache won't miss that- but first we've got to keep our wits about us. I don't suppose a cold shower will make it go away?”

“Of course not! Why does this have to happen to me, it's all your fault-”

“Just forget all this talk and listen. I'll pull the curtain and close my eyes. You take care of business. Then you wait until I tell you I'm ready. And then I'll tell you my plan and we'll be on the clear. Understood?”

“Fucking towel...”

Izaya caught himself and wrapped it where it needed be wrapped.

“Do you understand?”

Shizuo kicked at imaginary pebbles.

“Can't do that when you're in the room...curtain don't mean shit!”

“Do you want me to do it for you?! Just get along with the program already!”

Izaya did not of course mean it but it put images in Shizuo's mind. Very vivid images.

“That'd be hot...with plenty of tongue...I mean, shut up”

“What did you just say...?”

“Nothing! You're just hearing things.”

“Right...anyway, hurry up.”

And with this Izaya closed the curtain on Shizuo's face. Leaving Shizuo in something of a predicament.

“Don't go peeping now!”

“Why would I do that? Just hurry up already, I'm becoming a prune here.”

Shizuo turned his back to the tub but he kept glancing over his shoulder. He did not like playing to Izaya's tune and knew that he would be trolled forever for it. Shizuo told himself that was the only reason why he yanked open the curtain.

“Can't get it done, you do it for me.”

“Excuse me...?!”

“It's the only way, okay? It's not like I want it- or anything!”

 

Izaya sighed. This was something straight out of a whacky BL manga. But just like in those the threat of rape was imminent. Or so it seemed to Izaya.

“Fine. But just a handjob.”

Shizuo did not admit to himself that he was slightly disappointed. Not for long, though. Izaya formed a fist around Shizuo's shaft and slid up and down expertly. Just the enough amount of pressure and speed. Shizuo bucked instinctively and nearly knocked Izaya into the water.

“Will you be careful, you brute! I'm doing you a favor here!”

“Sorry...but it's all your fault.”

Izaya was getting very tired of this. He was going to voice his protest when Shizuo stepped into the tub and pinned him against the wall, pressing their erections together. Izaya's voice hitched.

“Have you gone mad?!”

“Just, taking care of business like you said.”

Izaya moaned despite himself.

“Don't go making weird noises!”

“Oh shut up. And hurry...”

Izaya was very glad that there were no cameras here because it would be dreadful if anyone were to see how he now spread himself for Shizuo to better rub against him. And how he bucked into Shizuo's hardness. As Shizuo made a fist around both of their shafts it was slippery with Izaya's oozing pre-cum.

“Gel my ass, you horny flea!”

“Like you're one to talk- hng...”

Shizuo picked up speed and pumped himself and Izaya, his mind getting more muddled with each stroke.

“Shit, this is so wrong-”

“But good...”

Shizuo was not about to agree. At least not verbally. Judging by the way he tensed up and splattered Izaya's naked skin with his thick whitish load he did agree. Izaya giggled with more than a hint of malice.

“Shizu-chan can't last much, what a shame~”

“You fucking flea!”

“Whee...!”

Of course Izaya could afford to troll because he was already toppling over, his orgasm building up along the sweet friction. He squirmed, eyes rolling, as he released all over Shizuo.

“My clothes!”

“Heh...no worries, Shi-zu-chan! Trust me.”

“As if! And why are you all weird now?”  
It disturbed Shizuo. He was torn between kissing the dreadful flea (just to throw him off, of course. There was absolutely no other reasons behind it) and beating him within an inch of his life.

“Afterglow, feel good chemicals swimming through my blood stream, yay.”

*

They were having dinner when the giant screen lit up and Dr. Phil's all too familiar face loomed at them. Shingen was barely visible in the background but the mask was unmistakable.

“Hello, Phil-sensei!”

“M'kay, glad to see that you haven't killed each other yet. What are you wearing?”

Dr. Phil frowned. He let Izaya's breezy ways fly for now.

“We feel so disconnected from our country and having to eat this...I suppose you Americans call it 'food', that we had to put on kimonos. Couldn't we have some sushi? This is just....urgh.”

Izaya wrinkled his nose and poked at some highly caloric food that was splattered on his plate in a most unflattering manner.

“Uh-uh, it'll be two weeks, y'all. Not long.”

“That's long enough for Shizu-chan to forget most of his kanji.”

Shizuo was rather sullen but this caught his attention.

“It'd take months for that to happen! What the hell, I can read just fine.”

“Months...? Such a feeble minded simpleton you are. I think Dr. Phil wants to fatten us up in good ole Texan style so that he can use us to sell those dieting books he's so fond of. Speaking of which, how have those been working for you?”

Dr. Phil coughed.

“I don't care about all this talk, what I want to know is why did you spend so much time in the bathroom together?”

Shizuo stared at his plate as if he suddenly had a great interest in deep fried stuff. Izaya was unfazed.

“Ah, that. I was having a delicious bath and being Japanese as I am that means that the water was very hot. As I result I ended up passing out, quite embarrassing to be honest. Shizu-chan helped me out. Guess he's not completely useless. But he got his clothes wet and we figured we might as well change into kimonos.”

“Was that how it went, Shizuo?”

Shizuo lifted his eyes from the mushy food rather reluctantly. Izaya had scripted their answers but he was terribly afraid it would be all too obvious that he was lying. He cursed Izaya anew for being so smooth when it came to spewing lies.

“Yeah. Stupid flea nearly drowned.”

“Hmm...how come you didn't open the door, then? Since it was so hot.”

Shizuo blushed greatly at this.

“Didn't think of that, thought the flea was drowning...yeah.”

“And why didn't you call someone from the staff to help?”

“Didn't think of that either.”

Izaya took a very small sip of orange juice as if to indicate his dislike for such drinks.

“Dr. Phil, Shizu-chan isn't very smart.”

“So...the guy pretty much saves your life and you still act like a meanie? Showing your true colors, huh.”

Izaya shrugged. At times he wondered as to why Dr. Phil's vocabulary veered on that of a grade schooler even when it came to derogatory terms but then again the audience's mental age was around that level as far as Izaya knew.

“He overreacted. And I have thanked him already by fitting his kimono for him.”

This part was true and Shizuo hardly knew how to handle his awkwardness. He had no idea how Izaya managed to remain so smooth after what had happened. Shizuo mumbled,

“I'd like some miso soup instead of this...what is this, actually?”

“Deadly food, Shizu-chan. Deadly.”

Dr. Phil peered at them, tiny round eyes blinking.

“Speaking of deadly, I'm worried about having one of you drown on me. That's bad publicity, m'kay? Maybe I'll instal cameras in the bathroom too.”  
Izaya and Shizuo spoke rapidly and at the same time.

“No! I mean, there is no need for that.”

“Yeah, what he said...no need.”

“I was simply not used to bigger tubs. Ours are deeper and shorter so that it's difficult to slip underwater. Not that I was in any danger of drowning.”

“I just thought he was.”

“Exactly.”

Dr. Phil flipped through some notes.

“Uh-huh. But look at that, you're agreeing on stuff already. See how this is good for you?”

Izaya smiled weakly.

“Indeed.”

“Now, I can't take any chances. I can't have people dying on my show, m'kay? So you have two options, either you let me put up cameras in the bathroom or I'll have you two bathe with the other present.”

Izaya and Shizuo exchanged a panicky glance. They had already established a rotation for using the bathroom for masturbation purposes, having a camera on would make things rather awkward. On the other hand they knew firsthand what when they were in the bathroom together. But no one else knew. So without as much as having a word Izaya spoke for the two of them.

“I suppose it's fine if Shizu-chan is there as I take a quick shower.”

“Sure...I don't mind it too much.”

“Great, so it's settled. Mister Shingen here wants to have a word with you. Off the air, m'kay.”

Dr. Phil gave way to Shingen who began by adjusting his gas mask. Shizuo still had no clear idea of what it was.

“Young men, I hope that you realize that you are representing Japan. The eyes of the world are all on you! You have a responsibility to your fellow countrymen-”

“How about getting us some sushi?”

“I like those little cakes they sell at that intersection.”

Shingen nearly choked, mask notwithstanding.

“You are not listening to me. This is the problem with young people nowadays, they have no respect. I remember back in the war-”

“No, you don't. Just how old are you trying to come across as?”

“About those cakes, the vanilla ones with powdery stuff-”

Shingen jabbed a gloved finger.

“How do you expect to become better human beings if you don't listen to your elders?! Back in the war-”

“Again...you weren't around back then. And just who is ignoring what is being said here?”

“Can I get some of those cakes or not...and tell Shinra to record Kasuka's TV drama-”

But Shingen had had enough of instructing the dissolute youth and the screen grew black, presumably to tell others more worthy of his wisdom all about his war memories.

“This may be a good thing, Shizu-chan.”

“Just stay on your side of the curtain!”

It was bath time again, this time Shizuo's as per Dr. Phil's instructions Izaya was present.

“I will. But this way we get to make some adjustments. Let's see, I want at least half an hour every night of alone time at the bathroom.”

Shizuo nearly bolted out of the tub.

“The hell, just how many times do you do it?!”

“It depends on how much action I'm having but I must come at least once a day to be a happy camper.”

“Fuck, sex obsessed freak!”

“Judge all you want, I don't really care.”

“Don't go spying on me!”

Izaya had his back turned as it was.

“I won't. Who would want to see you naked?”

“Dunno about that.”

“Oh please. Has Dr. Phil been getting to you a bit too much?”

“He has a point. You're messed up in the head!”

“I won't hear that from a guy who demolishes half a block on a regular basis.”

“At least I'm not doing nasty things!”

“Ah...could have fooled me yesterday.”

It was Shizuo's turn to snatch the curtain wide open.

“That- that was all your fault!”

“Look, let's call it what it was: we're in a stressful situation and deprived of any outlets for sexual tension. And the curtain, Shizu-chan. The curtain.”

Shizuo closed it.

“And by the way, why don't you take a shower instead of soaking in?”

“Because if you can take an actual bath then it's only fair I can do it too! And shower gel, filthy liar!”

“Right...anyway, you should pick your friends more wisely from now on.”

“None of your business. And I have friends unlike you!”

“It would be better if you didn't. Just who did you tell about that dream of yours to?”  
Shizuo huddled in the water.

“I told Tom...”

“And Tom-san off and told Humpty Dumpty.”

“I had to tell someone! It was freaky! I was freaked out! And you're way cuter as a woman!”

“Shizu-chan, we need to keep our wits about us and focus. Otherwise Big Brother will walk all over us.”

“Huh? Who's that?”

“Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil.”

“Use people's proper names!”

“Now that's precious coming from a guy who seems to be under the impression my name is 'flea'.”

The curtain was yanked open again and Shizuo stood dripping.

“I know your name is Orihara Izaya! It should be Orihara flea Izaya!”

“...the curtain.”

“Damn.”

“And are you quite done or do you want me to rub your back?”

“Bloody flea.”

“Anyway, this forced bathroom time may be a good thing.”

Again Shizuo was standing fully naked, curtain in hand, waving a fist in the air.

“There! You want to see me naked, you sick-”

“Will you close the curtain and actually listen!”

Izaya was the one to close it. He was getting riled.

“Dunno, it's just weird to talk to you when I can't see you...”

“Ever heard of telephones? How did you handle that? I don't expect you to use the new ones with an audio interface. Anyway, what I meant was that we can talk unsupervised and get our tactics straight.”

“Nothing straight about this, it's all wrong-”

“Whatever. This way we can at least arrange what to say to Bald Head.”

“You mean lying...”

“Do you want to tell him the truth instead, Shizu-chan?”

“It would sound wrong...”

“I rest my case.”

*

They both felt that they had weathered a crisis since nothing happened apart from this heated debate. Shizuo decided to blow some steam by working out in a very well equipped gymn in the ground level and Izaya was left to laze around the apartment like a bored kitten. He was so bored that he even read the entire collection of Dr. Phil books since there was nothing else to read. Just when he thought that his brain was about to slide off his skull to trickle out of his ears a big screen popped out and Dr. Phil appeared in all his glory.

“Now, thought I'd have a word with you, m'kay?”

“M'kay.”

“How's it going?”

“Tedious. I can't believe I came all the way to the States and I didn't even get to see anything. Instead I got stuck here.”

Izaya sighed dramatically.

“Now, I'm glad you said that. Because I have a proposal. How about we take this show on the road?”

“On the road?”

“I got a nifty van, it's big so don't worry. Way bigger than your Tokyo apartments I can tell you that. It'll be the same but you'd get to travel around the country.”

“No thanks.”

“Why not? I thought you wanted to see the country?”  
Izaya did not care for how big this van was, he did not see how he could avoid bumping into Shizuo all too often.

“And so I would. But with better company.”

“Travelling together will bring you closer.”

“Not interested. I don't want to become friends with Shizu-chan.”

Dr. Phil snickered.

“Now, the cameras are off now so let me tell you something. I know that you have a thing for him and I know that it's mutual.”

“Oh really? Found that based on the kind of material you write on your books? I'm afraid I was not overly impressed.”

“I can tell. Anyone can tell, really. It's obvious there's a sexual attraction but I bet there's more to it. Oh yes, I'm willing to bet my moustache on it and my moustache is part of who I am, m'kay?”

“...indeed.”

“You're in luck, the van has two bathrooms. How's that?”

“Sorry but no.”

Dr. Phil nodded as if he was convinced and disappeared much to Izaya's relief. But all too soon Shizuo came barging in.

“Izaya! You got to bathe now. So come.”

“No, I don't- don't drag me- I can walk by myself!”

They cooped themselves in the bathroom.

“We should take this offer, I told him I'd need to talk to you-”

“You idiot, you should have turned it down on the spot!”

“Two bathrooms, you flea! That means no need to shower with you around!”

“Oh you simpleton. It also means no chances of talking without his eavesdropping!”

“Oh. Didn't think about that.”

“Of course you didn't, do you ever think at all? We are turning down this offer and that's that.”

“'kay...”

“And now I actually have to take a bath otherwise it would seem strange.”

“Damn!”

“Whose fault is it again, Shizu-chan?”

“Just keep the curtain closed...”

“You're the one with problems in that area. Now if you'll excuse me.”

Izaya took a shower without further interferance. So far so good. But as soon as they left the bathroom Dr. Phil sprang in front of them from a screen that apparently popped out of nowhere.

“Now, you guys didn't hear me out until the end.”

“We are not interested.”

“Yeah, what he said.”

Dr. Phil nodded.

“M'kay. But you know, this van doesn't have cameras on sleeping quarters.”

Izaya's ears perked despite himself. Shizuo too saw an opportunity here.

“Keep talking.”

“I wanna sleep without cameras around, I'm in! And think about it, two bathrooms!”  
Izaya was still rather suspicious but it sounded like a decent offer and an improvement on their current status. Also, it would do away with the difficulties of communicating in private.

“Alright, I accept.”

“M'kay.”

*

Izaya's suspicious were proven right all too soon. The van was indeed very large, a veritable mansion on wheels. Shizuo spent some time being amazed at it from the outside but Izaya went straight to the point, investigating the interior arrangements. There were a lot of rooms to go through so the van was already moving when Izaya realized the horrible fact.

“Shizu-chan! There's only one bedroom!”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm sure! There's a bar, the two bathrooms, plenty of space since this is huge but only one bedroom!”

Shizuo gasped loudly.

“Oh. Shit.”

“'Oh shit' indeed!”

As if on cue a monitor appeared from the ceiling and sure enough Dr. Phil was on it.

“What do you guys think of the van? Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.”

“Why is there only one bedroom?!”

“It's in the contract you signed, that you'd sleep in the appropriate sleeping quarters.”

Izaya could have kicked the monitor.

“You tricked us! This is called entrapment pure and simple!”

“No it isn't. It's all there in the contract, you can't fault me for not reading the fine printing.”

“I'm getting out of here.”

“Why the hurry? Besides, the van is already on the road. It's a big room, I'm sure you'll make the best of it. Besides, there's no cameras in the bedroom so you can do whatever you want.”

“I don't want to sleep in the same room with Shizu-chan!”

Dr. Phil leered and his tiny eyes sparkled merrily.

“Oh really? Why not? Afraid you won't be able to control yourself? Hmm...?”

“What are you guys saying, speak Japanese already...”

Izaya forced himself to act as nonchalant as possible.

“Fine. I'll take the right side, Shizu-chan. You take the left.”

“Left...you mean there's only one bed?!”

“Yes.”

“That's! Like! I don't even!”

“Just deal with it.”

“But- but- I may move in my sleep-”

“Then don't move.”

“It's not up to me if I move or don't!”

“We can tie you up, then. Actually, that sounds like a wonderful idea.”

“The hell it does!”

Dr. Phil interrupted the argument.

“That's a Japanese thing, isn't? Shibari. I don't judge.”

“Not that kind of rope.”

Shizuo blinked, rather confused.

“Shibari?! What does have to do with anything- wait, you want to- you sick, sick-”

“Oh shut up already.”

Dr. Phil suddenly looked at some point past then, his voice going on automatic.

“Stay tuned as this Japanese couple travels through the country in a journey of relationship rescue.”

“You're trying to pimp your book, aren't you. And people actually buy them. And you just said 'couple'”.

“Our first stop will be New York City-”

“New York? Now we're talking!”

Izaya almost forgot how dreadful this whole thing was. Shizuo shuffled.

“What's so great about New York, it's just a big city. We already live in a big city, how come we have to see more big cities, it's all the same. People, people, tall buildings, cars, pollution, yakuza, more people, subway stations, pachinkos, taller buildings, even more people. It's all the same.”

Izaya rolled his eyes and put on a disgusted expression.

“It goes to show how uncouth you are. New York is one of the most interesting cities in the world and for the record I very much you will find yakuzas there except in Japanese influenced areas or in hotels. And I very much doubt there'll be pachinkos.”

“It's all the same, too many people. Don't wanna go.”

“Tell you what, Shizu-chan! Do you know where you won't find people? The South pole.

So what are you waiting for, move there. You can feed off penguins and hunt for seals in the sea like the beastly creature you are.”

“You think you're funny! You're not! Bloody flea-”

Dr. Phil chuckled in the background.

“I leave y'all alone now, m'kay? We arrive at New York in a couple of hours.”

“Yay for New York!”

“Stupid cities, it's all the same.”

Shizuo was tempted to repeat himself as they were dropped off at Chinatown. Izaya had been in a rapture as soon the tops of skyscrapers began to block out the sky and jumped up and down as they crossed the bridge. It was enough to get Shizuo in a bad mood.  
And Shizuo focused on being morose because they were times when Izaya's bubbly happiness seemed almost cute and he would have none of that.

Presently, Izaya was rather dejected.

“Eh...why Chinatown? We're not Chinese, we're Japanese. Can't Egghead tell the difference?”

“See, I told you it's all the same. People, people, people, more people, no end to them.”

Dr. Phil popped out in front of him, the real man in the flesh. There was something creepy in having such a man simply appear like that without a warning.

“Now, I know you guys aren't Chinese. That's why you're in Chinatown, it's foreign to you.”

“We have a Chinatown in Yokohama. What's the point is coming to New York for the Chinatown?! I want to go to Fifth Avenue.”

“Later, m'kay. For now it is time for Chinatown.”

And just like he had appeared Dr. Phil disappeared. Izaya did not remain depressed for long. In no time he was skipping down the street, chatting with random people, stuffing himself with pork buns.

“Delicious food! Finally, all that dreadful American food was absolutely killing me.”  
Shizuo eyed the food suspiciously.

“Is that any good?”

“Try one.”

Shizuo took a small bite and then gobbled up an entire bun. Izaya wrinkled his nose.

“Hey, real tasty.”

“The way you eat is absolutely disgraceful.”

They made their way through packed streets and thronged avenues.

“It's like I said, it's all the same.”

“Where are the pachinkos, Shizu-chan? And the yakuza?”

“Dunno. In basements?”

“You're not even trying, are you.”

“Wanna take the boat? The river seemed kinda cool.”

Izaya would rather ditch Shizuo altogether and have a blast on fifth avenue and Times square but unfortunately their agreement entailed that they stuck together. So it might be for the best that Izaya indulged Shizuo for the time being to get him more receptive to his plans.

Shizuo had a blast, much to Izaya's amazement, watching the water sprays that the boat left on its wake. As for Izaya and found a group of Japanese tourists and immediately latched unto them to catch up on things. As a result Shizuo and Izaya were happier than they had been since this trip had begun and more relaxed around each other. Izaya did not even mind Shizuo's suggestion to visit Central park and promptly flung himself on the grass, having carefully placed a towel on the ground so as not to dirty his clothes.

“Ah, I'm beat. I didn't know that staying locked up in that house was this bad for my legs.”

“You wouldn't be tired if you didn't jump around all crazy.”

“Whatever. Go buy me an icecream now.”

“Who do you think I am, your butler?!”

“Buy one for yourself too.”

“Bloody hell.”

Shizuo returned shortly with a vanilla cone that was already dripping.

“Thanks a bunch, Shizu-chan.”

Izaya licked the swirly top. Shizuo blushed and flailed.

“That one wasn't for you!”

To make this point Shizuo snatched the cone from Izaya and downed it in one go, getting quite a headache in the process. Dr. Phil materialized from a bush.

“This is what in Japan they call, 'an indirect kiss', m'kay?”

Izaya jumped.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“It's not like that! They were sold out, there was only one cone left and then the flea goes and steals it from me!”

Shingen appeared right next to Dr. Phil, translating as he adjusted the mask.

“I stole nothing.”

“You're a greedy flea!”

Dr. Phil looked from one to the other, his eyes shiny.

“Now, how is the date going?”

“This is not a date, I am simply indulging Shizu-chan for the time being.”

“Who- who would want to date the flea?! I'm not gay!”

“So the date is going well, good, good.”

Shingen removed his gas mask and sure enough there was another one underneath it. Izaya was not even surprised. Shizuo blinked.

“You don't have a face...?”

“It explains so much.”

“Yeah.”

Dr. Phil gesticulated.

“Looks like you guys are having fun.”

Suddenly, Izaya realized that there was another fictional character to with whom Dr. Phil shared an uncanny similarity. It was enough to send him giggling.

“Dr. Robotnik! They could be twins!”

Once thought it could not be unthought and unlike the rest of Izaya's whacky comparisons Shizuo actually knew who Dr. Robotnik was. Shizuo laughed at the mental  
picture.

“Yeah, you got a point there! Same moustache and all.”

“I bet they went to the same school, too! And learned how to make giant machines of destruction! Demolishing ball!”

Izaya skipped about to express his hilarity and Shizuo chuckled.

“You know, couples that can laugh together have a great future ahead. It shows a connection, m'kay?”

Izaya froze on the spot. Shizuo forced himself to scowl.

“That's just a cliché.”

“We're not a couple! I am not gay, not gay!”

“We'll be back in a second.”

Izaya pushed Shizuo aside.

“Don't go luring me into weird places!”

“Just listen to me. You have got to stop freaking out and going, 'I'm not gay!' all the time.”

“But I'm not. You're the one who is all gay and shit.”

“For the record I am not but nevermind that now. The problem here is that the poor you freak out about it the gayer you come across. Dr. Robotnik there will just say you're in  
denial, m'kay.”

“What should I say, then?”

“Simple. Just shrug it off.”

“Okay...but if that backfires I am so killing you!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Dr. Phil had an announcement when they returned.

“You're going on one of those tour buses now. It'll stop on fifth avenue.”

“Alright! Finally.”

Shizuo looked at all the pretty green grass and sighed.

“I wish there was a place like this in 'bukuro. Or even in Shinjuku. It's so nice to have all this nature around.”

“With the way real estate works in Tokyo? Keep dreaming. Not to mention there isn't exactly any space to make a garden. Unless you demolish a few buildings and tear down an overpass or two.”

“Yeah, I wouldn't mind if we could have a garden.”

Dr. Phil presented them with a digital camera.

“Take pictures of Central Park, m'kay? Also, I booked you a carriage to take you around the park.”

It was Shizuo's time to rejoice. Izaya turned the camera over.

“Can we get a Sony? I like Sony, one should always support national products.”

“Now don't be cheeky, you hear? Just be happy you get a camera. American electronics are good, too.”

Shizuo snatched the camera.

“How does this thingy work?”

“You aren't too smart, now are you? Fine, I'll teach you.”

And Izaya did just that. Dr. Phil had a 'just as planned' moment but said nothing about it.

“So I just got to press this here button thingy?”

“Yes. This is not exactly rocket science. Even you should be able to get it right.”

“What's that supposed to mean, 'even me'?! I'm not stupid!”

“One wonders, one really does.”

Shingen closed and opened his hands to remind Izaya of ear pinching. The carriage arrived and Shizuo smiled happily.

“Horsies! So cool.”

Izaya rolled his eyes. They boarded the carriage, Izaya, Shizuo and Shingen. Izaya had decided to be nonchalant about this but as the horses began to trot away he got into the mood and enjoyed himself greatly.

“Look at that, Shizu-chan! You can see just how tall the buildings are compared to the trees.”

“Yeah, it's like being in a forest.”

Izaya failed to see how it was so but he knew that trying to figure out Shizuo was a waste of time. Meanwhile Shizuo was struggling a bit with the camera.

“This is complicated.”

“American stuff, what's a guy to do. Give it to me, I'll take the shots for you. What do you want to capture?”

“The trees, and lake, and grass. You know, nature and stuff.”

“You're a small town boy at heart.”

Izaya aimed the camera and took a picture of Shizuo.

“Don't take pics of me, it's weird.”

“Fine by me. Why don't you take pictures of me instead? I'm all for that!”

Shizuo flailed a bit more with the camera. Izaya guided Shizuo's hand to the button and taught him how to wait until the frame locked in.

“I got it now.”

Izaya struck a pose and smiled to the camera. Shizuo frowned, Izaya was indeed a bit pretty if one forgot all about his dreadful personality.

“Let me see, let me see!”

They sat side by side, knees touching, Izaya fully engrossed in the camera and Shizuo too distracted by Izaya himself.

“I didn't botch the pics, right?”

“You didn't, I look as great in digital as I do in real life. Not even you or American technology can change that.”

Dr. Phil popped from under a seat. And of course Shingen materialized too.

“Now, that's just prejudice, m'kay?”

Izaya was startled into jumping into Shizuo's lap.

“Will you stop appearing out of nowhere! And how do you manage to hide, you're not exactly small! And Gas Mask, do you have special camouflaging powers?!”

Dr. Phil coughed and combed his moustache. Shizuo wanted to toss Izaya off the carriage but at the same time this was not an uncomfortable feeling, Izaya's arms around  
him.

“I'm sorry, looks like you were having some intimate time together.”

Only now did Izaya realize just where he was. He scrambled away to another seat but a blush tinted his cheeks against his best efforts.

“You scared me, that's all.”

“Want me to take a picture of you two together? Huh? To show to your friends back home? Or do I have to get a Japanese camera?”

Izaya was going to flat out reject the offer on the spot but he needed to do some damage management. And he fully expected Shizuo to say no.

“I don't care either way.”

Shizuo started at this. He did not know exactly what to do and since he had decided to present a more or less united front to Dr. Phil he ended up agreeing.

“Sure, okay.”

Dr. Phil took the camera.

“Now get closer, y'all. Smile.”

Izaya had no problems smiling but Shizuo's awkwardness came across.

“Done. You can share it with friends and family and post it on facebook.”

“Let's not.”

“Don't want people back home seeing me with the flea, they'd get the wrong idea.”

Dr. Phil snickered.

“You guys went on a boat trip. How come you didn't stop at the Statue of Liberty?”

“No point in that. I've already seen the one in Odaiba.”

“Yeah, I used to go there with Kasuka when he was little. It was fun.”

“I like it too.”

*

And on this good note they took the tour bus. Shizuo was not impressed, no matter what people said about New York: one saw a big city one had seen them all. Once in fifth avenue, however, Izaya was possessed by a fit of joy and proceeded to skip about.

“Walk normally already!”

“I am happy and it is my right to express it. So there. Take a picture!”

“Okay, just stay still! Can't lock the frame thingy when you're jumping about all crazy!”

Shizuo had to take many pictures of Izaya and he was engaged in that when a group of girls approached them.

 

“Oh my god, are you guys Japanese boys? So cute! Desu, desu!”

Shizuo blinked.

“Friends of yours, flea?”

“Er, no. I think they are...could it...oh no, Japanophiles!”

“The hell is that?”

Meanwhile the girls were snapping pictures of them with cell phones and chattering rapidly adding the mandatory 'desu desu' to each sentence.

“They're people who are too much into Japan. At the same time they are mostly clueless about it.”

“What's with the 'desu desu' shit? Bloody annoying.”

“They probably think it's very Japanese.”

“Shit. Make them go away.”

Izaya was about to do that when one of them saw fit to say,

“Oh my god, you're boyfriends, aren't you? How cute! _Kawaii_!”

“No. No, we’re not.”

“Desu desu! Did you come to New York to get married?”

“…do you people actually listen to the words I’m saying?”

Shizuo’s frown deepened.

“If they’re into Japan then why don’t they just speak Japanese instead of adding random words in Japanese?”

“Because actually learning a foreign language takes time, time best employed gushing about homoerotic delusions as far as they know. Besides, if they don’t understand what is being said they can pretend it’s dirty talk.”

“We totally want to go to the wedding, desu desu desu!”

“It just got worse…look, I’m sure you can find someone of Japanese descent in NY to obsess about so just leave us alone. Neh?”

Izaya tried his prettiest sparkly smile.

“But that’s not the same! We want real Japanese boys, as in from Japan! Desu desu desu desu! Japanese boys are our life!”

“You people do realize how borderline insulting that is…? It’s inverted racism at its creepiest. You don’t even see us as human beings, do you?”

“We love you! Rabu, rabu, rabu-”

Shizuo literally growled.

“Shut up! Crazy women, this is why I hate them!”

“Scary~ and hot!”

“Desu-”

The girl never got around to more senseless reiteration because Shizuo tossed her aside. To his surprise the rest of the gang busied itself taking pictures and squealing happily.

“Damn, they’re worse than ganguro.”

“Who knew it was possible, Shizu-chan. Maybe I should stomp on them some.”

Dr. Phil appeared as he was wont to do. As did Shingen.

“Since you came all the way to the States you should learn more about American culture, m’kay.”

“‘American culture’? Oh my, isn’t that a contradiction of terms.”

“That’s right, the only good country in the world is Japan, desu desu desu de-”

Another girl went hurtling through the air. Izaya stepped aside.

“Our sponsors want you two to watch the Justin Bieber movie. For publicity, you know?”

“Ah…no can do. I am not a masochist.”

“Squee, M or S desu-”

Shizuo kicked the third girl out of the picture.

“It’s either the movie or a concert. Your choice.”

Shizuo spat on the pavement.

“The fuck is this Bie what’s his name fellow?”

“Shizu-chan, blessed be the ignorant! And we’ll take the lesser of two evils, the movie it is. Less retarded fans there.”

The girls rallied and before Izaya could skip away they were on him.

“Super kawaii!”

“Er, girls, if it’s Japanese people you like let me introduce you to Shingen here.”

Izaya placed Shingen between himself and the female crowd as something of a shield. They blinked at the gasmask.

“Is that some type of costplay?”

“Not at all, Shingen is just so hardcore Japanese that he won’t show his face outside of Japan! He also knows the entire Tale of Heike by heart.”

Shingen was in a speechifying mode.

“Young ladies, it is good that you appreciate the wonder that is Japan. If only our own Japanese youth could see it as well but some, yes some, insist on importing strange habits such as coloring their hair.”

Shingen shook his head and Izaya played along.

“Shameful, isn’t it.”

“The hell, at least I don’t give Japan a bad name like Izaya fucking flea!”

“I do no such thing.”

“Sing some Vocaloid! Desu desu desu!”

Dr. Phil coughed.

“We got to go now, m’kay. It is time for the movie.”

Izaya left the silly girls with Shingen and escaped with Dr. Phil and Shizuo who was still annoyed.

“Hate this, hate this, hate this-”

“Save your hate for the movie, Shizu-chan. I assure you that it will be painful.”

Shizuo snorted. Clearly he did not know who Justin Bieber was and was a happier man for that. Unfortunately not for long. The movie came with Japanese subtitles courtesy of Dr. Phil’s crew so Shizuo could fully grasp the full scope of the horror, the horror. It was an ordeal and Shizuo found himself agreeing with Izaya’s snarky comments. To make things worse the bug eyed lady Oprah was there as well and sitting far too close for comfort for Shizuo.

By the time Shizuo emerged from the theatre he needed a cigarette.

“Bloody awful.”

Izaya nodded in approval.

“I can feel my brain melting and I believe my IQ just suffered a massive blow. Someone  
just shoot me to make the pain go away.”

And with this dramatic pronouncement Izaya slumped on a bench and made his best to look half dead already.

“It wasn’t that bad, m’kay?

“Speak for yourself. You may be immune to disgusting pop sensations posing as actors but, I for one, am not. At least our Idols are cute!”

Shizuo did not catch this since there was no translator present but he must have caught the word ‘idol’.

“Kasuka can mope the floor with that kid.”

“Give me Kasuka any day of the week!”

“Yeah!”

Dr. Phil chuckled.

“Getting along, huh?”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“How would you know? It’s not as if you understood Japanese.”

“Don’t need to. I got my ways.”

“Good for you. Anyway, we’ve watched your stupid movie and it’s getting late. I want to check out the club scene tonight.”

“Fine by me. I can give you some pointers, m’kay.”

“Right…”


	3. Chapter 3

Izaya did not expect Dr. Phil to be a good guide to the night life in New York, as far as he could tell fat Texans with a preachy tendency were useless when it came to the wonders of clubbing. Not that Izaya cared much for dancing at all but then again he suspected most clubbers didn’t either. Still, his motivations were different as was usual the case: Izaya was in it for observation purposes. His beloved humans behaved in most   
interesting ways after all.

He planned to stick around for the first boring club and then take off to enjoy the really hot places. Izaya was so sure that Dr. Phil would simply drag him to some boring and tame joint, along with a grumbling Shizuo, that he did not notice anything was at all off until they were already inside. At which point the alarming number of men, leather and man-on-man action clinched.

“Izaya!!! This is one of those- those gay places!”

“Indeed….”

And just like that Dr. Phil was nowhere to be seen. Izaya was about to leave but he found his way blocked by a bunch of fellows bundled up in leather apparel for which many a calf had given its life. Izaya cursed his luck, he would like to check out some selective gay club but no, he had to be stuck with leather freaks of the creepy type.

“Shizu-chan, just kick them out the way will you?”

But to Izaya’s extreme dismay Shizuo actually tried to hide behind him.

“I ain’t touching them…no way.”

“Er, what?”

“What if they contaminate me with the- with the gay! Not gonna happen! Not on my watch!”

“How useless can you possibly be?!”

“You kick them.”

Izaya sighed.

“And just how am I expected to do that? I am not the muscle head, you are!”

“Yeah, you’re something of a wimp. Fucking flea!”

Shizuo returned to this familiar theme as some kids cling to their favorite blankies when things get scary.

“Just get rid of them before they rape us!”

Shizuo grumbled something and Izaya realized that Shizuo was ready to push him into the lustful crowd to save his ass, literally so. Ever one to think fast on his feet Izaya decided to take advantage of Shizuo’s ignorance of the English language.

“Gentlemen, I am afraid that I am already committed. I’m with the big blonde there. And let me tell you, he is very strong and absurdly jealous so it’s best if you keep away. Neh?”

Izaya smiled neutrally. And soon enough they scattered and kept to eyeing Izaya and Shizuo from afar. Mostly Shizuo, Izaya realized.

“Goes to show you gay people understand one another.”

“Cork it. For your information I bet your type is more popular around these parts than yours truly.”

Shizuo snorted.

“What did you tell them?”

“That we’re a couple.”

“IZAYA-”

“Save it for another day. It worked, didn’t it?”

“I guess. Still, lying and bloody hell, that kind of lie, it’s wrong.”

“Whatever. Let’s just get out of here. Unless someone’s caught your fancy. If that’s the case don’t let me stop you.”

Shizuo snorted anew.

“Like hell! Ugly dudes, not my thing. At least you’re cute and you were real hot as a girl in my dream- I mean, fucking flea!”

“Ah…it’s been a long day so let’s just go back to the caravan. And why we can’t stay in a normal hotel is beyond me.”

They hailed a cab that dropped them on their mobile temporary house. Shizuo immediately began to twiddle his thumbs as soon as they got to the bedroom.

 

“Don’t wanna sleep in the same bed as you, er, you know, right.”

“Try sentences next time. It just so happens that I have a plan so stop fretting. You go to sleep first on your side of bed and I’ll stay up and catch up on my reading. By the time you’re in lala land I’ll then go to sleep on my side of bed. That way we won’t lie awake wondering if the other is sleeping or not.”

“Oh, good idea.”

“Don’t I know it.”

Shizuo relaxed. This entire experience was crazy and this particular day absurdly hectic, he was looking forward to catching some shuteye. Shizuo turned around and his heart nearly stopped.

“What- what the _hell_ are you wearing?!”

“My night undies.”

And indeed Izaya sported a tightly fit piece of underwear, black with a fluffy fur trim. And nothing else.

“You sleep in those?!”

“I do, yes. Do you have a problem?”

“That’s like sleeping naked!”

“Again, do you have a problem with that?”

Shizuo had plenty of problems. He threw one of his shirts at Izaya.

“Wear that.”

“Ew, Shizu-chan’s clothes! This is like a dress on me.”

“Wear it, goddamnit!”

“Is this clean…?”

“Of course it’s clean! Are you saying that I’m dirty?!”

Izaya wrinkled his nose.

“Okay, I’ll wear it…if I have to.”

Izaya was of course going to strip down to his undies as soon as Shizuo was asleep.   
Something occurred to Shizuo, his suspicious nature kicking into gear.

“You’re not gonna do weird things to me after I’m asleep? Are you?!”

“I’ve told you more than once that you’re not my type.”

“You saying I’m not good enough?! Huh?! That what you saying?”

“Why are you upset all of sudden?”

Shizuo floundered, grumbled some and hid under the covers.

“Eh, Shizu-chan, do you normally sleep with your clothes on?”

“Shut up! None of your bloody business!”

“Ah…suit yourself. And I hope you don’t snore.”

Izaya busied himself working on his laptop after which he spun some on a swivel chair because he was on withdraw. By the time he was done Shizuo was fast asleep and fortunately not snoring. Izaya ditched the shirt, placed some fat pillow as a barrier and after stretching most catlike and yawning he settled for dreaming of fluffy futons.

*

Shizuo too had a dream and it included a futon as well. But more importantly, it included the ever illusive girl Izaya. Hot and curvy despite being on the thin side. Just when things were getting good, girl Izaya being something a tease, Shizuo was rudely brought back to the waking world by an annoying voice that despite being familiar he could not momentarily place. In fact, as he blinked awake he did not notice much of a difference between the amazing girl Izaya and the person lying underneath him who just so happened to be the actual Izaya.

“Get off me, you brute!”

“…‘zaya? You’re a guy again…? Shit…”

“I don’t even! Get _off_ me, right now!”

Izaya squirmed underneath Shizuo in an attempt to escape and slapped him hard across the face.

“Hey! That hurt!”

“Shi-zu-o, kindly get off me before I claw your eyes out.”

And Shizuo could very well believe it. Shizuo’s grogginess was gone now.

“Huh, sorry, I was having a dream and there was this chick, yeah, you know like I told you that you were a girl in my other dream, it was like that-”

“That’s it, you’re sleeping on the floor.”

“What?! You can’t do that to me!”

“On the contraire. I can and I will. Be glad I don’t sue you for attempted rape!”

Shizuo was ready to respond but he noticed that Izaya was wearing nothing but skimpy and most definitely weird underwear.

“Why are you dressed like a slut! No wonder I get weird dreams! With you acting like a whore!”

Izaya’s jaw came undone.

“Hello, I was sleeping when you attacked me and it is my fault because of my underwear?! Are you retarded? No wait, no need to answer.”

“Is that fur?!”

“Stop changing the subject here. The floor with you, right now. You do not want to make me cross, Heiwajima Shizuo. Trust me on this.”

Izaya did not quite glare but there was a menacing aura around him that Shizuo recognized as dangerous. It was also very sexy. Shizuo gathered some pillows and blankets that he carried to the floor.

“No need to flip a lid and you shouldn’t get naked like that, I mean, mind goes places-”

“As if you had any right to tell me not to lose my temper.”

Shizuo fluffed a pillow hard enough to rupture it. Feathers filled the air causing Izaya to cough.

“Hey, you okay?”

“What do you think? No, I’m _not_ okay you Neanderthal!”

“I said I’m sorry…what are you doing?”

Izaya was bundling up, having already put on a shirt he now put on three pairs of boxers and put on three extra shirts and two pairs of pants.

“Insurance in case you turn rapist on me again.”

It made Izaya look very much like a human sausage. His mobility was also greatly impaired.

“You don’t have to dress like that, I won’t do anything, it was all a dream-”

“I don’t care. For all I know you’ll get sleepwalker sex predator on me.”  
Shizuo was very offended.

“Sex predator?! Like hell, that’s not me- in my dream you’re a hot chick and you want   
me to do you-”

Izaya threw a pillow at Shizuo and hit him square in the face.

“And you better not whisper a word of this to Dr. Phil.”

“’kay…I kind of have to, you know…”

“Jerk off in the bathroom, no way in hell I’m helping you. Get female Izaya to do that for you.”

Shizuo did not even protest. Sleeping on the floor turned out to be as uncomfortable as he thought it would.

*

The following day both Izaya and Shizuo were very annoyed. They had slept poorly, paranoia woke up Izaya at intervals and because the many layers of clothing were almost as cumbersome as lying on the floor most of the night. So of the two Izaya’s night might have been even worse than Shizuo’s.

Either way, when Dr. Phil appeared in the morning in his happy go lucky way none of them was pleased.

“What do you want?”

“We have a full day ahead of us, m’kay? Today is Oprah’s last show, live from Times Square and you’re invited. Great honor.”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“What-ever.”

“What’s with the dark circles under your eyes? Stayed up all night with Shizuo? Hmm?”

Shizuo was at a loss, no translator being provided.

“Oh please, will you stop fishing for juicy things to feed your homolust hungry audience already? And they say our TV shows are crazy.”

Dr. Phil nodded.

“M’kay, fair enough. Just be on the show.”

*

Shizuo did not like makeup, it was after all hardly manly, Izaya did not care either way. Oprah’s makeup team was very happy to get their hands on them. Shizuo had yet to connect a name to the bug-eyed lady so when he saw her appear and smile all creepily he was rather surprised. The fact that he could not understand a word coming from her mouth did not reassure him either.

“Hello! So happy so have you guys on the Oprah show! Two hot dudes all the way from Tokyo!”

Izaya yawned. Oprah sank her fingers into Shizuo’s arm much to his discomfort.

“Izaya, it’s that woman again!”

But Izaya was not in the mood for even acknowledging Shizuo’s existence.

“While we wait for our interpreter, let me ask you something. Do you have a gaydar?”

Izaya blinked. There was something about stupidity that at the moment he found highly offensive and not at all amusing. A sleepless night did that.  
“No. No, I don’t.”

“Really?!”

“…really.”

“Here he is, hi Tom!”

Tom walked over to the stage and kissed Oprah on the cheek. Izaya and Shizuo gasped.

“Sorry I’m late, aunt.”

“Aunt?!”

In his stupefaction Izaya forgot to speak English. Shizuo frowned.

“Damn, bug eyed lady is Tom’s aunt? Lucky you didn’t get the bug eyes, that’d suck.”

“Oprah is your aunt?!”

Tom took a seat.

“Yeah, I don’t advertise it but-”

“How come I didn’t know about this!”

“You don’t have to know everything about people, Orihara-san…”

Izaya jabbed a finger at Tom.

“Of course I must know everything about people! I’m Orihara Izaya! That I missed something like this is a disgrace!”

“Like I said, I don’t advertise it-”

“That’s irrelevant, I always dig for what people hide. I can’t believe it, I must be losing qualities.”

Shizuo muttered something then spoke a bit louder.

“Can you tell her to stop hogging me? It’s creeping me out! I’m not into bug eyed women! No offense but she’s not my type!”

Tom took the cue from Oprah and asked,

“What kind of woman is your type, by the way?”

Shizuo gave it some thought. At least he had enough sense not to mention girl Izaya. As for Izaya he was still livid because of his oversight.

“I like that blonde girl from that band, An Café.”

“…they’re all guys in that band…”

“The small chick, at times she wears pigtails. Haven’t seen or heard of her in a while, what was her name again…I forgot.”

Tom was at a loss and so he turned to Izaya. Meanwhile Oprah showed the picture of said musician on a larger than life screen. Oprah made weird noises.

“Izaya, you know about An Cafe, right? I think you should tell Shizuo that they’re all guys in the band.”

On second thought Tom would rather Shizuo heard about the truth from Izaya than from him. Safer that way. The picture got Izaya’s attention.

“Why’s Bou on TV?”

“Bou, yeah, that’s her name. Cute girl. I like her a lot.”

Izaya blinked once. Twice. Then burst out laughing, his body shaking as he rocked back and forth, arms clutching his belly as giggles pealed from him.

“Oh you idiot! Bou is a guy, a guy! That’s Visual Kei for you! They’re real life traps!”  
Shizuo blushed, flailed, Tom translated to the audience and his aunt but at a distance. Just in case.

“No way! I’ve seen her wearing dresses and short skirts! She can’t be a guy!”

“Well, ‘she’ is a guy alright! Shame Bou quit the band, it’ll be difficult for you to lust after him now. Such a shame.”

“Er, Tom…is the blonde chick really a guy?”

“I’m afraid so.”

Shizuo was stupefied into silence. Izaya was in mood for being mean.

“Don’t worry Shizu-chan, I’m sure Bou is a woman in your dreams!”

“Don’t go bringing my dreams into this!”

“If you want to be angry at someone be angry at your pal Tom.”

Shizuo frowned in Tom’s direction.

“Didn’t like it that you told folk about my dream, Tom. That really wasn’t cool.”

Tom cursed Izaya.

“Sorry, but I thought it was funny and my aunt loves funny stories.”

“It’s not funny!”

Oprah chirped.

“To celebrate and give you guys a hand we invited the amazing team, the Fab Five!   
Give it up to the Fab Five! Fab Five! Fab Five!”

“Will you stop saying the same thing over and over, lady! Bug eyed, too.”

“Desu desu!”

Izaya’s mood for mischief was back with a vengeance.

“It’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the Japanese edition!”

The audience became hysteric. Shizuo did not even know why, he had no idea who the making their way to the stage were supposed to be. Izaya winced.

“I don’t need their advice and I am not even straight. Besides, those guys creep me out greatly.”

Oprah gasped.

“Is that a confession? So you’re gay! Do you have a gaydar? How about the gaydar!”

“…you’ve asked me this before. And matters aren’t black and white, I have two words for you: Kinsey Scale. I’m right in the middle.”

“I have problems with the scale, keeps adding extra pounds that I swear are not there! I’ve tried every diet under the sun. My nutritionist keeps telling me and Gayle that we got to work out but you girls know how it is, right? ”

A murmur of approval from the audience.

“Not that kind of scale. And how about you try the, ‘not eating like a pig’ diet?”  
Shizuo had something to offer to this discussion, too:

“Yeah and you’d lose an extra kilo if your eyes were smaller. STOP TOUCHING ME, you creepo!”

The Fab Five expert committed the grave error of trying to change Shizuo’s clothes with some groping thrown in for good measure. Shizuo dashed to the other end of the sofa to put distance between himself and the contagion of gay. As Shizuo sat down suddenly Izaya’s end of the sofa shot into the air and up went Izaya. Fortunately Izaya was very agile and twirled midair to land on his feet with catlike ease. He bowed to the crowd.

“This moment was brought to you by Sony.”

It did not surprise Tom that Izaya was sponsored. But it did surprise him that Shizuo was terrified of the Fab Five.

“You weirdos better keep away! Shoo, shoo.”

Sure enough one of them produced one of those dogs-in-purse animals and went,

“But don’t eat her, Miss Precious is not food.”

It was meant to be a joke. It did not work. Izaya grew solemn.

“Your lack of respect for my country leaves me no choice. Please commit hara-kiri and redeem yourself.”

 

Ted Allen stepped up.

“Now hold it just a second, you can’t just imply that we’re ignorant about other cultures. I know a lot about Japanese cuisine.”

Izaya was not even remotely impressed.

“Oh really? Good for you. Doesn’t change the fact that Californian rolls of sushi are a blasphemy and an offense to all things sushi.”

Shizuo was still too wrapped up in shock.

“No way Bou is a boy, such a cute girl…what is wrong with the world! When pretty girls turn out to be dudes! It’s just totally wrong!”

The tiny dog barked. It sounded like a whelp. Oprah glued herself to Shizuo’s arm much to his distress.

“Shizu-chan, Oprah is all woman! Take the chance! You can be in the family, Tom is sure to approve.”

Shizuo shot him a murderous glare. Ted Allen pressed on.

“So, are you saying that you’re bisexual?”

“That is exactly right.”

Oprah elbowed Izaya and nearly knocked him down.

“Did you just confess? It’s a coming out of the closet event!”

“I always said I was bi, no need to blow it out of proportion.”

Oprah was confused.

“Does this mean you also like the vajajay?”

Tom had no idea how to translate this particular linguistic quirk of his aunt’s and so he did not translate it at all.

“‘Vajajay’?”

“You know what I mean!”

Shizuo caught the weird word that he could not understand.

“Dunno what you yappin’ about , lady, but it sounds freaky so I bet Izaya is into it!”

“Oh! Now I get what you mean. But why use silly names, do you have the intellect of a six year old?”

“Vajajay!”

Oprah’s eyes threatened to pop out of her skull. Shizuo returned to his source of worry.

“If cute girls turn out to be guys does that mean that cute guys turn out to be girls?! Doesn’t make sense! How about that band with the cute singing girls?! Are they guys?!”

“Can be a little bit less vague?”

“The band with the girls! Korean band, I think.”

“Girls’ Generation?”

“That one! Are they guys…?”

“No. No, they’re not. They’re girls.”

Shizuo heaved a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, no way they could be guys. Cuz of the name.”~

“Actually, that doesn’t mean much. Alice Nine is actually a bunch of guys.”

“This is why I like enka, you can always tell if the singers are guys or girls. I don’t like this confusion!”

Izaya wrinkled his nose in disdain.

“And they all sound like dying cats regardless of gender.”

“Don’t you talk trash about enka! That’s true Japanese music.”

“Right…”

Shizuo needed to make up for lost ground so he lashed against Izaya, pointing a finger at him.

“These Americans don’t know shit about enka but you’re supposed to be able to appreciate it! They should take away your passport! You don’t deserve to be Japanese!”

“Oh gee. How about you, not seeing through the VK gender thing disqualifies you as a Japanese citizen.”

“Says who!”

“Me. By the way, are you sure this girl Izaya you see in your dreams isn’t male too? All things considered.”

“Girl Izaya is a girl! She has boobs and, and, and-”

“Vajajay?”

“Don’t know what the fuck that is!”

“Just ask Tom.“

Once again Tom cursed Izaya. Unlike Shingen who translated all things, bonus points for potentially awkward lines, Tom did not like going into weird territory and the last thing he wanted was to have to deal with Shizuo flailing. Fortunately he did not have to worry too much since Shizuo was not paying much attention anyway.

“Girl Izaya is a wonderful woman! She’s not a dude! You’re a dude!”

“Wow, did you find that out all by yourself? I am impressed!”

Izaya skipped on stage all happily. He had forgotten all about the Fab Five but they had not forgotten him.

“So, you’re part of the LGBT community?”

“I am Orihara Izaya, a party of one.”

“He ain’t got friends because he’s nasty.”

Izaya batted his eyelashes and softened his voice.

“I’m Girl-Izaya and I’m so adorable, don’t you just looooove me?”

Tom had to laugh.

“It’s not funny! And where is the bald man, he was supposed to help me deal with Kasuka!”

And as if on cue Dr. Phil appeared and walked to the sofas amidst cheers. Izaya noticed that the crowd cheered considerably more when Oprah made her grand appearance.

“M’kay, we got Kasuka on the line. He’s got a few things to tell you.”

Indeed, a large screen popped out of nowhere and sure enough Kasuka was on it.

“Kasuka!”

“Nii-chan, Izaya-san, hello. I hope you’re having fun overseas.”

“Sucks being here with this here flea.”

“Hi there, Kasuka. Great to see that you remain a reasonable person, unlike your idiot brother.”

“I just wanted to tell you that it is about time you stop beating around the bush and get to it.”

Shizuo gasped.

“Get to it…?”

“You are obsessed with Izaya-san, it is all you talk about.”

“That’s not true, it’s just that he’s always getting me into trouble. Why are you taking his side, you’re my little brother…lady, will you go away already?!”

Oprah had latched to Shizuo again like a clam to a rock.

“Miss Oprah, don’t scare nii-chan. He is a gentle soul down deep and easily emotionally scarred.”

Izaya chuckled as Shizuo turned a shade of beetroot red. Dr. Phil leaned dangerously on his perch.

“Now, had you ever heard about this ‘girl Izaya’?”

“I didn’t know about the girl part but I’ve heard nii-chan call out Izaya’s name in his sleep more than once.”

Judging by the smug look on Dr. Phil’s face this was no surprising revelation to him. It made Izaya wonder just how much the good doctor had talked to their relatives and acquaintances. And how much they had told him.

“It’s not like that! Of course I have nightmares with Izaya, he haunts my dreams! It’s not that kind of dream!”

“Nii-chan, I see everything and I know all about you. I can tell what kind of dream it was by the way you were moaning ‘Izaya-kun’.”

“Then, then- it must have been girl Izaya!”

“I heard nothing about any girl, just ‘Izaya-kun’. That is why I think you should just get it on instead of acting so clueless.”

Izaya turned to Shizuo.

“Do you ‘-kun’ the porn female version of me? Now that is strange.”

“Er, it’s a habit of mine…if Izaya is involved then it’s got to be ‘-kun’.”

Dr. Phil had something to add to this conversation.

“I thought girl Izaya wasn’t actually Izaya. So which is it? Huh? Huh?”

“Huh?”

Izaya echoed.

“All that I’ve got to say is that I’m not involved in this. _I_ never had any Shizu-chan themed dreams, fortunately.”

“So you don’t want to rape nii-chan?”

“No. No, I don’t.”

“I see. I think that you’re a good match, nii-chan is really a sweet heart and a good contrast to your snarkiness.”

Dr. Phil nodded.

“You shouldn’t act like a matchmaker, this is Izaya…you know I hate him!”

“Yes and I also know you lust after him.”

Shizuo choked. Normally Izaya would gloat but by now he knew it would backfire.

“I like girl Izaya, she isn’t Izaya…”

“Nii-chan, Izaya is Izaya.”

The tautology was impressive.

“But, but- tell him it isn’t like that!”

“Kasuka-kun,”

“Use bloody ‘-san’ when addressing my little brother!”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“Kasuka- _sama_ ,”

“And now you’re making fun of him!”

Yet Kasuka was absolutely cool as a cucumber.

"Okay fine. Kasuka-san, there seems to have a misunderstanding here. Your brother is a bit on the dense side and so he ends up digging his own grave more often than not. In reality I have no doubts as to his absolute heterosexuality. Shizu-chan is a silly straight man with a bearish attitude.”

Kasuka nodded.

“But this only works to my advantage. If you don’t fancy nii-chan and you are single then that means I have a chance.”

Shizuo’s brain imploded at this point. And Izaya’s halted for a split second.

“No way, no way in hell! I won’t admit it! OVER MY DEAD BODY!”

Izaya blinked. And blinked again.

“Er, I didn’t know you had such inclinations…”

“I like cute people and it is difficult to find anyone as cute as me. Izaya-san just so happens to fit the bill.”

Something went off in Shizuo’s already taxed mind. Part of it was stress, part of it was an misdirected case of brotherly devotion.

“I’d rather date Izaya instead!”

Dr. Phil zeroed in on this as Izaya face-palmed.

“Hmm…now that’s mighty interesting. Mighty interesting indeed! M’kay!”

“I won’t let you turn my little brother into a gay degenerate!”

“Trust me on this, I have no intention of even attempting such a thing.”

Oprah did not like being ignored so she saw fit to get people to notice her.

“What about vajajay? Do you like vajajay?”

No one paid any attention. But her grating voice reminded Shizuo of a pet peeve that was becoming hateful to him.

“You Americans brought the gay with your black ships! We shouldn’t have let you in!”

“Shizu-chan, did you ever pick up a history book in your whole life?”

“That guy, Berry. I know about him.”

“Clearly not enough to get the name right. It’s ‘Perry’ not ‘Berry’.”

“Berry, Merry, Perry, Cherry, I don’t give a fuck what his name is! Him and the rest of them Americans brought the gay!”

“You do realize that homosexuality was actually prevalent in some circles in Japan back in the day?”

“You’re making that up to justify all the gayness in Shinjuku, right where you live!”

“…Shinjuku did not even exist back then.”

Dr. Phil did another of his gravity defying turns.

“What’s this talk about Shinjuku?”

“Shizu-chan is talking about the gay district in Shinjuku, it’s Tokyo’s biggest-”

“That’s right, right where he lives!”

“-and conveniently ignoring how big a place Shinjuku is. For your information my apartment isn’t even close to the gay district. If you had half a brain you’d realized that by now not to mention you’ve actually been there. Do you really think I could run an information agency from a gay district? Are you that stupid? My office has to be in a respectable part of town otherwise my clients wouldn’t go there for fear of being suspected.”

“Nii-chan what were you doing in Izaya-san’s house?”

“Er, that was- I mean, I went there to give him fair warning not to go to my turf.”

“There are telephones for that.”

Shizuo spluttered.

“Yeah but he wouldn’t listen without me putting some brawn into it. Got to show him who is boss or he’ll walk over me.”

“Wearing black stilettos?”

“Say what?”

Izaya laughed.

“I like the mental picture, Kasuka!”

“Izaya-san seems to be very S.”

Shizuo blinked as did Dr. Phil who did not quite understand the translation. By now   
Tom had regretted ever agreeing to participating in his aunt’s show, he left ‘S’ non-translated. 

“Dunno what that is but Izaya is a man slut! He wears weird furry undies to sleep!”

Tom truly wished he did not have to translate this.

“Black underwear with a fur trim? I wear that myself.”

“Kasuka! How could you!”

Shizuo was so mortified it was amusing. And even more so as Kasuka produced a specimen of said underwear. Oprah made shocked noises.

“That’s the thong version. How risqué of your little brother!”

Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the jacket and proceeded to shake him as he was wont to do.

“You are dead! So dead!”

“Why- so- violent-”

“Nii-chan, stop roughing up Izaya-san or I will stare at you.”

“No need for that, Kasuka...I’m just worried, don’t want my little brother involved with Izaya.”

Shizuo let go of Izaya. Kasuka nodded and added in his softest tone, which was very soft indeed.

“Because you want Izaya-san for yourself.”

Before Shizuo could spring a passionate protest Dr. Phil intervened and muted Shizuo’s microphone.

“M’kay, these two have spent too long in New York. Join us next week as they travel through the heartland of America on their caravan. Your next stop is Kentucky.”

“No way! I want to stay in New York, what’s there to see in Kentucky?!”

Izaya’s shock was great.

“Plenty of things.”

“Like what?”

“Many things, m’kay. Trust me on this.”

“You can’t even name one!”

“Izaya-san, there is Kentucky Fried Chicken. I am sure you can eat it without getting fat.”

“Oh curses.”

Dr. Phil piped,

“And Kasuka will be joining us weekly. Stay tuned!”

“Weekly?! Just how long are we supposed to stay on this show-”

And just like this the show came to an end, Oprah having no saying in it.


	4. Chapter 4

As Izaya and Shizuo returned to the caravan to have another grand brawl of epic proportions Dr. Phil had a little chat with Kasuka via teleconference.

“You got some skills, your plan worked. I’ve been working on these two for a while now but you got your brother to actually propose to date Izaya.”

“Yes and from now on I will keep doing my best to get nii-chan and Izaya-san together.”

“You got an agenda, don’t you?”

“I don’t confirm or deny anything. Do not push the matter or I will stare at you.”

“By golly, don’t.”

Dr. Phil had only heard of this infamous stare but he knew when someone was more than he could handle. Izaya would qualify is not for having a chip on his shoulder, Kasuka had no weak points.

*

“This is how it’s going to go down, Shizu-chan. I’m South Korea, you’re North Korea and this line is Parallel 38. You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine. Got it?”  
Izaya had just designed new room arrangements that included dividing the chamber into two sections, down to actually drawing a line on the floor and all.

“What the hell, why do I have to be North Korea?!”

“Because you are crazy, violent, belligerent, unlikable, untrustworthy-”

“Fuck that! And how come you keep the bed?”

Izaya folded his arms. He had indeed made it so that the bed was firmly planted on his side of the room, leaving Shizuo to bunk down in a corner.

“I cannot be expected to sleep on the floor all the way to Kentucky.”

“What, and I can?! It’ll be real uncomfortable!”

“Sucks being you, then. You have plenty of muscle to cushion you. I don’t.”

“That’s what you get for being all skinny!”

“It is called ‘lithe’.”

“Skinny is skinny, don’t go calling it weird names.”

“‘Lithe’”.

“Skinny!”

“‘Lithe’”.

“Skinny!”

“’Lithe’”.

“SKINNY! SKINNY IS FUCKING SKINNY AND THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! PUT SOME MEAT ON YOUR BONES!”

“Go to Pyongyang and stay there.”

There was more screaming and wild gesticulating. It was going to be a very long trip.

*

“I hate this,”

Izaya said.

“I love it here.”

Shizuo said. If there was ever an example of how different they were this was it. Along with Tom they were on the riverbank in what Izaya would qualify as the middle of nowhere. Shizuo had sat down and was happily bathing his feet in the stream and taking in the lush landscape. Izaya sat with his arms folded and a look of discontent that matched Shizuo’s happiness in intensity. Tom was a bit removed and wondering just how his aunt had talked him into joining this crazy ride.

“What’s there to love? There’s nothing here!”

“Shut up, you’re scaring away the fishies.”

Izaya rolled his eyes and turned his back with a flourish.

“Fine. I’m out of here, there should be a town or something like that somewhere.”

But Izaya did not get very far. Before he was out of sight his path was obstructed by a bear. He immediately froze out of sheer panic. Izaya could do nothing, not even scream for help and just as he was sure he was about to be mauled to death the bear went flying out of the picture. It took Izaya a split second to realize what had happened.

“Stupid bear, scaring off the fish.”

“Eh, Shizu-chan? Did you just punch the bear?!”

“Yeah.”

“Just how crazy strong are you?!”

“Dunno. And why do you have to be South Korea,”

“Never mind that now.”

Tom tiptoed closer.

“Shizuo, glad to see you doing the right thing and saving Orihara-san-”

Shizuo flailed greatly, blushing to a deep shade of crimson.

“Saving?! No one was saving him, I just wanted to get rid of the bear! It’s not like I like Izaya or anything! I’d be happy if a bear killed him!”

Izaya face-palmed.

“What, so now you’re all _tsundere_? What’s that all about?”

“You take that back! And you’re North Korea, I’m South Korea.”

Tom was confused.

“Korea…? What are you guys talking about?”

But both Izaya and Shizuo ignored him completely.

“You’re North Korea through and through. I bet you have hidden nuclear arsenal.”

“Oh yeah?! Just where would I hide it!”

“Your pants.”

“My pants aren’t nuclear! You fucking flea!”

“Inside your pants. I always suspected you give people cancer.”

Normally Izaya tended to make sense even when throwing insults at Shizuo but being in the countryside unnerved him considerably. There were wild animals about, it was too bright and Izaya did not appreciate having something of a debt of gratitude toward Shizuo.

“You’re the one that gives cancer to people! Just by looking at them! And, and, and,”

“’And’?”

“I’m getting to it! Don’t you rush me! And you got cooties!”

“Gee, how mature of you. North Korea.”

“I ain’t North Korea!”

“Nuclear rapist North Korea.”

“Who’d want to rape you! And get your cooties! Flea cooties!”

“You wouldn’t get anyone to give you the time of day even if you were the only man alive on the planet. Humanity would rather perish.”

“I fucking told you not to use words I don’t understand!”

“Fine, ‘go back to your Great Leader’, can you copy that?”

Just as they were reaching a fever pitch a local emerged from the bushes, bible in hand, and wailing,

“Have you heard about JESUS?”

Tom was still reeling from this unpleasant surprise and Shizuo still blinking at the weird newcomer but Izaya was not at all phased.

“Me no speak English.”

“Orihara-san….?”

“No English. Love Jesus! Friend, hates Jesus.”

And of course Izaya pointed at Shizuo.

“What is the flea saying now! And who’s this guy?”

“I am John Craig the third, preacher of this here church. We’re reaching out to the lost. 

My fellow, it is great that you have accepted Jesus as your lord and savior but don’t go sneaking into our borders like that, we don’t need no Mexican aliens.”  
Tom knew that it was up to him to clear up the odd misunderstanding and he did not even want to know why Izaya was trying to pass as Christian. Either way Izaya was also pretending not to speak English, just enough to put Shizuo in a tight spot.

“We’re Japanese and we’re not here illegally.”

“It no matter where you’re from, y’all need Jesus! Jesus saves! SAVES!”

“My friend he POSSESSED!”

And Izaya gasped dramatically, too dramatically. Clearly his ‘I no English’ act needed some concessions. For now he opted to dropping the verbs.

“Tom, what’s he babbling about? And who is the fellow?”

“POSSESSED you say? You gotta take you to my church, we’re doing a special exorcism workshop.”

Tom did not at all want to translate.

“Me help!”  
And with this Izaya snatched the bible from the crazy preacher’s grip and used it to bang on Shizuo’s head, repeatedly.

“The fuck! Get away!”

Tom supposed that this was bible thumping, the literal version.

“He also North Korea.”

The preacher perked up at this.

“Can’t be having no North Korea in this country! This is America, it is GOD’S country!”

There was a limit to how in character Izaya could be and his troll ways now get the best of him as he burst out laughing.

“It’s like Children of the Corn, I can’t believe people like this actually exist in real life!”

“Stop hitting me already!”

Shizuo grabbed Izaya by the jacket lapels and without further ado tossed him into the stream. Izaya caused a big splash and fumed as he scrambled back to his feet, stumbling on the reeds and falling in the water a few times.

“You! You just ruined my jacket!”

The preacher was not about to be ignored any longer and produced a shotgun topped by a cross on the barrel.

“I’m gonna shoot you in the name of JESUS! Dyed in the blood of the lamb!”

Shizuo snapped the shotgun in two and tossed it aside.

“Violence is wrong! And you, stay where you are and enjoy nature!”

This last bit was aimed at Izaya who was still trying to plod his way out of the stream with little success. The soaked jacket slowed him down and Tom could not help thinking that the wet fur gave Izaya the look of an angry kitten left out in the rain.

“I’ll kill you! Got that, Shizu-chan! I’ll kill you!”

Izaya did not sound even remotely impressive. The preacher broke down wailing as he cradled the broken shotgun.

“Aha, who is North Korea now, huh?! HUH?! With your threats and threatening! That’s what North Korea does!”

Tom retreated behind a tree.

“You signed your death sentence when you went for my jacket!”

Apparently Izaya was more upset over his jacket than anything else.

“Fuck you and your jacket! What you doing?! Don’t go getting naked!”

Izaya had removed the jacket and was struggling with the current anew.

“I’m trying to salvage it. You will pay for this. I am suing you!”

“It’s payback! Last time I got my clothes drenched because of you!”

“Oh shut up, that was your fault for not knocking.”

Izaya tripped and the undertow carried him downstream.

“Help!”

“Where you think you’re going! I ain’t done with you!”

“…! Shut the hell up and help me!”

Shizuo blinked a few times and then chased him downstream.

“You deserve to drown!”

“My jacket!”

Shizuo fished him out of the water but the famous jacket disappeared down a bend.

“You, with the wet clothes, they get all glued to you…shows what kind of person you are!”

“I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean but more importantly, my jacket is gone!”

Shizuo shook him, getting some drops of water on himself as a result.

“Jacket, jacket, jacket, jacket, that’s all you talk about! You and your stupid jacket! It’s like you like that jacket more than you like me!”

“Say what?”

Shizuo blushed and finally let go of him.

“I mean, er, North Korea!”

It came as no surprise that the bank of reeds on which Izaya had tripped turned out to be Dr. Phil himself wearing scuba diving gear. He now emerged and removed the mask.

“M’kay, you boys are getting mighty friendly. All good.”

Izaya sneezed.

“Go to hell, fatso.”

Tom approached carefully.

“Is everything Okay?”

“No, everything is not Okay! Take your blonde pal, atchoo- gah.”

Izaya shivered and looked absolutely miserably. Too much to even notice that Dr. Phil looked very much like a bloated toad at the moment.

*

As a result of this adventure Izaya ended up catching a nasty cold. He retired to bed where he buried himself under the covers shivering miserably and cursing his luck.

“You should eat something…”

Izaya groaned and pulled a blanket over his head.

“Gah…can’t eat anything except for miso soup.”

“There ain’t no miso soup around here.”

Shizuo had dragged Tom from house to house asking for ingredients to make miso soup but to avail, in the heart of Kentucky such delicacies were nowhere to be found. Tom did not expect Shizuo to be so concerned but Shizuo felt guilty since he had been the one to toss Izaya into the river in the first place. And of course the camera crew followed.

“Hate this country, hate everything.”

Sickness made Izaya very petty and childish. He attributed being sick both to America and to Shizuo in equal doses.

“I got you some chicken soup, it’s good too.”

“Don’t want it.”

Izaya furrowed deeply in bed, making a barrier of pillows between himself and Shizuo. Even pillows felt heavy.

“You got to eat or you’ll get sicker.”

“Just go away.”

Izaya rolled on his back and Shizuo was alarmed.

“You don’t look too good, I think you got a fever.”

“Whatever- what do you think you’re doing?!”

Shizuo was placing his lips on Izaya’s forehead, ignoring all complaints.

“Like I thought, you’ve got a fever. That’s it, you’re eating your soup now.”

Izaya complained weakly as Shizuo propped him up.

“I said I don’t want to,”

“There, here comes a spoon. Open wide.”

“Did you just lose your mind?”

“Like this ‘ah’.”

Izaya was so surprised that he obeyed and ended up swallowing a spoonful. Shizuo fed him as if he did this on a daily basis.

“Oh god, there was poison on this, wasn’t there?”

“Nah. It’s all good.”

To prove a point Shizuo had a spoon himself. Izaya chuckled.

“It’s an indirect kiss! And that doesn’t prove anything, I bet you’re immune to poison since you’re so beastly.”

“If you can act all snarky then you can eat.”

Just then Tom walked into the bedroom, saw Shizuo with a spoon ready for Izaya and turned around to leave.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“It’s not like that!”

But Tom was already gone despite Shizuo’s protests. Izaya burst out laughing.

“Oh, Shizu-chan, the look on your face! Priceless!”

“He’ll get the wrong idea and then tell that big eyed aunt of his and then everyone will know and it’ll be on TV!”

“The wrong idea or maybe it’s the right idea. At this point I’m no longer sure.”

Shizuo flailed greatly.

“You- I ain’t gay, totally not, it’s not like I want to do that kind of stuff!”

“Right…gah, headache.”

“You better rest.”

“Cold…need more blankets.”

“These are all the blankies.”

Izaya groaned anew.

“Why me, I’m sick in the middle of nowhere and on top of everything I am stuck to you. And I lost my jacket!”

“Don’t you have more jackets,”

“It’s not the same, that one was special.”

Shizuo scratched his head awkwardly.

“Sorry…I’ll go warm you some milk, it’s real good.”

“Gah…”

Shizuo tested the milk’s temperature with a finger before letting Izaya drink it.

“You get sick cuz you got no meat on your bones, I’ve said it more than once, you’re skinny. The cold gets to you more. Sucks.”

“Oh yes, it most definitely sucks being me now.”

“What you got to do is eat to become stronger.”

“Like you care. You’d be better off if I died.”

Izaya was at his most sullen.

“Don’t get me wrong! I’m fine with you dying! I just don’t want you to die when I’m around, they’d blame me and it’d be bad. But it’s not like I like you! I totally don’t like you!”

Izaya actually chuckled.

“You have got to stop saying that. The more you put it like that, the more it comes across as if you ‘like me’ quite a lot.”

“No way, you think…?”

“Yes. Yes, I think. As would anyone. It’s just the way it goes.”

“Man, that’s not good…what do you think Tom-san thinks?”

“No clue. But it seems he’s joined this crazy caravan so it’s not just the two of us anymore.”

“Yeah…”

“I know! We’ll bring him over to our side!”

Izaya bounced in bed as if suddenly cured.

“Our side? We got a side?”

“Yes, we do. If we can get Tom-san to convince Dr. Phil and co. that there is nothing going on between us then we are off the hook.”

“That’s a great idea, you really are smart.”

Shizuo convinced Tom to join them but it was obvious he would rather be anywhere but here. Izaya had changed into a kimono and looked quite feverish but all the more menacing for that. Tom thought of a yakuza lord, the pillows his faithful attendants and   
Shizuo as something of the right hand man.

“Tom-san, welcome. We wish to correct a certain misunderstanding. Shizu-chan and I are not involved in a sexual way and we believe that you can set it right. It would mean so much to us and especially to Shizu-chan here, he would forgive you for telling about that dream.”

By now Tom knew that the dream issue would come back to haunt him no matter what he did.

“Yeah that was not cool. That kind of stuff is private.”

“So, Orihara-san, just what am I supposed to do?”

Izaya lit up.

“Simple. No matter what happens or what you see and hear- or think you saw and heard- you’ll say nothing about it. And if asked you’ll tell about how Shizu-chan and I most definitely do not engage in sexual activity. Neh?”

Tom was more worried than ever. The yakuza boss analogy was not completely off, Izaya worked closely with such people and he had picked up some of their habits. Tom feared that his final destination might be the bottom of Tokyo Bay. Much more so since Shizuo held a grudge and as such would probably approve.

“Okay…I didn’t think you guys did that, anyway.”

And now he was sure they did. But Izaya was not too troubled, he needed to invest in damage control first and foremost and if that meant convincing a person that the status of their relationship was of that sort in order to keep millions from thinking the same then so be it. It was about priorities.

Shizuo nodded grimly. Then he blew on some newly heated milk and tested it with a finger anew.

“You can drink it now.”

Izaya was in a trollish mood so he took it to himself to suck on the milk soaked finger.

“What the!”

Tom made a hasty exit and made sure he settled for the other end of the caravan, as far away from the bedroom as possible.

“You crazy flea…!”

But Shizuo sounded more dazed than anything else. Izaya giggled and flung himself on top of a big pillow as if suddenly drained of energy. The kimono swept open to show plenty of leg.

“Sick…and why is it so cold.”

Izaya made a very weak attempt at pulling up the blankets but gave up with a sigh. Shizuo did it for him and then helped him sit.

“Finish your milk.”

“Do I have to-”

“Finish your milk, damn you!”

Izaya had no other choice but to obey. Being sick made him careless and he tossed aside the covers, rolling on his back, kimono coming undone.

“Too hot…”

“First it’s cold, then it’s too hot, will you make up your mind already!”

“Stop shouting, you’re giving me a headache.”

“What do you when you get sick?”

“I cure everything with miso soup and sex.”

Shizuo started.

“There’s no miso soup around…!”

“And no sex either.”

Izaya’s eyes were closed so he did not see Shizuo blushing.

“What kind of a person uses sex for that, hot milk cures. And rice porridge.”

“Rice porridge…nice…and milk…hmm, milk…”

Shizuo did not care for Izaya’s dreamy tone. Apparently his lucid reasoning skills had been exhausted by his negotiation with Tom.

“Hey, are you getting worse or something?”

Shizuo got very close to compare Izaya’s temperature to his own. Izaya laced his hands at the back of Shizuo’s neck and took Shizuo completely by surprise by kissing him on the lips. Shizuo froze on the spot.

“It’s got be sex to cure me, Shizu-chan~”

“What! The! I don’t even!”

“Shi-zu-chan, we can’t win…so we might as well go ahead and do it. Neh?”

Shizuo was pretty certain that the fever was clouding Izaya’s mind more than a bit. At the same time he could not deny the stirring below the waist at the proposal.

“‘Neh’ my ass!”

“But there’s no miso soup…”

“Confound you and miso soup!”

Izaya half shrugged and then undid the obi and slid out of the kimono. Shizuo nearly passed out.

“Gotta get laid, only way to go.”

“You- tease!”

Izaya wiggled his ass in the air.

“You know you want to do it…”

“Keep your boxers on!”

But Izaya had already tossed these off and was happily rolling in naked glory.

“Whee…!”

“What the hell is that even supposed to mean!”

With startling quick gestures Izaya sat up and proceeded to unbutton Shizuo’s famous vest.

“It means I need some sexing.”

Shizuo tried to push Izaya aside but it was difficult. Partially because Izaya’s fingers were very nimble but mostly because naked Izaya was quite a sight.

“I ain’t gay…”

Shizuo sounded bashful more than angry and he was making an effort not to look at Izaya who was now crossing his long legs and getting working on yanking the shirt from Shizuo’s pants.

“Just imagine I’m girl Izaya. Neh?”

“Don’t go sounding all cute,”

Izaya moved to unzip and pull down said pants, humming happily. Shizuo was pretty sure that the fever was to blame for the sudden change in behavior but the fact remained that Izaya was sexy. Shizuo made a final effort by looking away (and it can argued why such a strong man could not simply disentangle himself from Izaya) but Izaya had already worked his way into Shizuo’s underwear.

“Shizu-chan…you better deliver, size is great and all but it’s not all there is to it. Don’t   
go thinking you’re a sex god just because you’re well hung.”

Shizuo opened his mouth to protest but ended up gasping instead as Izaya made him fully hard with a few expert strokes.

“You! Oh hell.”

And with this unarticulated pronouncement Shizuo gave up altogether and let go of his dwindling sanity. He pushed Izaya flat on his back and pinned him down to bed.

“Oh, look at that! Shizu-chan is all ready, whee-”

“Shut the hell up.”

Underneath him Izaya squirmed a bit.

“Give me some space here.”

“Huh?”

Puzzled and horny, Shizuo did step back.

“Always so stupid, honestly.”

Izaya spread himself on the sheets.

“Fucking flea,”

“Do you need some tips?”

Truth be told tips would be greatly appreciated but of course Shizuo was not about to ask for any. Besides, he got the gist of it well enough. He parted Izaya’s thighs and in one deep thrust buried his hard length all the way. For a few seconds he could do nothing but gasp at the heated tightness that engulfed him. It was as if he was caught in a spell of sorts.

“Oy, move!”

“Izaya…? Oh, right.”

“Who else would it be? Move!”

Shizuo realized that bossy Izaya was even hotter than the helpless versions of female Izaya he had seen in dreams. Izaya’s strident command brought Shizuo back to reality, the strange and hormone clouded reality, a reality in which he was somehow having sex with Izaya. And it was not precisely as Shizuo envisioned. For Izaya did not just lie still and let Shizuo do this thing, each time he rammed into him Izaya arched his back with an agility that bespoke of a lot of experience. Izaya’s body gleamed with a thin layer of sweat that delineated his smooth lines and even in the blur of Shizuo’s vision it still stood out, down to the detail of pre-cum oozing from the tip of Izaya’s erection.

“Shit, so hot-”

Izaya clawed at him hard enough to draw blood in any other man, Shizuo barely registered. All he knew was that Izaya was tensing all around him and that Izaya’s unbroken moan was his cue to pick up speed. Shizuo’s motion became piston-like and he saw stars bursting as he tided over. He shot his load into tightening heat, his climax consuming him completely.

Shizuo barely noticed Izaya’s release splashing him all over and it was regretfully that he pulled out. It was with something like embarrassed pride that he saw the thread of semen seeping out of Izaya’s pert buttocks.

“Don’t go complaining to me later, oy, Izaya?”

But Izaya was already fast asleep.

*

“Shizu-chan? Care to tell me what happened?”

Shizuo rubbed his eyes to make himself wake up but as soon as his eyes unglued he started. Izaya had a murderous look that Shizuo did not care for. It was actually scary.

“You know how it goes…”

“No, no I don’t. What I do know is that I hurt in places I should not and what exactly is that supposed to be?”

“Oh, that is milk. Spilled some in bed.”

Apparently Izay’s fever had an effect on his memory.

“Ah, I see. Thought it was something else- as if! Do you expect me to believe that it’s milk?!”

“Crazy American cows.”

Izaya’s eyebrows twitched.

“Are you retarded?”

“American cows are different! Their milk is different!”

“I’ve seen semen on sheets plenty of times, it’s plain to see that’s what it is.”

“Aha! But have you ever seen milk in bed?”

“Well, no as I am not a freak-”

“Then you can’t tell for sure it ain’t milk! That’s how American milk looks like, dunno maybe aliens messed up the cows.”

“Oh really? Care to tell me why there’s ‘milk’ in parts of my anatomy?”

Shizuo shuffled.

“That is, you know…that.”

“‘That’?”

“Magic.”

Izaya face-palmed.

“I don’t know what is worse, that you raped me-”

“Rape?! The fuck!”

“Or that you think I am stupid enough to mistake semen for milk!”

“What rape! You begged me to do you!”

Izaya’s eyes flashed dangerously.

“Heiwajima Shizuo, what happens in your dreams stays in your dreams. You took advantage of the fact that I was sick to sexually assault me. You’re the lowest kind of human there is.”

Shizuo’s jaw came undone. He suspected that the full name meant trouble.

“It’s all your fault! You were all, ‘no miso soup, gotta fuck, whee’!”

“That doesn’t make any sense. And frankly I find it preposterous that you would try to cover your tracks with idiotic fabrications.”

“It’s true! Not my fault you get all horny when you have a fever!”

“I was obviously delirious and you took advantage of it. It’s beyond despicable.”

This killed Shizuo’s rage and brought back his embarrassment and guilt.

“Sorry…do you feel better, at least?”

Izaya folded his arms and looked most judicious.

“Let me see, my fever is gone but I now I hurt all over and can’t even move properly. In short, I’m in a world of pain all thanks to _you_.”

“Sorry…”

Izaya’s voice suddenly became very soft. It could only mean trouble.

“Shizu-chan, like the evil rapist you are you didn’t use any lube, did you?”

“I said I was sorry…I forgot…”

“Is there a phone around here?”

Shizuo relaxed, it seemed Izaya had moved to another topic.

“Dunno, you want to call your sisters? I think it’s real late in Japan now. Or early, not sure.”

“Don’t worry, it’s a local call I have in mind. Namely the police.”

“The police?! What for!”

“Pressing charges on you for rape.”

Shizuo jumped to his feet.

“You can’t do that!”

“Oh yes I can.”

“But, but, but, it wasn’t rape! Besides, it cured you! Look at all the cum around, that’s   
all yours!”

Izaya bristled.

“My, I thought it was milk?”

“Fine, so it ain’t milk! Doesn’t make it rape!”

“And where is your stuff, I wonder? No wait, I can answer that! You couldn’t even   
bother with a condom!”

“I forgot! I wasn’t thinking straight!”

“It’s okay.”

Shizuo was suspicious and with good reason.

“It is…?”

“Of course. I am sure you will have plenty of time to reflect on your wrongdoing as you rot in your jail cell.”

“Again with that!”

“They should let you out in about 20 years or something.”

“20 years?! Look, you don’t want to sue me! You’d lose your street cred!”

Shizuo actually had a point here but Izaya was not about to let him off the hook easily.

“It’s well worth it. You awful rapist. This is most definitely an invasion from North Korea.”

Shizuo was not expecting Izaya to return to this theme.

“Er, I’m sure I can make it up to you somehow…”

“Hmm…this is how it’s going to go down, Shizu-chan. I won’t sue you,”

“Thank heavens!”

“But given how wounded I am you’ll be bringing my meals to bed and helping me getting around the caravan.”

“Oh, sure.”

It sounded pretty good, all things considered.

“And when I am finally back on my feet you’ll let me stomp on your back in the middle of Ikebukuro.”

“The hell I will!”

Tears brimmed on Izaya’s eyes.

“You’re so horrible, all I ask is for some retribution after I was brutally raped and you won’t even agree to it, I feel so humiliated.”

“Okay, okay, you can stomp on me. Just don’t cry! Tell you what, I’ll go run you a nice bath, it’ll make you feel much better.”

And with this Shizuo stormed out of the room. As soon as he was gone Izaya’s wiped his tears- it was so easy to trick idiots- and smiled smugly. Needless to say he was not at all disabled but it was worth putting on an act. And it served Shizuo right.


	5. Chapter 5

Tom had always believed that the best way of solving the Shizuo/Izaya conflict was to have both parties ignore each other. Ironically many geopolitical experts believed that it was also the solution to the North Korea/South Korea issue.

With that said, now that Izaya was doing just that and Shizuo was equally silent, Tom was not at all happy. There was the fact that he was stuck in the middle of a situation he would rather not have anything to do with (in the middle of dinner, in fact) and there was also the fact that while Izaya gave Shizuo the silent treatment without as much as batting and eyelash Shizuo was half sinking in his seat.

There was only the sound of Izaya's fork and knife. Tom could not stand it any longer, this weird tension might be worse than any row.

“Good thing it isn't fried chicken, right, Shizuo? You like steak.”

Shizuo nodded but did not even lift his eyes from said steak. He was the very image of gloom. Izaya sat enthroned in a plush sofa that Shizuo had carried for him all the way from the other end of the caravan. Tom had no idea why and he was not about to ask.

“Want me to get you some milk?”

Izaya's fork scratched his plate with a nerve jarring noise while Shizuo mumbled something and blushed. Tom was more confused than ever. No matter how he looked at it, Shizuo and Izaya were behaving like an estranged couple. Tom decided to change tactics.

“Izaya-san, I'm glad you're feeling better now.”

Tom was sure that this was a safe topic and Izaya could be a reasonable person. Izaya glared in Shizuo's direction without establishing eye contact. Shizuo shuffled awkwardly. Finally Izaya broke the silence in the tersest of terms.

“I have been better.”

Tom gave up.

*

As soon as the meal was over Dr. Phil popped up on a screen and summoned Shizuo and Izaya to a small room. Tom cursed his luck for he had to join in as the interpreter.

“M'kay, what happened? Huh? Why aren't you guys speaking?”

Izaya shrugged.

“Nothing happened. I just wanted to have some peace and that is best achieved without talking to Shizu-chan. I have nothing to tell him either.”

Dr. Phil leafed through his notes and grunted.

“So that's what you're saying? You too?”

Shizuo nodded. Dr. Phil smiled coldly and seemed to actually become even bigger as he leant forward in his trademark borderline threatening gesture.

“Y'all, I know that ain't true so you can stop the charade right now. Remember how there aren't any cameras or mics in the bedroom? Guess what, there are mics in the corridor. And if you get real loud the mics will pick it up.”

Izaya started. Shizuo gasped rather pathetically. Before any of them could say anything Dr. Phil was playing sound bits of their crazy night of equally crazy sex. Shizuo turned to a shade of chalky white that was far from healthy. Izaya had a moment of sheer panic but gathered himself almost right away.

“Ah, that? I'm afraid you have misunderstood what happened. That was voice acting training. Shizu-chan is applying to a job as a seiyuu in an eroge. So I decided to help out of the kindness of my heart.”

Shizuo was a bit slow to get it.

“I was...? Oh, right! That's right, that's what it was. Yeah.”

“Hmmm...how come you use your real names?”

But Izaya now had a plan.

“The characters are loosely based on ourselves.”

“And why were you 'helping out', huh?”

“Shizu-chan asked me because I have considerably more experience.”

Dr. Phil chuckled knowingly.

“Oh I bet you do. You've been with half of Tokyo. And I gotta say, there's a lot of people in Tokyo.”

Izaya remained nonplussed.

“So what? I do not particularly care for your concept of morality.”

Dr. Phil turned his beady eyes from Izaya to Shizuo, back at Izaya.

“M'kay. If you were 'helping out' then how come you boys aren't on speaking terms?”

“It's cuz, you know...er...I mean...”

“He means that I got so tired of hearing Shizu-chan in that voice acting exercise that I decided I'd be better off not hearing it for a while.”

Dr. Phil waved.

“Kill the cameras. This isn't being filmed now so I'll let you know: I know what really happened. Voice training it wasn't. By the way, there are condoms around, m'kay? They're there to be used.”

It took Shizuo a while to grasp this, not because he was slow but because Tom was so reluctant to translate that he picked his words very carefully. He had managed not to notice what was going on at the time by blasting music on his headphones, only to now be submitted to the soundtrack of what sounded like insane sex. Which was the only kind of sex imaginable between Izaya and Shizuo.

“I forgot the condom-”

Izaya elbowed Shizuo on the side, hard enough to hurt.

“You might not be too familiar with voice acting but in Japan it is quite a big thing. A lot of training is required.”

“You don't have to be so violent!”

Izaya calmly ignored this outburst. Dr. Phil twirled his mustache.

“I got hand it to you, you sure know how to improvise. 'Voice training', huh. Why don't you just come clean and admit that you were doing the horizontal lambada?”

Izaya's winced.

“'Horizontal lambada'? You need to revise your speech patterns.”

Dr. Phil did one of his gravity defying stunts by leaning forward on his high chair.

“What do you want me to call, it? Huh? 'Going at it like rabbits'?”

Once more Tom struggled to translate. Shizuo's blush deepened and he tried to make himself smaller by sinking into the seat. It did not work.

“If you are done with your insinuations, I have things to do.”

Izaya did not actually have anything to do but that was of course beside the point.

“Not so fast. I got good news. You're going to San Francisco next and from there, back to Japan.”

“Yay! Wait, you don't mean to say we'll go to California on this caravan, right?”

“That depends on how well you behave. If you admit you were getting it on then you can take a plane. Keep denying it and it's the caravan for you.”

Izaya sighed.

“I knew it was far too good to be true.”

“Y'all can talk it through and discuss.”

Izaya and Shizuo sought refuge in the bedroom. Izaya was in no mood for talking but   
Shizuo had had enough of the silent treatment and after clearing his throat tried to strike a conversation.

“It just goes to show that I didn't rape no one. You heard how it went, you begged me to do it so you can stop-”

“Shut up.”

“You always act like a-”

But Shizuo never got to finish the sentence because Izaya shoved a sock into his mouth in a most unceremonious way.”

“From now you will keep your voice down. Neh?”

Shizuo nodded and spat out the sock.

“Think I'm gonna be sick...”

“Good. Few things would make me happier.”

“Who gets horny when they have a fever anyway. Talk about weird.”

“It makes perfect sense that my hormonal balance should be upset if my body temperature is to rise.”

“It ain't normal.”

Izaya folded his arms and lifted an eyebrow to indicate how much he despised Shizuo.

“Do you know what 'ain't normal'? That you last around five seconds.”

Before Shizuo protest in all too loud terms Izaya applied the sock anew. Izaya only removed it when Shizuo was beginning to get blue in the face. Shizuo was beyond outraged but strangely enough not at this attack.

“It was more than five seconds,”

“Closer to three.”

“Well I'm sorry! It was my first time, alright! How do you think I feel, my first time was with a guy and the guy is you! It's horrible, horrible.”

Yet somehow Shizuo remembered to keep his voice down.

“Wonderful start, kicking it out with rape. As is to be expected, you behave like an animal.”

Shizuo opened and closed his mouth a few times (and Izaya was tempted to use the sock again) and then sighed heavily.

“This sucks bit time...but you know, if we just admitted it...we wouldn't be in a pinch. I mean,”

“Wonderful, you're turning traitor too. That creepy pseudo doctor has gotten to you. Unbelievable.”

Shizuo glanced sideways at him as if ashamed. Which was.

“You got to admit that he has a point...”

“Oh really? And pray do tell, what point does he have?”

“That we want to do...stuff.”

“ _I_ don't. I just haven't had sex in far too long and my fever made it worse. But that's all there is to it.”

“Why are you complaining I didn't last long enough...”

At this point Izaya did use the sock again and refused to acknowledge Shizuo's existence entirely.

*

Feeling somewhat cornered Izaya cooped himself in the bedroom out of which he only ventured to go to the bathroom and to secure food from the kitchen. Shizuo was relegated to sleep on the floor next to Tom. The days and miles rolled by in a kind of very tense peace.

“Isn't this for the better, Shizuo?”

Tom was doing to do the best cheer up Shizuo but with no success. He did not exactly understand why Shizuo was so gloomy but truth be told it was as if a cloud hovered above him.

“I guess. It's just that I kinda miss talking to Izaya.”

“You do...?”

Shizuo nodded and suddenly jumped to his feet.

“He's gonna become one of those shut-ins! Can't have that.”

And just like that Shizuo barged into the bedroom like a hurricane, all ready to drag Izaya away if need be. As it turned out, it was not needed. Because Izaya was about to raid the kitchen and already standing on the threshold. Shizuo knew that there was the chance he had to give chase (and it did not occur to him that chasing someone in a caravan was not particularly feasible), it was back to their normal routine as far as Shizuo knew. Before Izaya could bolt the caravan came to a sudden halt, so abrupt that he lost his footing and so did Shizuo. As a result Shizuo landed on top of him.

The door slammed open and a solid bulky frame stood blocking the daylight. Shizuo did not even turn to see who the newcomer might be, it had been just a long time since he had been this close to Izaya that Shizuo was a bit taken aback.

“It's me, Rosie O'Donnell! I'm here to help you with your new life now that you're out of the closet.”

Izaya squirmed underneath Shizuo.

“Shizu-chan, you have to the count of three to get off me before you lose an eye or two.”

“It's not like that, I wanted to save you from becoming a shut-in...”

Shizuo scrambled to his feet and tried to help Izaya get up. Izaya swatted his hand and glared emphatically. Both paid no attention whatsoever to Rosie.

“Boys, boys, settle down now. I'm here to help.”

Only now did Shizuo notice her properly.

“Why is there a fat woman here?”

Izaya recognized her right away.

“If it isn't the crazy lady that mocked the Chinese language.”

“That was all in the past. Aren't you the cutest couple!”

Rosie pulled Izaya's cheeks much to his absolute horror. Shizuo frowned.

“Hey, don't go hogging Izaya now.”

She smiled creepily and let go of Izaya.

“Aw, you're jealous! But don't worry, I'm not into guys. Even if this one is a cutie.”

Shizuo was just confused. It was very reluctantly that Tom joined the party and translated since Izaya was not in the mood for doing that himself.

“Lesbians should be hot women not unfunny media people with the appetite of a giant hog with the munchies.”

It was a very stereotypical point of view but Izaya was in the mood for being nasty. Rosie shook her head.

“You need an attitude adjustment. But I am here to help you. We're going on a picnic!”

And she produced a basket. Shizuo was ready to shoot down all suggestions but any excuse to get Izaya to leave the caravan was good.

“Picnic, sounds cool.”

“Suit yourself, I'm staying.”

But truth be told Izaya was very tired of being confined. He just did not want to come across as too eager. Shizuo missed this entirely and without further ado tucked Izaya under his arm and they were all set.

*

They made a very strange group, gathered around the picnic towel under a tree: Rosie stuffing herself with all sorts of delicious food, Izaya grimacing at her but still enjoying the fresh air, Shizuo blinking in amazement at how a person could manage to eat so much and Tom cursing his luck all over again.

“Now, you boys got to realize- pass me that mutton, will you? Must realize that- oh, candy! As I was saying,”

“...are you even human? How can anyone eat like that!”

Izaya could not even imagine what the point of this but at least the sun was shining. He picked up a tiny sandwich that had survived Rosie's hunger and waved it at Shizuo.

“Here, taste try it for me.”

“No way. Why would I do that?”

“It might be poisoned for all I know and it's obvious you're immune to poison.”

“You've been eating all by yourself all along, made you weirder.”

“I just so happen to care what I put into my body. And will you stop blushing like an idiot! What the hell are you, a high school girl?!”

“Just eat the damned thing and stop being a bitch!”

And for once Izaya obeyed. Rosie made some attempts at finishing a sentence but there was too food within sight for her to get around to it. She left with a flurry of very unfunny jokes. So in the end Izaya and Shizuo were left clueless to what the point of what she actually supposed to be doing here. Which could be said of her entire career.


	6. Chapter 6

Izaya's mood brightened up immediately when they reached the next stop.

“Las Vegas! It's Las Vegas! A city, at last!”

“What's so great about it, it's crowded, too much neon, bloody crowded.”

“You said 'crowded' twice.”

Tom had decided somewhere along the way that playing into the craziness was probably the best way of coping with things.

“Crowded place is crowded, as Orihara-san would say.”

Izaya nearly ran down the brightly lit street in between flashy casinos. The night was without darkness.

“Crowded place _is_ crowded! Finally, people! Shiki-san would love it here, so many casinos and a sucker born every minute! He'd make a fortune.”

Shizuo was not sure why it annoyed him to have Izaya mention Shiki. Shizuo told himself that it was because Izaya was already annoying. Caught up in such thoughts Shizuo almost crashed into Izaya who had stopped suddenly.

“Will you look where you're going!”

“Oh....look at that!”

Izaya stared at garish sign advertising a contest.

“Drag queen contest? Figures you'd be into that kind of thing.”

“Look at the prize! I don't care for the makeup but see there, 'life-long supply of tuna'!”

Izaya's eyes gleamed happily.

“You and your fish, bloody annoying. You can enter the competition, then. It's up your alley anyway.”

Izaya lifted an eyebrow.

“What are you talking about? You're the one entering.”

Shizuo was in the process of bringing a cigarette to his lips. He now dropped it.

“Me?! _Me_?!”

“Yes, you.”

“But- why- how- I don't even!”

“It's obvious. I am too pretty to be a drag queen, when I cross-dress,”

“'When'?!”

“I look like a most delicious trap of epic proportions. Bridget got nothing on me.”

“Who's that...?”

“Look around, it's clear my trap look isn't what they're looking for here. They want manly men in weird cabaret outfits. In other words, you.”

Only now did Shizuo notice a crowd of strange guys in feathers, sparkly leotards and pink boas.

“Who cares! No way I'm dressing up like that just because you want some fish!”

“I am willing to share the tuna goodness with you.”

“I don't care about that!”

“What is wrong with you?”

“What is wrong with _me_?! More like, what's wrong with you!”

Izaya put on his most reasonable face.

“Tuna fish is exceptionally tasty and you are always broke, you wouldn't have to worry about a meal ever again. You should be thanking me for this opportunity.”

“The hell I should! So you want me to eat nothing but tuna for the rest of my life?!”

Tom reflected musingly,

“What a strange prize for a drag queen contest. I get the makeup but tuna?”

Unfortunately no one paid any attention to him. Shizuo shook a fist in the air, angrily enough.

“No way I'm doing it! No way! It just ain't gonna happen!”

But Izaya was not the least bothered.

“Ah, I see how it is. You are unsure of your manliness and your poor male ego cannot stand getting dolled up.”

“ _What_?!”

“Hit a soft spot? You have self-confidence issues and do not trust yourself as a man.   
What a pussy.”

“Izaya-KUN!”

Tom was about to retreat to a safe distance but it turned out to be unnecessary. Izaya knew what he was doing.

“You can always prove me wrong by becoming La Shizuka and go out, proudly, to win me some tuna fish.”

“I'll fucking prove you I'm not a pussy! You're on!”

“Wonderful.”

Tom sighed.

*

This was how Shizuo found himself wearing some tight golden jacket of the gleaming sort, a Zebra print skirt, red stockings, fake eyelashes, a pink fluffy boa, strings of plastic pearls, feathers sticking out of a purple wig as he tottered on shiny pumps borrowed from some Lady Gaga video.

Needless to say Shizuo was not a happy boy, to put it mildly, but currently he wasn't angry as much as he was confused and a bit awed. For Izaya had decided to enter the contest well, having realized that it doubled his chances of winning the grand prize.

He had simply put on a little black dress, a matching pair of high heel shoes and stockings. Pink lipstick and a long dark wig completed the look. And just as Izaya had bragged he was nothing short of the perfect trap. Shizuo did not know how to react to it.

“Open up your mouth so I can put on the lipstick. We're going for trashy Asian glam so blood red it is. Tom-san, I don't suppose you want to join and better the odds?”

Tom was trying not to stare too much. He would never be able to look at Orihara the same way ever again. Because Izaya made a very beautiful girl. In fact, Izaya might very well be the most beautiful girl Tom had ever seen thus proving that there is no justice in the world.

“I think I'll pass, sorry.”

Izaya shrugged.

“A pity, really. I'm sure you'd make a good drag queen. You could call yourself 'La Tomasina'. And I _said_ open your mouth.”

Shizuo obeyed without even knowing exactly what was going on. Izaya was too close and Shizuo could now see a thin trim of black fur diagonally arranged on the dress. And as Izaya bent down to pick up eyeliner the wig seemed to highlight the pert ass.

“Just like girl Izaya...!”

“Shut up. I am 'La Kanra'.”

Izaya announced with plenty of pomp.

“'La Kanra'...?”

“La Kanra. It's my stage name.”

“Ah...”

“Tom-san, since you're not becoming La Tomasina you can act as our pit crew. We'll need to change outfits in a jiffy. Also, Shizu-chan: you need a talent to show at the contest. Let's cash in on your stupid strength, I'll get a few fire engines and you can juggle them.”

“Ah...wait, I can't do that!”

“Gee, I thought you were the strongest man alive.”

“I can pick up a fire engine, can't juggle a bunch of them.”

Izaya sighed prettily as if to hint that he carried the weight of the world and still managed to be stylish at it.

“It can't be helped, then.”

“What's your talent going to be?”

“It's a secret.”

*

Somehow Shizuo managed not to bungle the dance routine. Since he did not understand a word of what was being said he just got on with the program without getting too upset. Izaya managed to decorate the fire engine with a lot of glitter, pink plastic flamingos, Japanese lanterns and pagodas. Tom was left to wonder just how many contacts Izaya had.

When it was time for Izaya to take the stage he did so skipping happily. From the backstage area Shizuo mumbled something about 'them hips, it's not right'.

“Hello everyone! I am La Kanra! And tonight La Kanra will be pole dancing for you  
fine gentlemen of Las Vegas!”

Shizuo stumbled on his absurd shoes.

“Did he say, did he say pole dancing?!”

“I'm afraid so...”

And Tom was also looking forward to it. Izaya sauntered to a pole that had been installed just for him and slid out of the dress to stand in glorious lacy black lingerie with garters. Shizuo did fall this time around and struggled back to his feet just as Izaya was swirling around the pole like a pro. He climbed it, bubble ass stuck in the air, rubbing himself in a most suggestive manner. Shizuo was taken aback by the amazing hips all over again.

It was better than girl Izaya. And that was saying a lot. Izaya twirled until he was hanging upside down, his long legs wrapped around the pole invitingly. It was something of a mystery how the wig stayed in place.

Izaya put all of his parkour skill into the sexy routine. And there were plenty of whistles and thunderous applause once he finally climbed down. Izaya spotted a group of Japanese salarymen cheering for him and blew them a kiss.

“Banzai!”

 

Tom thought that Izaya's ancestors were presently rolling on their graves. Shizuo was unable of processing thought at the moment. Izaya returned backstage holding a flower bouquet and smiling smugly.

“That went well. There is hope for the tuna.”

“You- I mean, what the- with the- the, the pole- where did you learn how to do that?!”

Izaya smirked.

“It is none of your business. Now hurry up and get ready for the grand finale.”

This grand finale had all the contestants performing a Cher lip-synch routine and Izaya wore a hot red number. Shizuo followed everyone else in a greater daze than before.

“And the winner is...La Shizuka, the Japanese dynamo!”

But it was Izaya who jumped up when the results were announced.

“Yes! Finally, something good happens. The tuna, the tuna, show me the tuna!”

“You didn't win,”

“I'm with La Shizuka so I won. Now where's the tuna!”

The host unveiled something. Izaya blinked.

“Wait, what's that?”

“It's all the makeup you'll ever need and tuna.”

“Tuna...? Those are cans!”

“Of course they are, this is a life-long supply of canned tuna! A source of non-fattening protein that will keep you FABULOUS without adding a single gram to you GORGEOUS figure.”

“He's talking weird, even I can tell and I don't understand a word of English.”

And Shizuo, in his La Shizuka persona, looked most proud of being ignorant of the English language.

“This is outrageous! How can anyone do this to tuna fish, it's a crime, a crime! Tuna is to be served fresh!”

Izaya was so angry that he relapsed to speaking Japanese very fast and of course the host ignored him to present Shizuo with the amazing bounty of food. Shizuo picked up a can and shook it.

“Yeah, figures you'd throw a fit over this. Cans aren't bad, you know. There's tuna inside.”

“Are you saying I should eat from a can?!”

“No big deal. Won't kill you. We got tuna cans back home, you know.”

At this point Shizuo had decided that he liked girlish Izaya acting like a class one bitch and provoking him was fun, too.

“Listen to me, you idiot. It does not matter the location of the cans, it is the principle behind butchering delicious tuna fish to cram it inside a can! Look at that, the tuna is crammed like people during the rush hour on the Yamanote line!”

“You can still eat it.”

Shizuo was crowned and given a large bouquet of roses that might also be edible.

“There's no way I'm eating it!”

“How can you know it won't taste nice, you never tried it.”

“Same way I know rat poison isn't good!”

“Cans are like, cup ramen. I like cup ramen.”

“No one gives a shit about you!”

This was not even remotely true and La Shizuka had quite a few fans who were cheering as confetti rained from the ceiling.

“I picked up a gay fire engine for you! Dressed up like a cheap slut for you!”

And Tom could not risk half singing,

“Would you catch a grenade for him?”

“Yeah. I mean, no!”

At this point Dr. Phil popped up from the stage like the creepiest jack in the box. It scared Izaya into losing his footing and once more it was up to Shizuo to catch him.

“M'kay, what's this I hear? Huh? About grenades?”

A bit like Shizuo, Dr. Phil bypassed linguistic barriers.

“Stop falling over every little thing! It's that and drowning, what the hell, did you eat the Fall Fall devil fruit or something?!”

With that said Shizuo was still wearing Lady Gaga pumps and catching Izaya upset his balance so that he too fell and Izaya landed on him.

“You boys aren't going to ignore me any longer, m'kay? Translate, Mister Tom. Since Izaya here won't bother.”

Tom thought that 'Mister Tom' was almost as bad as 'La Tomasina'. Translation did not exactly do anything either since Shizuo was too caught up with Izaya scrambling out of his lap. Unfortunately Izaya's heel got caught in Shizuo's skirt so that the more he scrambled the more entangled it became.

Dr. Phil grinned smugly.

“I think you two need a cold shower, m'kay? Save it for the bedroom.”

Tom felt that he should look away, it looked so much like sex with all the squirming and Shizuo getting flustered while Izaya spat curses, but he could not turn his eyes away away. At length Izaya managed to get up by jabbing a knee on Shizuo's groin.

“That fucking HURT!”

“My tuna fish is ruined!”

“You're still going on about the stupid fish?!”

“Tuna is the meat of the sea! The meat of the sea, you hear?”

“What's that supposed to mean?!”

Dr. Phil did the only thing that could get Izaya's attention at the moment. He had a cart stocked with tuna sushi wheeled in front of Izaya.

“Tuna!”

“I thought this would happen, m'kay? So you can have this sushi. No strings attached. 

Only one small thing, you got to feed Shizuo some fish and vice-versa. And you're keeping the drag wear.”

“I'm in, I'm in!”

By the time the translation reached Shizuo Izaya was already eying the food with such relish that Shizuo could not possibly say no.

“ _Itadakimasu~_!”

Izaya beamed as he sat at a low table on which a pyramid of fresh tuna was ready to be eaten. He even rubbed his hands together and seemed about to drool. In his happiness Izaya even forgot all about propriety and sat cross legged in a way that exposed lacy panties to Shizuo.

“I suppose it's good to leave the caravan for a while.”

“So true! It's been ages since I've been to a restaurant, and a Japanese one too!”  
Izaya had already kicked out his high heels and was so happy that he smiled at the paper paneled walls. They were in a private room and Shizuo felt a bit awkward.

“Do you think there are cameras here...?”

“Of course there are. How else would they know that we're following the rules? Speaking of which, you have to feed me. Get to it before I starve.”

“Ah...”

 

Shizuo struggled with the chopsticks. In his drag attire he looked like a clumsy _okama_ serving his first costumer. And Shizuo was indeed nervous, Izaya waiting with his mouth wide open and nearly batting his eyelashes was enough to upset any man.

“Shizu-chan, what on Earth are you doing? Did you forget how to use chopsticks? And you call yourself Japanese!”

“I didn't forget! It's just that, er, the way you look...it's just, you know!”

Izaya sighed.

“Fine, skip the chopsticks and use your fingers then. I must eat. And let us drink! They brought _sake_!”

“Oh no you don't! I don't like drinking and I know how it'd go! You'd get all crazy and   
weird and shit so no drinking.”

“Good point.”

Izaya put the bottle away.

“What are you waiting for, Shizu-chan? The tuna!”

Izaya opened his mouth wide. Shizuo fed him a piece of fish and shuddered as Izaya sucked on his lips to retrieve it.

“You're filthy rich, why were so obsessed about getting the tuna?”

“Food tastes a hundred times better when someone else is paying. Doesn't matter how rich you may be.”

“Really?”

“Really. That's just the way it goes.”

It was Izaya's time to feed Shizuo but he hesitated.

“Hey, I'm supposed to eat as well...”

“I...can't do this, it's like tossing food at Moby Dick! You'll chop my hand off!”

“Why do you always have to be so nasty!”

“I am afraid for my physical integrity. Fine, stick out your tongue, then.”

Shizuo did do and Izaya deposited a piece of tuna with great care on Shizuo's tongue. Shizuo gobbled it down right away.

“Not bad.”

“You are such a savage! That's no way to eat sushi! You have to properly savor it. Here, let me show you.”

Shizuo shuddered anew as Izaya again sucked on his fingers and became considerably uncomfortable as Izaya slowly munched before equally slowly swallowing.

“See? You have to make sure you extract the flavor and appreciate the fleshy texture.   
The fatty bits are the best.”

“Ah...right...”

“Don't go thinking weird things now.”

“I wasn't! I totally wasn't! Anyway, how come you look so cute as a girl?”

Izaya shrugged but he was obviously happy about the compliment.

“I was born beautiful.”

“Ah...I guess that makes sense but it ain't fair that you make a real hot chick as well as a hot guy, I mean, not that I appreciate guys _that_ way but you know what I mean...”

“What can I say, my beauty overcomes gender barriers.”

“How come I won the contest, you're way prettier.”

“I told you, they were angling for a butch look.”

“No wonder you're a, what's it called, a man eater. You lure guys with that body of yours!”

Izaya rolled his eyes dramatically. They continued exchanging fish.

“Oh please. As if I needed to pull a trap card to get myself a man. Don't be absurd, La Shizuka.”

“Don't call me that!”

“La Shizuka is your official name now.”

Shizuo brooded darkly and realized for one that ignoring the provocation was for the best.

“So...you got something under your dress? Like, your hips look very...womanly and stuff.”

“It's the way the dress is fit and cut. This is a hundred per cent La Kanra. And this is _so_ good!”

Izaya pursed his lips after swallowing a juicy slice of tuna. Then he got up and turned around a few times for Shizuo to see the full glory of La Kanra.

“Okay, I got the point already.”

“The truth is that La Kanra is too hot for words and you know it. Oh look, tea. It's just like being home! Except I wouldn't be caught dead having dinner with you back home.”

“More like I wouldn't eat with you!”

Izaya shrugged and then smiled beautifully.

“Only the power of love could bring us together around the same table like this, two sworn enemies and all!”

Shizuo was in the process of chewing, he never got around to swallowing properly because he choked. Then blushed and twiddled his fingers hopelessly.

“Love?! What are you saying, I'm not ready for that just now-”

“Shizu-chan, are you stupid? I mean love for tuna, tuna. What else could I mean?”  
Shizuo relaxed but could not avoid feeling a bit disappointed despite himself.

“Oh, right. You're a freak, it's just fish. Besides, there are other kinds of fish, this is too much tuna.”

Izaya jumped to his feet and rudely pointed his chopsticks at Shizuo.

“Blasphemy! There can never be too much tuna. As for other fish they are subordinate to the wonders of tuna and that is a fact.”

“Ah...”

Shizuo did not listen to the rant, he was too busy looking at Izaya's long legs that seemed endless, Shizuo sitting while Izaya stood above him.

“Back to feeding me.”

“Ah...oh, sure.”

Shizuo shivered as Izaya sucked at Shizuo's fingers.

“So delicious. Joy of joys. Are you chewing it like I told you?”

“Yeah. Tastes better that way.”

“Indeed. Finally, something good comes my way.”

“You traveled half across the world and the thing you like the most is sushi.”

“Better than being smitten by the pretty rivers. As if we didn't have streams in Japan.”

“Yeah but I never get to see any. Cuz I stay in Tokyo all the time.”

“Speaking of seeing new sights, guess what! The casino people are offering La Shizuka a contract for working as a drag queen here in Las Vegas! La Shizuka: the Japanese vixen! Good pay, too. I'd take the offer if I were you.”

Izaya nodded wisely and served Shizuo a particularly juicy slice thus proving that he was a generous person.

“You just want to get rid of me so you can have Ikebukuro all for yourself.”

“No negative talk when tuna is involved.”

And with this unlikely to succeed ban the meal carried on until there was no more food to be eaten. Izaya sighed happily and lied on his back, the long hair pooling around him.

“Ah, sushi is better than sex.”

“Don't go saying weird things.”

Izaya waved a hand in the air in a desultory fashion.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

“I've been wondering...how come your wig stays in place even with all the pole dancing?”

“That's because it is not exactly a wig as much as a weave.”

“A weave...?”

“Yes. It is attached to my actual hair. That's why it looks so natural. Beauty comes at a cost, it hurts like hell getting the weave on place.”

“Man, you really love tuna fish to go to that extent.”

Izaya sat up suddenly and smirked evilly before arranging the long hair so that it covered his face entirely, dragging it on the floor as he crawled on all fours.

“The hell?!”

“Seven days...seven days...”

Izaya's crawl was slow and deliberately awkward with plenty of limbs sticking out at odd angles.

“Stop that! It's creepy!”

Shizuo was frozen as Izaya kept on crawling until he was on Shizuo's lap. Then Izaya burst out laughing as Shizuo fell back. Izaya pulled back the curtain of hair so that he would not choke on it as peals of laughter escaped from him.

“Can't believe you're scared of Sadako! Oh you simpleton, big strong man afraid of a fictional character that climbs out of wells.”

Shizuo's current predicament had little to do with horror movies and a lot to do with the fact that Izaya was sitting astride on top of him. And to make matters even worse Shizuo was still wearing the flimsy skirt.

“You're scary yourself! And creepy.”

Without as much as a knock the sliding door flung open before any of them could react and Shingen stood there in all his glory, gas mask and all.

“Gentlemen! This is a restaurant, not a den of iniquity! As Japanese citizens I expect you to keep your hormones in check! This is the problem with young people nowadays, no sense of propriety or self-control. Back in the war,”

“Not you again!”

Shizuo flailed so much that no words occurred to him and he did not even remove Izaya from his groin as he should have had. Fortunately, before it became too embarrassing Izaya was up again and ready to rail at Shingen.

“Young man, I've been watching you and I must say you are dragging our proud country's name through the mud with your senseless behavior. And this talk about Korea, you boys represent Japan!”

Izaya rolled his eyes.

“Old man, you're missing the entire point of the North Korea/South Korea thing.”

“Who do you think you're calling 'old man'!”

And in his righteous indignation Shingen actually rapped on Izaya's head with his knuckles. Shizuo frowned.

“Hey, don't go hitting him-”

“Shizuo-kun, I'd expect this cross dressing business from Izaya-kun but not from you. People will believe that everyone in Japan acts like this.”

Shizuo blushed and busied himself staring at the floor.

“Aren't you forgetting kabuki? We have a tradition of men dressing up as girls in our country.”

It was not easy to look offended when one was wearing a gas mask that covered one's entire face but Shingen still managed to pull it off brilliantly.

“That you can compare your dissolute ways with the time honored tradition of kabuki is very telling, young man. And what were you doing just now?”

“I was sitting on Shizu-chan if you must know.”

“And why would you do such a thing?”

“Because it's fun. See?”

And without further ado Izaya once more made of Shizuo a human sofa. Shizuo was not sure if he wanted to protest or to ask Izaya to keep at it. He was still torn when Kasuka, of all people, appeared.

“Hello, brother. I am glad things are going so well with you and Orihara-san.”

“Kasuka! What are you doing here?!”

“It's everyone's favorite little brother, Heiwajima junior! Hi there.”

Izaya waved at Kasuka from over his shoulder, having decided that Shizuo was a wonderful seat all around.

“Dr. Phil asked me to see how you two were doing in person.”

“What do you think of nii-chan in drag?”

Shizuo prepared a speech of sorts.

“It's because of the tuna, you see, Izaya wanted the tuna and I had to put on these clothes to win the prize- it was tuna, the prize- and then I juggled this really gay fire engine- it was real gay- and won.”

Kasuka nodded, matter of factly, as if the explanation made perfect sense.

“Orihara-san would have been sad otherwise.”

“More like bitchy.”

“And you just wanted Orihara-san to be happy. Which is why you're also letting him sit   
on you.”

“That's because he just goes and does whatever he wants! Flea!”

Shizuo was not even a bit convincing. Izaya rolled his eyes in his most indifferent manner.

“Great, if I'm a flea then I'm very light and can sit here just fine.”

“Orihara-san is a beautiful trap.”

“Only you could perhaps compete with La Kanra,”

Shizuo of course had a fit at this.

“Don't you go putting weird ideas into my baby brother's mind! And stop moving!”

Izaya had not meant to move but it was instinctive after all. Still, he managed to get up elegantly without a hint of awkwardness. Which was more than could be said for Shizuo who now stood blushing and unsure of what to say. Shingen came to the rescue, unexpectedly.

“The problem with young people nowadays is that they have no respect. Show some respect for your elders!”

Izaya yawned.

“I'm done with this, it's been a very long day and I need to get some beauty sleep. La   
Kanra is leaving the premises. But La Kanra is too tired to walk on those crazy shoes so you'll be carrying her.”

“Me?! Why do I have to carry you?!”

“Because I say so. I am La Kanra! And La Kanra has spoken.”

“You're getting too much into this 'La' thing. And only creepy people use the third person!”

“I changed my mind, I'll walk.”

“What! Are you saying I'm not good enough to carry you?”

“I am too cool for you to touch, Shizu-chan. Oh, I know! Let's hit a casino! You're invited, Kasuka-san.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, better '-san' by baby brother. Or else!”

“But Orihara-san, you had no problems sitting on nii-chan. That was more than just touching him.”

“That is completely different.”

“And nii-chan, you really want to carry Orihara-san, don't you?”

“Yeah, I mean, no!”

“Less talk, onwards to the gambling halls!”

Shingen began a lecture but Izaya was already out the door, the Heiwajima siblings on his wake, leaving him to preach to an empty room.


	7. Chapter 7

Normally Shizuo, in his flamboyant drag attire, would not be admitted in the casino but having won the competition he was received with respectful bows from the casino personnel. It was a great change of pace as far as Shizuo knew, he missed the habit of bowing. All his life he had taken it for granted and only when he was deprived of it did he find that he really appreciated it.

 

As for Izaya, he did not bother correcting as he was welcomed with 'good evening, miss. This way, please'. He waltzed to the slot machines and politely ignored the smiling casino people who tried to beguile him to become a high roller at the more serious games.

 

Shingen caught up with them but he was detained at the entrance, having to explain why he could not possibly part from his gas mask on the grounds of the air being polluted and barely breathable, etc.

 

La Kanra's claims to be exhausted were apparently just that, claims, for Izaya sat on the stool to attack the slots without a hint of weariness. Shizuo stood by with Kasuka and thought on how to strike a conversation that might improve their sibling relationship. Dr. Phil's words on the subject had greatly impressed Shizuo. Before he could speak Kasuka addressed him.

 

“I heard that you were working on an eroge.”

 

Shizuo blinked since he could not at the moment remember what an eroge was and because he was having a hard time bringing it to mind when Izaya was perched in such a way as to reveal the pert butt clearly defined under the dress.

 

“Oh, yeah.”

 

“BL?”

 

“Huh?”

 

Izaya spun around from the rows of figures to intervene before Shizuo ruined everything. Almost like Dr. Phil but in a graceful and even girlish way.

 

“Shizu-chan here can't remember the terminology, he also struggles with his lines which is why I am helping him. They cast him because he has a sexy <i>seme</i> voice.”

 

“Oh, thanks.”

 

“Don't get all excited, your voice is the only thing going for you.”

 

Izaya returned to pulling the lever in the hopes of beating the odds. In gambling high profit margins one had to risk a lot but Izaya was not about to sink his money into the casino, he stuck to the slots instead of hitting the big stake games for a reason: he just wanted to have some fun.

 

“Nii-chan, can I see the script?”

 

“Script...?”

 

“Of the game.”

 

Again Izaya spun around.

 

“We can't reveal that. You know how the market is, very competitive. Until the game is officially launched we can't risk any portion of it leaking.”

 

Shizuo was impressed despite himself, Izaya was not just a good liar he could pile lie upon lie without getting caught in contradictions.

 

“That is a shame, I'll be looking forward to playing it when it is released. Is there a tragedy route? I like those.”

 

“Like those...? Kasuka, do you play this kind of game?!”

 

“Yes, I'm a fan.”

 

“Kasuka-san will be pleased to know that there are many tragedy routes in which Shizu-chan dies horribly and everyone rejoices.”

 

“Don't go killing me off on games-”

 

'That don't even exist', was what Shizuo wanted to say but Izaya cut him off.

 

“Tragedy routes are popular, aren't they Kasuka?”

 

“Yes. Everybody likes them.”

 

Shizuo wanted to instruct his little brother on the pernicious influence of such games but he could not quite do it when he was supposed to be working on one. At this point the salarymen returned, having somehow tracked down La Kanra, and being huge fans offered to pay him some chips to tackle the serious money. Izaya assented happily enough because serious gambling could only be made with other people's money.

 

But Shizuo did not like the thought of Izaya just dropping him like this.

 

“You! Where do you think you're going, you slut! It's like you ate the Slut Slut devil fruit!”

 

Izaya rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh, please. Will you spare me the One Piece references.”

 

“You know what I mean! You're all slutty and you can't swim!”

 

“I can swim just fine.”

 

Kasuka noticed that Izaya did not deny the other accusation.

 

“No you can't!”

 

And to prove this point Shizuo picked him up and unceremoniously dropped Izaya in the lobby fountain. It was only knee deep but unfortunately Izaya went face down and his weave soaked up the water to the point of becoming very heavy. So heavy he could not lift his head from the water despite all the splashing. Shizuo had a moment of sheer triumph that turned into panic.

 

“Izaya! Don't you die on me!”

 

Going on automatic Shizuo lifted Izaya from the fountain and proceeded to give him mouth to mouth despite the fact that Izaya was clearly conscious and not at all happy.

 

Kasuka saw fit to comment on the situation:

 

“Ironic, that Orihara-san comes from an island nation only to nearly drown in a land locked state. On shallow water. It makes for a strange tragedy route.”

 

Izaya was too busy coughing water and trying to get his breath back to voice his many protests. Shizuo saw fit to shake him.

 

“Get a grip! You can't die!”

 

“....fuck you! Are you trying to kill me?!”

 

“Orihara-san, try saying 'What if I'd died?!' in a very shocked manner. And then, 'I'm in despair!' These lines are always very useful.”

 

Izaya glared at both siblings as if unsure of which one he hated the most. But of course he defaulted back to Shizuo who was now petting his head and sighing deeply.

 

“Man, you sure scared me! But really, how come you're so bad with water?”

 

“I can swim just fine, it's the weave, the weave!”

 

And Izaya wrung said weave viciously.

 

“Oh...what about it?”

 

“It gets heavy when wet!”

 

“I see, so you're not weak with water, you're just real weak overall!”

 

“Shut up!”

 

Izaya staggered to his feet and Shizuo got to see just how the wet dress revealed the slender body underneath. Izaya's choice of makeup was exquisite but unfortunately it was not waterproof. As a result he now looked remarkable pitiful and adorably helpless. As it turned out Shizuo had a thing for helpless girls, it triggered his protective instinct, and apparently that also applied to helpless Izaya in his girlish mode.

 

“There, there. It's got to suck, even your panties are soaked- not like that! I don't mean it in a naughty way. But still, but you know, you're alive and-”

 

“Why wouldn't I be alive! And whose fault is it that I look like this, yours! Stupid Shizu-chan!”

 

Izaya gestured downward to draw Shizuo's attention to the wreck of his dress. Not that Shizuo needed any incentive in this respect.

 

“Orihara-san, 'it's not like you like him or anything'.”

 

With something like misplaced chivalry Shizuo removed his not too dry shiny jacket and placed it over Izaya's shoulders.

 

“There, so you don't get sick again. You're already shaking.”

 

Indeed Izaya was but it was out of barely contained fury. It took him a while to notice the giggling sound that was very familiar once Izaya actually heard it. And just like that Dr. Phil stood before them, tiny eyes shining.

 

“Got a great shot of a kiss, m'kay.”

 

Izaya found his lungs still contained plenty of water as he tried to protest most emphatically.

 

“Hey, sensei, don't go tripping Izaya now. He's all shaky still, nearly drowning does that to him.”

 

When Kasuka translated Shizuo started violently.

 

“Kiss?! That wasn't a kiss, it was CPR, I saved his life!”

 

Izaya finally recovered again and turned to Dr. Phil.

 

“Just how low will you go?! That was <i>not</i> a kiss! Not! A! Kiss!”

 

“Sure looks like one on camera, m'kay? And don't forget, we edit this show. Oh yes, we edit.”

 

“A thousand nuclear holocausts on you!”

 

No one could accuse Izaya of not being creative in his threats.

 

“You should change into dry clothes,”

 

Izaya flat out ignored Shizuo and glared at Dr. Phil instead. It saddened Shizuo who was realizing that he quite liked when Izaya railed at him and him alone.

 

“This is pure defamation! Achoo, curses.”

 

Shizuo had had enough of this and simply carried Izaya under an arm.

 

“He's already sneezing, can't be good. Sensei can talk to Izaya tomorrow, right now I'm getting him all warm and dry before he dies all over again.”

 

“Let go of me! Do you even understand what's going on?!”

 

“Yeah, kinda. Doesn't matter, you can go all 'I'll sue you!' later. This wouldn't happen if you didn't end up falling into water all the time.”

 

“You're the one dumping me into rivers and fountains!”

 

“Good luck, nii-chan. Here, take a condom with you.”

 

“Oh, thanks. I mean, I don't need this!”

 

Izaya sighed in defeat.

 

“My head hurts, just put me down before I get sick.”

 

“Back to the caravan, then.”

 

Shizuo sounded strangely pleased. Truth be told he did not care for horny salarymen eating up Izaya with their eyes. As for Izaya he simply gave up altogether and allowed himself to be carried.

 

*

 

Once in the caravan Izaya quickly wiped off the runny makeup. Shizuo wanted to help him undress, his motives being most pure, but Izaya would have none of that. Izaya wrapped himself in a fluffy white robe and called for a conference in hushed tones in the bedroom. Shizuo changed into regular clothes.

 

“This is very bad, Shizu-chan. It is entirely your faultlike usual but that is beside the point now.”

 

“Is it that bad...? I thought the sex recording was worse.”

 

Izaya poked Shizuo in the chest.

 

“It is ten times worse.”

 

“Why? It was just a kiss-”

 

“Not a kiss!”

 

Izaya almost hissed.

 

“'kay, either way, sex is worse...”

 

By which Shizuo meant that it was better.

 

“You don't understand anything. Dr. Egghead can't air the sex audio, his audience would freak. His show is aimed at suburban housewives, no way he can have explicit gay sex even if it's just in sound format! But kisses are 'romantic' and whatnot. That he can and will air! I'm doomed!”

 

And in his dismay Izaya sank into bed, the weave pooling around him in a most charming manner.

 

“Yeah...are you gonna keep the wig?”

 

“I can't remove it without a hairdresser's aid. It's a weave, not a wig.”

 

“Oh...looks cool on you. I mean, not that I appreciate men that way-”

 

“Drop the act, the time to be saying such things is before you fuck another guy senseless, not after. What are we going to do!”

 

“Dunno...any ideas?”

 

Shizuo remembered how amazing sex with Izaya was.

 

“I wouldn't be asking you if I had any ideas!”

 

“Guess it was almost like a kiss...”

 

“No. No, it wasn't. CPR only counts as kissing in the same lala land that counts indirect kisses.”

 

“Lala land, like, La Kanra? And Las Vegas-”

 

“Listen to me Shizu-chan, and listen good. You have got to cooperate with me here.”

 

“Oh what, kissing and stuff...?”

 

Izaya poked Shizuo in the forehead, having to stand on tiptoe to achieve this.

 

“Get your act together! How come you're not upset over this?”

 

“Kasuka approves of us being together so I guess it's not so bad after all.”

 

Izaya's jaw dropped.

 

“What kind of person is bossed around by his kid brother?!”

 

“Not bossed around but if he is cool with it then I'll just 'roll with the punches' like you say. Not that I like you. I totally don't like you.”

 

“Will you stop saying that! It only makes it worse.”

 

“So I should say that I like you...?”

 

“No! No, you shouldn't!”

 

Izaya gesticulated crazily.

 

“Dunno what I should do, then.”

 

With that said, Shizuo would not at all mind to put the condom to good use. Izaya sighed anew.

 

“I have to think this through.”

 

Shizuo cleared his throat.

 

“We should, maybe, you know, just...do it.”

 

“Say what?”

 

“It's just that we've been avoiding it but if we just went ahead and did it we'd feel better.”

 

“'We' being you. Did you forget there are mics on the corridor?! On top of everything else!”

 

“Just say it's the game thing again if you get too loud...and you get pretty loud, it's cute-”

 

“You deserve a thousand nuclear holocausts as well.”

 

“That was a compliment! I just said you are cute. Cute!”

 

“...am I supposed to be happy? Of course I am cute. I am La Kanra.”

 

“I thought you were Izaya...I'm getting confused with all these people, I'd rather you just remained Izaya.”

 

“Enough, you've spewed enough stupidity already. We need to think of a solution.”

 

“I got nothing...oh, look, ootoro flavor...? That's weird.”

Shizuo studied the condom.

 

“Dirty trick if I ever saw one. Cashing in on my love for fatty tuna. As if that would work.”

 

“Man, so weird. Flavored condoms...”

 

“Focus, Shizu-chan, focus.”

 

Shizuo did indeed focus. He focused on Izaya looking cute.

 

“Yeah...so...what do we do now?”

 

“Why do you have to be so useless?”

 

“You're changing the subject and not helping either.”

 

Shizuo folded his arms and nodded almost solemnly.

 

“Maybe we should ask Tom-san.”

 

“No need to add more people.”

 

Izaya paced back and forth.

 

“There goes my night of gambling, on top of everything!”

 

“That's a good thing. Gambling ain't right and those guys were totally checking you out.”

 

“What is it to you either way!”

 

At this point Shizuo blinked repeatedly.

 

“Er, you're supposed to be all smart...read the mood already!”

 

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

 

“You know what I mean!”

 

“I have no idea and I don't want you to clarify either.”

 

“Ha, you dressed up your hoes in bartender outfits!”

 

“My 'hoes'? What on Earth-”

 

“You admitted it yourself! Don't think I forgot. And you were saying my name when you were jerking off the other day.”

 

“That is hardly relevant now.”

 

“Ha! Easy for you to say but I've been putting up with your antics for way too long so I'll come and say it: I want to fuck you and I'm not ashamed of it either. Even if you're a bastard.”

 

Despite everything Izaya was shocked.

 

“Well of course you want that, I am hot. And once you've got a piece of me it's obvious you'd be eager for more. Not to mention you're a creepy rapist.”

 

“Oh no you don't! It wasn't rape, you liked it, because Dr. Moustache is right, we've wanted to fuck since high school!”

 

Izaya paled in rage but still remembered to keep his voice low.

 

“Speak for yourself!”

 

“And the real reason why you won't let me sleep in the same bed it's 'cuz you know you'll get all horny.”

 

“You got a high opinion of yourself. It is called 'delusion'.”

 

“Izaya-”

 

“That's it!”

 

Izaya jumped up and down, suddenly very excited.

 

“What's it...?”

 

“Hate sex, Shizu-chan! Hate sex!”

 

“I don't get it...”

 

This time it was Izaya that actually petted Shizuo's head.

 

“Worry not, you're too stupid to understand most things.”

 

“There you go again! Fucking nasty!”

 

Izaya nodded and smiled happily.

 

“Yes, that's the spirit! You were right in saying that the more we deny it the worse it all seems. So we'll admit that we're into hate sex. After all, what other kind of sexing would we be into? I am not into it myself but I'm sure I can make people believe otherwise. From constant bickering to hate sex is a small leap. We'll go with that and preempt Eggman's idea of a lovey dovey couple.”

 

“Ah...but there's no cuddling in hate sex...”

 

Izaya gave him a quizzical look.

 

“Of course not. Who'd care for that anyway? That's for people who like each other.”

 

“You're to bloody slow! I'm trying to tell you that I like you!”

 

“Stop talking stupid.”

 

“Well I'm sorry if I'm stupid, can't help it!”

 

“Keep your voice down.”

 

“Fine, if you want hate sex then I'll give you hate sex. Don't go bitching that it was rape afterward.”

 

And Shizuo was already working on removing Izaya's robe.

 

“Hold it right there! I said we're going to admit to be into hate sex, not to actually _have_ hate sex.”

 

Shizuo frowned.

 

“Not gonna work. You know I'm no good with complicated lies. Anyone can see through it when I try to lie, I suck at it.”

 

“Are you suggesting that we turn the lie into truth...?”

 

“Nah, that's too complicated too. More like, we should just do it and don't sweat the small stuff.”

 

“If I need to do this in order for you to stick to the story then I guess that's that-”

 

“Whatever, I don't care what you tell yourself.”

 

As far as Shizuo knew Izaya was the one being delusional and to the extreme, too. For once Shizuo kept things to himself, partially because it might compromise his chances of scoring and because he was too busy kissing Izaya. Which meant somewhat clumsy tongue action.

 

“Shizu-chan, you're no good at this. At all. Just take my lead and you may learn a thing or two.”

 

“Okay...”

 

Izaya let the robe fall and stepped out the naked glory, tossing the long length of hair over a shoulder.

 

“Just because I'm the bottom doesn't mean I don't know how to do this, when it comes to sexing I have mad skills.”

 

“Ah...”

 

Before Izaya's smooth naked body Shizuo became rather inarticulate. Which suited Izaya just fine since he greatly enjoyed being in a position of superiority. Izaya had to stand on tiptoe to bring his lips to Shizuo's and to press a deep wet kiss to his mouth. Shizuo took the opportunity for pushing Izaya flat on his back in bed and readily climbed on top of him.

 

“You better get the lube now.”

 

Izaya made it sound very much like a threat. Shizuo reached for a drawer in the bedside table and produced a tiny bottle.

 

“So this is it...never saw it before.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, no one cares.”

 

“You know, you were cuter when you were feverish and super horny.”

 

“Once a rapist, always a rapist.”

 

Shizuo did not like this. With deceptive gentleness he traced a finger down Izaya's chest, then down along with flat belly, and carried on until he was touching the developing erection, ever so lightly.

 

“Shut up. You want this as much as I do.” 

 

“Whatever. I won't have to explain to you how to put on a condom, right?”

 

“Er, maybe...”

 

“Good grief, it's like doing it with a virgin!”

 

“About the condom, want to try on the ootoro flavor...”

 

“No.”

 

Shizuo was sad but only the shortest of whiles. After all, Izaya was lying under him and looking cross did nothing to diminish his sexiness. If anything it heightened it. Shizuo played with Izaya's nipples, randomly at first, then rubbing them in a circular motion as he watched them stiffen. It gave Shizuo a greatly needed boost of confidence.

 

“They can put mics everywhere, I don't give a damn. Let them put cameras here too.”

Izaya lifted an eyebrow and tapped Shizuo's belt and the bulge below the waist.

 

“Sure seems that way, by the looks of it. And what's this, you're one of those tops that don't undress? How am I supposed to get into this if I can't see any skin?”

 

Just when Shizuo was getting the hang of being dominant. He hurried to remove his clothes most clumsily. Izaya calmly undid the buttons of Shizuo's vest, then the shirt, then felt up the exposed impeccable abs.

 

“I guess you'll do, Shizu-chan.”

 

Izaya did away with Shizuo's clothes with great dexterity even though he remained under him.

 

“Oy! That's my job! Why are you doing everything yourself!”

 

Shizuo did not mean anything by it but he now pulled Izaya's long hair.

 

“That bloody hurts!”

 

“Thought it was a wig...?”

 

“I've told you a million times, it's a weave! As in, it's attached to my actual hair so when you do that it fucking hurts!”

 

“Ah...so that's how it was...”

 

Shizuo ran his fingers through smooth dark hair. He could not tell that it was artificial at all and he liked feeling it sliding on his hand. Izaya was about to protest since he had not signed it for weird fetishes but Shizuo decided to try something different. Namely, licking and sucking on Izaya's already sensitive nipples. To his great satisfaction this elicited a moan from Izaya. More, it caused Izaya to spread himself in bed, the hair pooling around him.

 

Hate sex or not Izaya had no qualms voicing his pleasure, down to half closing his eyes as Shizuo lathered up one nipple and then the other. Shizuo did not even mean to rub his erection against Izaya's, at least not consciously, but when it happened he found himself gasping. As did Izaya which did not keep him from whistling slyly. By now a pink tint suffused his skin in a most pretty way that did not at all match his playful expression.

 

“Oh my, you really are hung like a horse.”

 

“Shut up! Don't put it like that!”

 

“It was a compliment, Shi-zu-chan~”

 

Thick pre-cum oozed from Shizuo's engorged tip, it made rubbing smoother without diminishing the tantalizing friction.

 

“Shit, you're one hell of a hot bitch.”

 

Izaya smiled and caressed Shizuo's cheek, almost lovingly, before he poised his nails at his throat.

 

“You don't get to talk that way to me just because we're about to fuck. Better keep that mind or I'll slash your throat open. Just try me if you don't believe I can do it.”

 

Shizuo believed it all too well. And it only made his very hard cock throb.

 

“Feisty, aren't you.”

 

“Only for you, <i>darling</i>.”

 

Izaya actually batted his lashes. Shizuo hesitated for a heartbeat before running his tongue down Izaya's body, tasting sweat from the heated skin, until he was licking the shaft of his penis. Shizuo sampled the mixture of their pre-cum.

 

“It's salty.”

 

“Woah, no way!”

 

Shizuo grinned. It was about time Izaya paid for everything.

 

“I'm gonna make you regret your attitude.”

 

Shizuo started by letting a string of saliva add another layer to Izaya's already wet member. Then he slowly licked it anew before sucking on it equally slowly, making full use of his mouth. Izaya dissolved into moans and he pushed his hips upwards for greater stimulation. Shizuo let him and even encouraged him by swallowing whole.

 

“...woah...”

 

Shizuo could tell that Izaya no longer cared just who it was that was pleasing him as long as the delicious wet warmth did not abate. Shizuo would have none of that. He let the twitching length slide from between his lips with a deliberate popping sound that he was sure was annoying.

 

“What the hell?! What are you stopping for?”

 

“Ah, Izaya-kun is all sad now. Isn't that a shame.”

 

Izaya's glare thrilled Shizuo to no end. There was most definitely something to this hate sex story.

 

“You bastard, you can't just start and-”

 

“Oh can't I? Says who? If you want me to suck you dry... _make_ me.”

 

Izaya gasped, his breath caught in his throat. The threatening undertone was surprisingly arousing.

 

“Fine, if you want me to beg I'm up to that-”

 

“Beg? That won't change a thing. Beg all you want, see where that gets you. It's called 'hate sex', isn't it?”

 

Izaya humphed and tried to appear most nonplussed. And this he failed completely, all it took was for Shizuo to brush the oozing head to reduce Izaya to a muddle of moans.

 

“Damn you, Shizu-chan. All this stupid teasing is to cover up for the fact that you can't fuck to save your life.”

 

Shizuo flat out ignored the provocation and parted Izaya's legs, placing his hands solidly on smooth thighs. Shizuo tested Izaya's entrance, just poking it tentatively.

 

“That's a real small hole but I know it'll fit.”

 

“Just don't forget I'm not a chick, don't expect it to self-lubricate- oh...”

 

Izaya's pertinent protest was cut short by Shizuo's sliding in a lubed finger into Izaya's anus. Slowly but surely wiggling his way in. Izaya clawed at the sheets and tried to angle his hips to maximize the intrusion. Shizuo watched with great curiously but held him in place.

 

“Looks like you like this, huh.”

 

“Try getting it right already!”

 

Shizuo took his own sweet time adding more fingers and stretching until Izaya was equally furious and turned on. Only then did Shizuo press the weak spot and it was quite  amazing, how Izaya arched his back with great agility. Izaya's body all quivering limbs.

 

“Be patient, you freak.”

 

With this said, Shizuo was stalling for time. Because he was unsure he could put on the condom with his hands shaking and there was no way he could ask Izaya for help. The situation solved itself by Izaya taking matters into his own hands before Shizuo had to say anything. In a blink of an eye the condom was unwrapped, covering Shizuo's hardness, a healthy dose of lube poured on it before Shizuo even realized what had happened.

 

Izaya took it to himself to place a foot on Shizuo's strong shoulder and smiled cockily.

 

“So, Shizu-chan. Heard you were going to fuck me hard?”

 

“Now you've done it.”

 

Shizuo pounced as Izaya fully expected him to. Izaya took the momentum of such a body slamming into him to roll backwards ever so slightly- just enough to get the right angle- and wrapped his legs around him so that Shizuo was locked in.

 

As for Shizuo he was only marginally aware of any of this, even as Izaya winced and closed his eyes upon penetration. Shizuo was too concerned with the tight pressure around his cock to notice much. For a bit his vision grew dim, fortunately Izaya had to adjust to the feeling of the intrusion of something this big.

 

“...not fucking human!”

 

“Shut up! I'm human!”

 

Izaya could barely muster the strength to lash at Shizuo but it added to his arousal. By the time Shizuo's eyes cleared his heart skipped a beat and he thrust out of instinct- here was Izaya, dick up the ass, nipples standing out, dripping pre-cum, flat chest heaving as a pretty flush suffused his cheeks and made him look coy and adorable as well as incredibly hot.

 

 

Shizuo plunged in and out of him like a piston and indeed there was something machine-like to the way he thoroughly hammered into Izaya. Shizuo's groans did not even reach Izaya by then but it was his turn to groan as Shizuo clutched handfuls of his hair and used it to gain leverage.

 

“What the- fuck- my <i>hair</i>!”

 

“Like a girl- yapping about-”

 

“It bloody hurts!”

 

“Can't stop-”

 

Dialogue became even more disorderly than usual as Shizuo picked up speed, sweat dripping from his swaying body, highlighting well sculptured musculature currently at work as Shizuo exerted himself to the utmost, electrifying sparks of pleasure running amok in his riotous bloodstream. Izaya clawed at Shizuo's back hard enough to draw blood, his legs growing weaker as the rhythm of thrust upon thrust took its toll on his self-control. Shizuo took the hint and lifted Izaya's right leg thus immediately gaining deeper access to the tightening heat inside his body. 

 

Shizuo charged blindly ahead, marginally aware of telltale signs as Izaya got closer to tidying over. Such as Izaya becoming breathless and surprisingly silent, limbs quivering. Only when a splatter of hot semen splashed him did Shizuo connect tingling convulsions to the fact that Izaya was climaxing.

 

Shizuo was too far gone to even be angry that Izaya got to come first, with a final thrust and a groan Shizuo pinned him flat on the creaking bed as he released deep inside, the rush unlike anything he had ever experienced. Since Shizuo was hardly used to this kind of thing he could only collapse forward, orgasm sweeping him in a blast of pleasure. Shizo pumped his cum for what felt like a small eternity and it was regretfully that he withdrew, watching the whitish trail seep out out of Izaya who now winced.

 

“You really are not human, did you just burst the condom?”

 

“Yeah...sorry...”

 

With that said Shizuo was not even remotely sorry. Afterglow made Shizuo see Izaya in a soothing light and even the fact that Izaya was cleaning himself with a wrinkled nose and a clear look of distaste did not annoy Shizuo.

 

“Ew, your stuff is on me. That's just gross.”

 

“You got your stuff on me too so it's all good.”

 

Izaya stretched and rolled on his side.

 

“That's milk, Shizu-chan! Milk! So there!”

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

Shizuo wiped the semen off his skin and fluffed a pillow. He was getting sleepy and in the mood for some spooning.

 

“What do you think you're doing?”

 

“Getting ready to sleep.”

 

“What, in my bed?!”

 

“Since when is the bed yours! It's ours!”

 

“No, it isn't. The bed is mine and there is no way you'll be sleeping here with me.”

 

“You're kicking me out?!”

 

“That's the gist of it, yes.”

 

“I can't believe you! After we just had sex, you can't kick me out!”

 

“Oh yes I can. Ever heard of 'overstaying your welcome'? It's like that.”

 

“But you were fine with me when we were doing it!”

 

“What does sex have to do with sleeping with someone?”

 

“No wonder you ain't got a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or any kind of friend! With that kind of attitude!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. This is your cue to leave. I'm sleepy and need to get some catch eye.”

 

“Where am I supposed to sleep!”

 

“Beats me. You can huddle in a corner or crash in with Tom-san.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yes. Now shoo, shoo.”

 

So much for Shizuo's idea of Izaya being adorable.

 

“Fine, I'll leave! But I'm taking the sheets and pillows with me!”

 

“You're so childish, Shizu-chan.”

 

Shizuo gathered said items and stormed out of the room. Izaya just shrugged and tried to make himself comfortable. After a while he began to get a bit cold and then very cold. The caravan was crossing the desert at night and the temperature dropped drastically. There did not seem any heating and no amount of piling on clothes did anything to make him any warmer. Izaya cursed his luck, without his jacket or any kind of blanket he was close to freezing.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Tom said nothing when Shizuo arrived carrying bundles of blankets and pillows. It was easy to see that Shizuo was fuming and Tom was wise enough not to break the silence.

 

“Shizu-chan, give me a blanket.”

 

Izaya stood and shivered on the threshold wearing far too many clothes, to Tom it seemed that La Kanra was expecting twins.

 

“No way.”

 

“I'm freezing to death!”

 

“It's all your fault! Cuz you won't let me sleep with you, you'd be nice and warm that way but you have to be a fucking bitch!”

 

“You don't need all those blankets!”

 

“Tough luck.”

 

“And because of you I don't even have my fur!”

 

Luckily for Tom no one was paying him any attention because he now had to bite his lips to keep himself from giggling. Having stuffed something like four sweaters Izaya did look like a very bitchy pregnant woman, the long hair adding to the impression.

 

“Humans aren't supposed to have fur so stop yapping about it.”

 

“Are we heading to Alaska or something, if so then you can meet up with your kin: the Abominable Snowman!”

 

“Oh yeah?! So, I ain't human?! Then that means you're into, into, what's it called like when you have sex with animals,”

 

Tom decided to help out.

 

“Bestiality?”

 

“Yeah, that!”

 

“Go to hell, I bloody hate you!”

 

“Good! I hate you too!”

 

Tom sighed, so they were back to this again.

 

“Are you coming back to bed already or what!”

 

“Sure, but take off some of your clothes. Like, all of them-”

 

“Don't push your luck, Shizu-chan.”

 

And just like this Shizuo followed Izaya back to the bedroom, leaving Tom to wonder just how on earth they managed to be so unpredictable and illogical. As they retreated Tom could not help noticing how much like a real couple they looked.

 

* * *

 

Izaya slipped into warm Pjs, something of a compromise as far as Shizuo could tell. Shizuo was very happy to be able to get under the covers with Izaya.

 

“Put some clothes on.”

 

“I sleep in my underwear!”

 

“Not when I'm around you don't.”

 

Shizuo grumbled but ended up obeying. Izaya took an absurd time fluffing the pillows and flattening the mattress.

 

“What are you doing! The bed is fine!”

 

“It's not fine, the sheets are all messed up.”

 

“You're so fussy.”

 

“I prize neatness, that's all.”

 

“Stop nagging already!”

 

Izaya yawned, stretched and made himself comfortable under warm blankets. Shizuo muttered something or other and joined him.

 

“Don't go getting any funny ideas, Shizu-chan.”

 

“Bloody Izaya, oy! Don't tell me you're already sleeping?! Are you five years old or something...?”

 

And indeed Izaya was fast asleep. Shizuo cursed under his breath but he was not that bothered, after all he could now cuddle to his heart's content without having to put up with endless bitching. More, Izaya nestled against Shizuo's chest of his own accord. Shizuo hugged him and went to sleep very happily.

 

Izaya woke up but thought he was having a nightmare. How else to explain the fact that Dr. Phil was staring at him with those tiny unblinking eyes of his. Izaya tried to wave the vision away and ended up touching solid flesh. At this point he woke up entirely.

 

“Eek, what is going on here!”

 

“M'kay, last night was quite a hit, huh? We got it all on film. Oh yes we did.”

 

Shizuo lurched awake and was still rubbing his eyes sleepily.

 

“What's with all this screaming so early in the morning- what the, it's the doctor fellow!”

 

Shizuo hurried up to cover a stiffie with a sheet. This was what he get for spooning with Izaya.

 

“What do you mean you got it on tape? This is the bedroom we're talking about! I am suing you for all you're worth!”

 

Dr. Phil chuckled.

 

“Thing is, this isn't the bedroom. It's a room with a bed. Different thing.”

 

“What?!”

 

Izaya jumped to his feet, all indignation.

 

“While you were cavorting in girls' clothes our team switched the caravan for an identical one and moved all of your stuff. In this new caravan this isn't the bedroom but a room with a bed. So you can't sue, it's all legit.”

 

Izaya's jaw dropped.

 

“You! You horrible liar!”

 

Shizuo was of course hopelessly confused. He had not the faintest idea of what was going on at all apart from the fact that he had morning wood and Izaya was arguing loudly in English with the mustache guy. Then Shizuo noticed something else that horrified him.

 

“Ha! Look at that, Izaya! He's wearing shoes indoors! Shoes! In a bedroom, even!”

 

Izaya flat out ignored Shizuo's outrage.

 

“The ratings are going through the roof.”

 

Izaya scrambled but composed himself.

 

“There is no way you can show that on your show. Hardcore gay sex on the Dr. Phil show? I don't think so. Some of the things we did aren't even legal in some states.”

 

Dr. Phil chuckled anew and twirled his fat mustache, his eyes twinkling.

 

“M'kay, you're too naive.”

 

“Naive?!”

 

Of all the insults one could hurtle at Izaya this was perhaps the worst.

 

“I can't air on my show, sure. But ever heard of the internet? Hmm? I leak it online, m'kay, and my audience will flock to it. It goes viral, word of mouth gets more views. There's stuff that suburban moms won't watch on TV cuz there's folk around but 'PC' are called 'personal' for a reason: you can watch porn there without people knowing. My viewers will eat it all up and I'll get new fans. And just wait until I drop a word in Japan.”

 

Izaya collapsed on the floor, his knees giving out, his voice trembling as he relapsed back to his mother language.

 

“You're...you're the devil! The very devil!”

 

“I'm just as shocked, wearing shoes indoors! Your mother didn't raise you right, she really didn't. Even the shady people I collect debts from never wear shoes indoors, it's so wrong.”

 

Shizuo nodded gravely and given the circumstances it was borderline ridiculous. Izaya was close to tears.

 

“Shizu-chan! Do something!”

 

“'kay, can't stand the shoes.”

 

And without further ado Shizuo picked up Dr. Phil, thus proving yet again his great strength, and shook him until the shoes came off. He then placed them at the door of the caravan and returned most pleased with himself, having made a short detour to jerk off

in the bathroom.

 

“There, now you need some slippers-”

 

“Your problem is the shoes?! Are you that retarded?!”

 

“M'kay, look how cute you two look, sleeping together.”

 

Dr. Phil was not fazed by this kind of treatment. He produced a digital camera with a picture of of Shizuo and Izaya happily cuddling in bed.

 

“Aw, look at that Izaya! It's cute-”

 

“Why me!”

 

Dr. Phil nodded merrily.

 

“So far so good, the dialogue was a bit tacky- my audience likes dirty talk, not weird hate rants that don't even make sense- but it's good. But it's not enough.”

 

Izaya picked himself off the floor with difficulty.

 

“What more do you want!”

 

“Lovey dovey stuff. My audience is sucker for that kind of stuff. They want dates, holding hands, sharing ice cream, watching sappy movies together.”

 

“Why would I do that!”

 

Dr. Phil's eyes narrowed dangerously.

 

“You should know what happens when you go against me, m'kay? I dunno about how street smart you think you are, you've been owned by a good ole fashioned Texas boy.”

 

Meanwhile Shizuo remained deeply confused, no one having bothered to translate this dialogue. Tom was wise enough to stay away from this confrontation.

 

“Now look here, Mustache man, I dunno what you're here for but Izaya and I have this thing going and we were about to, you know, get it on so if you could leave- hey, translate what I'm saying. Man, why can't everyone just learn Japanese- what the hell you doing?!”

 

Izaya was now resorting to tearing off his long lush hair.

 

“Oy, Izaya! Why are you going all crazy on me!”

 

“I'm doomed...doomed...”

 

Dr. Phil tutted and shook his finger.

 

“Now, now. It's not that bad. Let's look at the bright side. You're already taking steps toward admitting how you really feel. That is good. This is just the final push. By the time you boys land in Japan you'll be glad to date.”

 

Izaya made an effort to gather himself.

 

“Why! Why can't you leave it at hate sexing! Why must you insist on all this silly talk about dating and whatnot!”

 

“Did you forget that I'm a specialist in relationships? That's what I do, I'm no sex therapist. I help people develop and develop loving relationships. My viewers aren't /y/ denizens, they are in it for it for the love, m'kay? The love. That is why this is

relationship rescue.”

 

“...How do you know about /y/!”

 

“Oh, I know things. Don't think I don't. Your pal there is already getting all protective.”

 

Dr. Phil chuckled anew. Shizuo had in fact realized that Dr. Phil was upsetting Izaya and he did not like it one bit.

 

“You Americans have no respect, waking us up like this. I was sure I was gonna score later in the morning but you screwed that up...and why are you almost crying?!”

 

Indeed tears brimmed Izaya's eyes.

 

“Shizu-chan! I've been had! A room...with a bed...is not a bedroom!”

 

“Huh? Did all that fish get to your head or something?”

 

“It's not a bedroom! Cameras! The internet! Fucking 4chan, of all things!”

 

“4 what?”

 

“-Chan!”

 

Shizuo frowned.

 

“Don't like it when you '-chan' other people.”

 

“Some things never change. You remain too stupid for words!”

 

Izaya explained what had happened with many unnecessary pauses for expletives and tangents.

 

“Woah, so he's gonna put it online...?”

 

“Yes!”

 

“That's kinda bad, I guess.”

 

“You guess?!”

 

Then suddenly Shizuo started.

 

“No wait, it's very bad. I can't have that happening!”

 

“Finally, your brain starts working!”

 

Shizuo turned to Dr. Phil.

 

“I won't allow this, no way. Guys will be drooling over Izaya! No fucking way I'll let that happen! No fucking way!”

 

Only now did Dr. Phil realize that Shizuo was about to go berserk. Izaya took the opportunity.

 

“Dr. Phil, I am sure we can work out something. How about you don't leak it online and we give you the sweetest, most /cm/ worthy romance your viewers have ever seen? The kind that might give them diabetes, because it's so sugary.”

 

“Hmm...m'kay, I'll leave you boys to it. Make it sweet or else. The audience must want to hug you.”

 

“And you won't leak it online...?”

 

“Maybe. M'kay, I won't leak it, then. If it is convincing.”

 

“We'll do our very best! But we'll have to plan this, you won't air our preparations, I hope?”

 

“No need to worry about that. I got your back.”

 

“Yay! Editing for the win!”

 

Dr. Phil nodded and plodded away.

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, Shizu-chan. We must act like the most in love couple ever. You heard the man, lovey dovey.”

 

Izaya rubbed his hands nervously.

 

“I heard him but didn't understand a thing. Lovey dovey, huh...dunno how to do that.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I never dated anyone...don't watch TV dramas...or read romantic stuff...how does it go, this kind of thing?”

 

Izaya folded his arms and looked absurdly smug.

 

“Listen to me, Shizu-chan. You just got to follow my lead on this.”

 

Shizuo scratched his head.

 

“Okay...not much of a choice here. But have you ever dated anyone?”

 

“Well, no. But that is completely beside the point. We have to make it a pure romantic idyll to appeal to the American audience. That means no rape, by the way. Just so you know.”

 

“I know that...”

 

“We're going mass market here. I know, how about we do this.”

 

And Izaya explained the plan.

 

* * *

 

Tom had been hiding but he could not avoid eating forever. So he tiptoed to the kitchen very cautiously. What he found floored him to the point of making him doubt his sanity.

 

“Orihara-san...?”

 

“Hello, Tom-san! Take a seat. This will be ready in no time.”

 

Izaya smiled beautifully and returned to chopping cucumbers. While wearing a frilly apron, the long hair glossily perfect. Before Tom could regain himself enough to ask what was going on Shizuo walked in.

 

“Hi there, Izaya. What will be having for lunch?”

 

Izaya skipped over to Shizuo, batted his eyelashes as he leaned forward, hands laced behind his back. How Izaya did not fall flat on his face was a mystery to Tom. As was this entire scenario, truth be told.

 

“Shizu-chan, there is tuna with cucumber. Would you like to eat that, take a bath or eat me~? Neh, Shi-zu-chan?

 

Shizuo blushed even though they had rehearsed this. Izaya grabbed an intact cucumber and proceeded to slowly eat it, lips very glossy as he licked it. Just when Tom thought things could not get any stranger Dr. Phil popped out. Somehow.

 

“M'kay, this won't do. I said sweet and lovely, not borderline porn.”

 

“It's not porn! And this kind of thing passes for romantic! Doesn't it, Tom-san?”

 

“Eh, I don't think so...I mean, it depends...but this isn't Akihabara...”

 

Izaya stomped angrily.

 

“Damn you prudish Americans! What, I suppose Shizu-chan stumbling into me as I change and me being all 'kya!' isn't romantic either this side of the Pacific?”

 

“That's not romantic at all, m'kay?”

 

Tom tried very hard not to laugh. Shizuo was as usual confused but got Tom to explain.

 

“I knew it! You don't know shit about romance!”

 

“Shut up! I'm trying my hardest here!”

 

“You said you knew all about it!”

 

“Not firsthand!”

  

“You don't know shit about it at all! This is stuff that basement dwellers like!”

 

“Like you wouldn't like me to dress up as a maid and prance about while calling you 'master'!”

 

“Well, yeah but that's not the point! American folk aren't into that kind of stuff! Cuz they ain't human! I mean, that's gotta be it...why else wouldn't they want to see your bubble ass in a short skirt....with lacy panties...white panties...with lace...”

 

“...Shizu-chan....? Stop thinking out loud!”

 

Tom turned to Dr. Phil.

 

“For the record, this isn't exactly normal in Japan either.”

 

“M'ay, no surprises there.”

 

Meanwhile the argument raged unabated.

 

“Oh really then how about you tell me what you think is romantic. Since you suddenly know it all even though you're stupid. Stupid Shizu-chan, stuuuuuuuupid-”

 

“Fucking annoying! Romantic is trying on cute yukatas to go to the festival, scoop gold fish and later kiss under fireworks!”

 

“Look around, we're in the middle of the desert! Do you see any festivals around?!”

 

“I guess not...”

 

Tom coughed and made a suggestion.

 

“How about you stick to more universal forms of romance? As in, holding hands and candlelight dinners.”

 

“Come on now! You make it sound like it was like the Korean noodle commercial, for heaven’s sake!”*[1]

 

Shizuo got an idea.

 

“I know what's real romantic.”

 

“No you don't.”

 

“You can't tell for sure until you heard me out!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

 

“It's like this: it's raining and I am going back home after work, I find you all alone in a card box, in an alley, all wet and miserable. So I pick you up and shield you from the rain with my vest. Then I take you home and dry you, give you some nice warm milk-”

 

“Eh, Shizu-chan? That's what you do with cats. It doesn't make any sense with a human.”

 

“It's cute either way.”

 

“You remain useless as ever.”

 

“Oh yeah?! I don't see you saying that when I'm giving it to you hard-”

 

“That's not important now. We're going for romantic, remember? Keep your filthy fantasies to yourself.”

 

“Why I ought to-”

 

Tom placed himself between them, only because he could tell Shizuo was not really serious.

 

“You can fight later. How about my suggestions? Candlelight dinner and all that.”

 

“That may be a good idea, Tom-san.”

 

“Where did the Mustache fellow go?”

 

Dr. Phil had again disappeared without a trace. But just like god he saw all and knew all, m'kay.

 

 

* * *

 

“Shizu-chan, we'll be making nigiri balls with tuna inside!”

 

“Yeah...how do you make that again?”

 

“We'll make them together, that's the best way of learning.”

 

Izaya smiled splendidly. They were standing side by side on the caravan's kitchen. Izaya had decided that the candlelight dinner would be even more endearing if they fixed it together. It was also a way of rehashing his devoted waifu scenario of which he was considerably fond. So course Izaya wore an apron and got Shizuo to wear one as well.

 

“Oh, cool.”

 

Another good thing about this revamped setting was that it did away with Shizuo having to memorize a script or even provide much talk. One-liners served just fine and it added to the overall cuteness of it all. Izaya was also counting on metrosexual trends about men cooking being sophisticated and adorable. Bonus points for pimping Japanese food.

 

“The most important thing is to roll the rice. Like this, see?”

 

Izaya exemplified, his hands very delicate as they handled the plain rice with care.

Giving food network hosts a run for their money. To keep the long hair from getting in the way Izaya had it tied in a ponytail

 

“Didn't know you could cook like this!”

 

“Here, for you, Shizu-chan.”

 

Izaya offered a perfectly prepared rice ball. Shizuo blushed because Izaya had a way of disarming him entirely when he was nice for a change.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“The filling is already inside.”

 

“Tuna, right?”

 

Shizuo took a bite off the nigiri. Izaya tilted his head to the side and smiled ever so sweetly.

 

“That's right, Shizu-chan. It's my favorite fish and I wanted to share it with you.”

 

“Woah, so tasty!”

 

And Shizuo was not faking it either. As if to make it even easier for Izaya a grain of rice adhered to Shizuo's face right next to the corner of the lip. Izaya planted a kiss there.

 

“You had a little something there.”

 

“Ah...thanks...good food, yeah.”

 

“And now it's your turn, Shizu-chan! You too make a nigiri.”

 

“With candy?”

 

“...no.”

 

“I'll help you.”

 

This entailed Izaya running his nimble fingers along Shizuo's very large ones.

 

“It's kinda sticky.”

 

“Be glad we aren't making natto!”

 

Tom who was watching the whole scene blinked in surprise as Izaya and Shizuo shared a laugh. Shizuo destroyed a few rice balls and brooded briefly but Izaya cheered him up with his new and improved attitude.

 

“It's okay, Shizu-chan! It doesn't have to be a perfect triangle, as long as it is tasty and can be carried around. Neh?”

 

“Yeah...”

 

Izaya's smiled reached a climax of friendly bashfulness. And then it grew somewhat evil.

 

“Take that, Baldie! _This_ is true romance. It is full of emotion and love. So much _love_.”

 

Shizuo grew pale.

 

“Shit, you didn't put anything weird in it, did you?! By 'love' you don't mean- you don't your- stuff...?”

 

“There is something very wrong with you, Shizu-chan. Very wrong.”

 

Tom chimed in.

 

“Orihara-san, didn't you just ruin the whole thing by dropping the act?”

 

“Not really. Because you see, Tom-san...they edit this show! M'kay! M'kay for the win!”

 

Shizuo was poking a rice ball and peering into it most suspiciously.

 

“It's not too salty but that doesn't mean much...rice is white, it would mix in easily and I'd never know!”

 

“Oh shut up. If I was to put something in your food I'd go Higurashi on you.”

 

“Higurashi [cicada]?! You gonna put bugs in my food?!”

 

Tom as ever was there to correct misunderstandings.

 

“He means putting needles in your food, I think.”

 

“Tom-san is correct!”

 

“That's- that's even worse!”

 

“I said 'if', you blockhead. Rest assured I'd never put my stuff, as you put it, in your food. It's nothing short of a privilege for the likes of you to get to taste it.”

 

“...just how big is your fucking ego?!”

 

“And it's time we move to phase two.”

 

“Phase what...? And will you listen to what people tell you!”

 

“People? I hear no people, just a beastly humanoid creature.”

 

“Izaya-KUN!”

 

“Phase two of our 'sweet lovey dovey romance'.”

 

“What the! I thought we were done with that!”

 

Izaya leered at him in pure yakuza fashion.

 

“As if. You thought that little act with the food was romantic? You haven't seen anything yet, Shizu-chan. I'm talking throbbing hearts here and passionate declarations of undying love.”

 

“Why do we have to go to that extreme...?”

 

“Because I am Orihara Izaya, that's why! I'm going all out. By the time I'm done people will no longer refer to Romeo and Juliet, it'll be 'Izaya and Shizuo'.”

 

“What's with that order?! Also, you're a guy! We're both guys!”

 

“Point being? Not to mention La Kanra is all and any gender.”

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

“Shizu-chan, do you know what it's romantic? Love triangles.”

 

“Ah...”

 

“Namely, Tom-san here.”

 

Tom choked on his cigarette.

 

“Don't drag me into this, Orihara-san!”

 

“Oh? So sorry but you're already part of it. This is how it goes: Tom-san wants a piece of La Kanra- can't blame him- and of course boyfriend!Shizuo will not put up with it. The result: La Kanra explains that she only loves Shizu-chan and the love goes through the roof.”

 

Shizuo blinked.

 

“Oy, I don't like you lusting after Izaya.”

 

Tom face-palmed.

 

“I don't! It was just Orihara-san's scenario!”

 

“That's right. It's the scenario we're going with.”

 

Tom had to protest.

 

“Count me out of this plan.”

 

“It'd be romantic if you baked a giant cake and jumped out of it.”

 

“Not going to happen, Shizu-chan.”

 

“How about cat ears?”

 

“We could tackle the love triangle another way. Shizu-chan has a thing for Tom-san-”

 

“I really don't...!”

 

Shizuo gesticulated for emphasis.

 

“Okay, fine. Tom-san has a thing for Shizu-chan-”

 

Shizuo looked mortified.

 

“Tom-san, how could you!”

 

“Shizuo...do you realize this is still Orihara-san's fictional scenario?”

 

“Oh, right...”

 

Izaya jumped up and down, startling them both.

 

“I know! We'll get cowboy hats! Shizu-chan, try saying 'I can't quit you'!”

 

“Why?”

 

“All that 'fishing', heh.”

 

“Dunno what you're going on about.”

 

Tom sighed.

 

“Orihara-san, don't you think people will recognize that line? They'll realize you're faking it. Or are you faking it, I can't even tell anymore.”

 

“Okay, Shizu-chan. Let's train, try saying 'I love you' at me.”

 

“Ah...can't say that! It's embarrassing and we're not alone.”

 

“Hello! Did you forget that we're surrounded by cameras? Tom-san is the least of your worries. Now say it and make it sound convincing.”

 

“I....can't! I just can't! It ain't right, saying that kind of thing like this!”

 

“Why are you always so difficult? Can't you work with me just a tad?”

 

“Better be difficult than easy like you!”

 

“You're jealous of my life sex, so what else is new. More importantly, your awkwardness works to our favor.”

 

“It does?”

 

“It does. Being all awkward and blushing is very cute and completely romantic. As long as you spit out, eventually. Then it all becomes hyper mushy.”

 

“What, like you can do it. Confessing and all that.”

 

Izaya humphed.

 

“Watch and learn, Shizu-chan. This is how it goes: 'Shizu-chan...about you, you see, there is something I wanted to tell you but the timing was not right. I was afraid you'd hate me and I could never live with myself! Shizu-chan...I love you!' see? Like that. Perfect, isn't it? Just the right about of hesitation and then-”

 

Shizuo cut him off with a deep kiss. Izaya clawed at him.

 

“What the hell!”

 

“I kinda got carried away with all the love talk...”

 

Izaya was not even surprised to see Shingen pop up as people were wont to do in this crazy ride.

 

“You young people do not understand true romance. True spirit of true romance is represented by a young couple torn apart by the war! He has to leave for the front leaving his lovely wife behind at dawn. They meet on the threshold and he salutes her, she tells him to take care of himself and to return safe and sound so that the three of them can be a happy family. For you see, she is carrying their first child!”

 

“And what does that have to do with anything?”

 

“It is the purest kind of romance!”

 

“I won't even bother asking where you were lurking this whole time. Since you're already here could you please offer some useful suggestions? Stress on 'useful'.”

 

Izaya did not have patience for any of these shenanigans.

 

“That's so sad, poor lovely wife, this is why war is bad!”

 

“Eh...Shizu-chan, are you crying?!”

 

Tom nodded.

 

“Shizuo is a sap for this kind of thing.”

 

“And the baby-”

 

“Enough already! Can we please get back on track? And stop weeping!”

 

Shizuo wiped his tears away.

 

“You fucking don't have a heart! How can you not be moved by the young mother to be!”

 

“Because 1)Shingen made her up on the spot and 2)the war was ages ago. Back to lovey dovey and less tragedy.”

 

“As Mariko watches her husband disappear down the roads she waves at his retreating back and lightly touches her belly-”

 

“Why are you giving your fictional characters names?”

 

“Mariko! I'll help you!”

 

Izaya turned to Tom for help.

 

“Tom-san, say something!”

 

“How about that candlelight dinner?”

 

Shizuo would hear none of it.

 

“Mariko never had a candlelight dinner with Kenji!”

 

“Say what? Wait, are you giving names to these fake people too?!”

 

Shingen was on a stride.

 

“Every day Minako stares at the sea and waits for her beloved to return!”

 

“At least use the same names!”

 

“She was left all by herself to tend the farm in Nara.”

 

“Wait a sec. Nara is landlocked, just how does she stare out the sea in a landlocked prefecture!”

 

Shingen gesticulated and brought the gas mask far too close for comfort as far as Izaya was concerned.

 

“You underestimate the power of love. She obviously climbed the big Buddha statue and cast out her gaze.”

 

“Okay....even assuming a pregnant lady could climb the statue- daily, even! I'm pretty sure she wouldn't see the sea- oh why do I even try.”

 

As moved by this as Shizuo was he thought it needed some improvement.

 

“And the kitties are born in winter when it's snowing! Poor kitties, freezing in the cold.”

 

“...Shizu-chan, what kitties? Oh god, please tell me this Mariko or Minako or whatever isn't expecting a litter of cats! How is any of this even remotely romantic? More like disturbing!”

 

“Nah, human babies are cute, I guess but kitties are better 'cuz they have soft fur and go meow. So I changed it up a bit.”

 

“While Yuuichiro is away in the Pacific, Michiru climbs the Buddha statue-”

 

“Stop, stop, for heaven's sake! You changed names again! Who the hell is Yuuichiro?! What happened to Kenji?! Keep your stupid story, consistent, at least! Unless Yuuichiro is Kenji's gay lover and there will be some man-on-man sexing in some deserted island. That does have potential, I must admit.”

 

Izaya mused. Tom camouflaged a chuckle with a cough. Shingen shook a fist at their faces.

 

“Young men, you will now listen to me.”

 

So in the end there was no actual choice. Somehow Shingen talked them (which meant basically bullying Shizuo and Izaya to the point they went along with it just to get rid of him sooner) into wearing pretty kimonos (Izaya had to wonder just where Shingen had stacked them), Izaya's pale pink and Shizuo's light blue.

 

Izaya tackled preparing a cup of Japanese green tea, the supply of Shingen's props being apparently endless. Tom took a seat watching the scene with great interest. Izaya knelt on the floor in traditional fashion, the long hair pooling around him very graciously as he grounded the stuff into fine powder.

 

Shizuo fidgeted with a cool long pipe that he could not quite smoke because he did not know how. So he settled for being very still in a stoic attitude. Meanwhile Izaya cursed the absurdity of very long and wide sleeves, they did not make his job any easier.

 

Finally he poured hot water into the mix and placed the cup at Shizuo's feet, bowing respectfully, forehead to the floor.

 

“Your tea is prepared, Shizuo-sama.”

 

When it came to being in character Izaya had no qualms in straying far and out. If he could impersonate La Kanra then he could very well act as a traditional Japanese noblewoman. The same could not be said about Shizuo to whom the notion of acting was too much of an enigma. So Shizuo fumbled with the pipe and became rather flustered.

 

“Oh, right. Looks good. The tea, I mean.”

 

Shizuo went to pick up the cup but Izaya was ahead and put in on Shizuo's hands.

 

“Shizuo-sama, you turn it like this.”

 

Izaya exemplified. They were deviating quite a lot from the proper etiquette but Izaya hoped that would count in their favor as more romantic.

 

“Needs sugar.”

 

“Shizuo-sama has such a kind heart to want to sweeten everything but this particular blend is best enjoyed without sugar.”

 

“Oh, right.”

 

Without a doubt Shizuo liked being addressed as '-sama'. And it was quite a thrill to have Izaya be so nice to him. Now if he could only get Izaya to do a kinky striptease dance.  Shizuo drank the tea without caring much for it.

 

“Tastes good, yeah.”

 

“My humble self thanks Shizuo-sama.”

 

Izaya bowed to the floor again.

 

“Humble is good.”

 

“Izako is most humbled to be in your presence, Shizuo-sama.”

 

Shizu was impressed. He picked up the pipe because he needed something to do.

 

“Izako! Man, that's a sweet girl's name.”

 

“Thank you very much, Shizuo-sama.”

 

“Yeah...”

 

“It has been many moons since we were together. The world is a brighter place now that I am reunited with Shizuo-sama.”

 

“How about we get some sweets?”

 

One of Izaya's arched eyebrows twitched but his smile remained as adoring as ever.

 

“My humble self took the liberty of preparing sweet bean paste buns. I hope that they're to Shizuo-sama's liking.”

 

“I was more thinking like strawberry parfait and shaved ice, Haagen Dazs is good too-”

 

Izaya leaped to his feet and jabbed a finger at Shizuo. Something that demure women from bygone days would have not at all approved of.

 

“You idiot! There was no Haagen Dazs in feudal Japan! Don't ruin the scenario I've been working on so hard at! What do you think this is, Gintama?! You can't pull off a major anachronism here and expect it to fly!”

 

“No Haagen Dazs, huh...no longer they fought so much.”

 

“Oh screw this. Let's scrap the ancient times setting. This is what we're going to do: we like each very much, right?”

 

“We do...? Does that mean you're ditching the kimono? Man, the kimono is even better than Haagen Dazs-”

 

“Are you sponsored by HD or something?! Anyway! We like each other very much. Our love is very pure yadda yadda. That's what we're going for here. So we will only communicate via very arid emails until we achieve our dreams and goals. Until then we will not even meet. It's genius!”

 

“Huh?! How does that make sense! And I don't have any dreams...”

 

“Sure you do. Your dream is to become a non-violent person. Mine is to become God. Both will take ages,”

 

“Yours is impossible...”

 

“Like I said, it'll take so long that we can go about our normal lives in Tokyo and just send text messages daily! Hell, not even daily since we are so focused on pursuing our dreams!”

 

In the background Tom blinked.

 

“Wait, this is sounding very familiar...isn't that Bakuman? With Saiko and the chick?”

 

Izaya nodded, all enthusiasm.

 

“Precisely! The beauty of it is, American audiences will not recognize it!”

 

“....the romance bit in Bakuman does not make sense, though. I mean, everyone agrees on that.”

 

“Your input is not required, Tom-san.”

 

Shizuo scratched his head.

 

“Never heard of this Bakuman thing,”

 

“Do you live in a cave?”

 

“But Tom-san is right, what the fuck is up with your crappy plan! It's not even a plan!

Besides I've already had you ignore me and it hurt, okay? It hurt my feelings!”

 

To express this Shizuo waved the pipe most theatrically.

 

“If they did it on Bakuman we can do it too.”

 

“How about you guys go back to the very normal, very obvious, candlelight dinner?”

 

Izaya humphed haughtily.

 

“Fine. But I think my suggestion was extraordinary.”

 

[1] *this is the Korean commercial, for those who might be curious:

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pesoRSOiaXY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Here is the Korean noodle commercial:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsG_S4wW_rM


End file.
